Dear John: Dear Old Obnoxious Dad

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

John Simpson, GoLocalProv Advice Columnist

What’s your problem? Write to John at [email protected].

Dear John,

Father’s Day is coming up and I dread it! My father-in-law is coming for a visit, and he’s a very hard guy to like (for me, anyway) with many unappealing qualities, but the one I find hardest to deal with is what a know-it-all he is. When we’re together (which is not often because he lives a few hours away), he will take any, and I mean any, opportunity to demonstrate his superior knowledge. He’ll correct my grammar, disagree with virtually anything I say on topics in the news, offer his (frequently crackpot) opinions as if they’re undeniable facts, you name it. But the thing that bugs me the most is his constant second-guessing over how we’re raising our toddler son. His wife has been cowed into submission, and my husband, while irritated by his behavior, refuses to stand up to him. When I think of the difference between him and my own sweet father, who passed away many years ago…ugh. Any tips on how to make it through the day? He drives me crazy!

Sincerely,
Glad It Comes Once A Year

Dear Glad,

Father’s Day doesn’t give your father-in-law some kind of pass on basic standards of behavior. It would be nice if your husband would talk with Dad about the unpleasant way he comes across, but if he won’t, you’re under no obligation to waste your Sunday being harangued. Tell your husband that unless he’s willing to intercede, you’ll find something else to do while Dad is visiting. (And if he does talk to his father, I wouldn’t expect much to change, at least not right away, but that’s not the point. Someone has to let the old man know that this is not okay.) Most of us have to indulge our in-laws a bit for the sake of family harmony, but I would draw the line well before being treated shabbily.

Dear John,

I went to an old friend’s yard sale recently and had an unpleasant surprise: there in the middle of the table was a gift I gave her almost forty years ago. And this wasn’t something I picked up at a department store: I studied pottery making in college and pursued it for several years after earning my degree. This was a piece I made (with an awful lot of effort, I might add) for her birthday or some other gift-giving occasion. When I took it over to her to pay for it, she kind of raised one eyebrow as if to say, “You’re buying that??” I asked her where she got it and she said she had no idea “where half this junk came from”! I am certain that she had no recollection that I made it for her – she is a very kind, thoughtful woman who I am sure would be mortified if I reminded her it was a gift from me. With all that said, though, I was surprised at how hurt I was by this, and it’s continuing to nag at me. Should I talk to her about it?

Signed,
Thrown For A Loop

Dear Thrown,

I can certainly understand that your feelings were hurt, but what would be the point of talking to her? You already said yourself she would be “mortified.” That wouldn’t make you feel any better, would it? I promise that with a bit of time, this will stop bothering you so much. It was certainly nothing personal, it’s no reflection on your skills (maybe your friend has terrible taste in pottery!), and in the meantime, try to take some pleasure from the fact that you recovered a piece of your personal history, and its provenance is, well…interesting.

Dear John,

Are you familiar with those “boobies” bracelets that are popular with kids now? They are supposed to raise awareness and funds for breast cancer research. My son came home from school recently with one and I have such mixed feelings about it…on the one hand, it’s obviously for a wonderful cause, but on the other hand, the whole tone seems so inappropriately jokey. For example, the one my son came home with – he’s in 7th grade – said, among other things, “Keep a breast.” I’m seriously considering banning this bracelet, but am I being too rigid here? I’ve talked with a couple of other moms about it, and they did not share my opinion at all. What do you think?

Sincerely,
Not Joking

Dear Not Joking,

I know exactly what you mean. Several years ago, I was in Los Angeles wandering from bar to bar looking for one that was showing a Patriots game I was hoping to see. I found myself in a Hooters for the first (and, as far as I can recall, last) time and didn’t know what to make of a big promotion that was underway to fight breast cancer. It was such an incongruous message, as far as I was concerned: “Fight breast cancer so we overgrown adolescents can keep on ogling.” Weird.

For what it’s worth, I share your opinion about these bracelets. Raising breast cancer awareness is indisputably good, but I suspect most of the kids sporting them just think “boobies” is funny. I agree the tone is all wrong. If you feel strongly about it, you needn’t go looking to other moms to validate your opinion. Explain to your son why you think it’s inappropriate, but stress that the stated goal of the bracelet is commendable. Then talk with him about something else you and your family can do to help that feels more right to you.

John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].

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