Dear John: Sorry, Wrong Number
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
What’s your problem? Write to John at [email protected].
When I started going out with my girlfriend and things were getting serious, we eventually came to the conversation where you talk about how many people you’ve had sex with. She had been with what I would call quite a few guys, and I had been with a grand total of zero girls. That’s right, none. And I totally lied. I made up a number that seemed to reflect a bit of experience but not so high that a bit of, uh, fumbling around when the time came would seem weird.
That was almost a year ago now, and things are going great. She is just unbelievable – I love her and I can’t quite believe she loves me, too. But now I feel bad about lying. I feel so very, very lucky that my first sexual relationship is with someone I feel so strongly about and not some awkward high-school embarrassment, but I don’t feel like I can share that with her. Or if I did, I think she’d be angry I’ve lied for so long. Should I confess? Just forget about it? I’m really undecided. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Glad It Was Her
Dear Glad,
I think the same qualities that make her so attractive to you will also make her completely understanding when you tell her what you’ve told me. You didn’t lie out of malice, and sharing how lucky you feel that such an important experience was with her will completely negate any feelings she has about being lied to. By all means, tell her. And in the future, remember to trust her enough to tell her the truth.
Dear John,
Every Thanksgiving, my husband and I have dinner at his parents’ house. I love my in-laws and rarely have any reason to complain about them, but being irritated on Thanksgiving has become an annual tradition because after dinner, my husband, his two brothers and his father will head to the den to watch football games while my sister-in-law, mother-in-law and I clean up. (This is after my mother and sister have cooked everything, mind you.) I have already been warned that the local team is playing this year, making it even more “important” that they get in front of the TV the moment dinner’s over. Should I say something? Just refuse to go along with it? Or should I just accept it? I’d love some suggestions.
Signed,
Not Thankful for the Mess
Dear Not Thankful,
It’s not up to you to try to change your in-laws’ family dynamics, no matter how unfair they appear to you. Your husband, on the other hand, is another story altogether.
The football game, the fact that it’s Thanksgiving – those are red herrings. The real issue is that your husband enjoys a meal prepared with a tremendous amount of effort by his mother and sister, then is content to let them continue working while he lazes around. It sounds like a case of a grown man reverting to being a little boy once he enters the house he grew up in.
Kindly tell him that it’s not acceptable for him to relax until the cleanup is done. He (not you) should talk to his brothers and father and tell them it would be nice if everyone pitched in with the dishes and gave Mom and Sis a break. Just don’t be surprised if Mom and Sis insist on helping clean up and Dad and Bros dismiss the suggestion. These family patterns are often very hard to break. But you and he should do what’s right no matter what the rest of them do: help out until it’s done. If your husband misses some of the football game, well, that’s what DVRs are for.
Dear John,
When I met my wife, neither of us was the least bit religious. We were both raised in conventionally religious families, and as adults we both decided before we met that continuing what was nothing more than a habit was not what either of us wanted to do. Everything was fine – more than fine, in fact, because the issue of religion never even came up.
Now we’re expecting our first child, and it has come up, in a big way. I’m not sure if it’s due to family pressure (there has been some) or what, but my wife has talked about having our baby baptized. As far as she’s concerned, “It can’t hurt.” I think pretending to believe something you don’t believe CAN hurt, but more than that, I feel like I am the victim of a bait and switch. And I’m afraid to ask if the same argument will apply to first communion, etc. I feel like there are no good options because one of us getting our way can only be at the expense of the other.
Sincerely,
In Disbelief
Dear Disbelief,
I can understand that it seems unfair of your wife to suddenly decide that religion might have a place in her life after all, but babies cause a couple to re-evaluate questions that seemed long-settled. Today, your wife believes what she believes. There’s no point in reminding her that she felt differently up until recently. She has a right to change, just as you have a right not to.
I’m not sure I agree that this is a zero-sum game and one of you must lose for the other to win. In fact, I would stop thinking about it in terms of winning and losing altogether. You must have only one priority now: to make decisions based on what’s best for your baby. So ask yourself: is it good for your baby to have a dad who resentfully participates in rituals he thinks are foolish? Of course not. Is it good for your baby to have a mom who sincerely believes her baby should be baptized but who is badgered into not acting on her belief? Again, no. Is it good for a baby to see how two people who love and respect each other can disagree on a question of major importance without denigrating the other’s beliefs or needing to win a battle of wills? Absolutely.
I think your wife should honor your beliefs and not expect you to go along with something you consider a superstitious charade. And I think you should respect your wife’s beliefs, no matter how recently they were come by, and not interfere with her desire to have her baby baptized. (I want to emphasize here that I am no theologian. I have no idea if a baby is “baptizable” under these circumstances. But if a condition of your wife’s religion is that both parents affirm a belief in baptism, then she should take it up with her church, not with you.)
When he or she is a bit older, you can explain that some people have religious beliefs and some people don’t. Mom and Dad don’t agree, but they love and respect each other. More than religious belief, more than rational skepticism, that is a wonderful lesson to teach your child.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
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