Dear John: Will I Ever Go On a Date?
Tuesday, May 06, 2014
What’s your problem? Write to John at [email protected].
I’ve been seeing a girl for several months now. She’s great – we have a lot in common, we have a great time together, and it’s all good. Except for the sex, which is kind of boring. (As boring as sex can be, anyway.)
I know this is wrong and can’t go on. My feelings for my new gf have grown to the point that I realize I have to end it with the ex. But I’m worried – I guess my question is, can a relationship succeed if the sex is so-so at its best? What do you think?
Missing It Already
Dear Missing It Already,
I’m not going to answer your question because I think it’s the wrong question. The one you should be asking is, can a sexually unexciting relationship get better? Had you asked that, I would say, “Yes, definitely.”
First things first: you’re right that you have to end it with the ex. Your new girlfriend deserves an honest commitment, and your relationship with her needs your undivided attention. But your letter makes it sound like you’re giving up before you’ve even tried. You don’t provide many details as to what makes sex with her boring, but whatever it is, you have to be more open with her. And you’re going to have to take the lead. Let her know what you want, and if she doesn’t want to try that, what will she try? Maybe there are some things she’d like you to do, too. Approach this in the spirit of finding out what you both enjoy.
It’s great when we hit it off with someone sexually, but it doesn’t always work that way. In fact, I suspect it usually doesn’t. The two of you may have to work a bit (if you can call it work) to see what makes you both happy, but it’s well worth the effort. And you can’t discount how much better any sex is when it’s with someone you’re really crazy about.
I'm 27 (hitting 28 next month) and as of yet I have never been on anything you could really call a date. I started a lot of things later than most people, which has put me out of sync with a lot of friends and coworkers. I've tried talking to my friends and family on the subject and gotten mountains of completely useless advice, ranging from "just go sleep with the first girl who's willing so you're not so nervous" to "just wait and see - the right girl will come along on her own" and just about every meaningless platitude in between.
Until a few years ago, my biggest issue stemmed from a very low self-esteem and a history of self imposed isolation. More recently, however, I've been doing much better. I'm going back to school and doing very well, I'm living in my own apartment and supporting myself, I try to eat right and look better than I ever have, but I'm still struggling with meeting people and starting a relationship.
I'm starting classes at a new school in a new area in a few weeks, and this seems like a good opportunity to finally leave behind my old hang-ups and move forward. What makes me nervous is that I'm going to be ten years older than the majority of my classmates. I'm also finding that the older I get the more I see late teens and early 20-somethings as kids rather than potential relationships. And all of that is compounded by my anxiety at never having done anything like this before. Having never been in a relationship means I get to go through that obnoxious awkward phase everyone else I know went through back in high school.
Am I doomed to having to exclude my classmates for fear of being "that guy"? Should I be upfront about my lack of experience or keep it to myself and feign competence? If I'm upfront, how do I even begin to explain why I've never even so much as held a girl's hand without sounding like the world's biggest loser?
A Late Bloomer
Dear Late Bloomer,
It sounds like you’ve made some constructive changes in your life, with more to come in the near future. I think the only change you have left to make is in how you’re thinking about this. Or, to be more accurate, how you’re overthinking it.
I’m sure that as a 28-year-old virgin, you must look around and feel like you’re the only one not having sex all the time. Well, you’re not. I really don’t want to add to your meaningless platitude collection, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to stop dwelling on this, stop analyzing it, take your new life as it comes, and see what happens. Desperation will put women off a lot more quickly than inexperience will. (In fact, I don’t think inexperience will put them off at all.) You’ve already decided your classmates will think you’re too old for them, and they’ll seem like kids to you anyway – maybe this will be the case; maybe it won’t; but you haven’t even met any of them yet!
As far as being upfront about your lack of experience, let me tell you something: sex with anyone for the first time is a little awkward. You don’t have to offer any kind of preemptive explanation. Sure, if it seems right at the time, you can reveal that this is all a little new to you, but again, don’t overthink it. Just take it as it comes.
You’re not someone who’s “never even so much as held a girl’s hand.” You’re not “the world’s biggest loser.” You’re just you. Keep an open mind, don’t think so much about all of this, and just put yourself out there and see what happens. And if you would, let me know how it goes. I’m confident it will all be fine.
I have an ongoing disagreement with my husband involving our thirteen-year-old son. He doesn’t like a lot of different foods, and when we go out to a restaurant, he usually ends up ordering one of the most expensive things on the menu. (Steak of one kind or another is one of the only things he likes.) I’m writing now because we were on vacation recently and we went to dinner at a very nice restaurant in a very expensive city. My son wanted to order a $42 filet mignon! To me, this just seems, I don’t know…selfish or something. We don’t have a lot of money to spare and I usually don’t let myself order the most expensive thing, and here he is doing it like it’s no big deal. My husband, on the other hand, couldn’t care less. So am I making too big a deal about this, or do you agree that there’s something unseemly about a kid ordering a meal that ends up costing $50?
Eating Away At Me
Dear Eating Away,
Just my opinion, but I think if you go out to dinner, everyone should feel free to order whatever they feel like having without second thoughts. If it gets too pricey, you should go to a restaurant that’s more within your budget. (This goes for you, too, by the way. If you want to order the most expensive thing on the menu, go for it! It’s a treat.)
It goes without saying that a boy with such expensive taste should be prepared to eat what he orders. One $50 steak that’s mostly still on the plate when the check comes would be the last one he’d order if I were paying. But if he knows what he likes and eats what he orders, I’d let it go and enjoy my meal if I were you.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected]prov.com.
If you valued this article, please LIKE GoLocalProv.com on Facebook by clicking HERE.
Related Slideshow: 10 Great Golf Spots in New England
Monster Mini Golf
Monster Mini Golf is the perfect way to enjoy miniature golf when it’s raining outside. Monster Mini Golf in Seekonk is a monster-themed indoor miniature golf course that is fun for teenagers and their friends or the whole family. For more information, click here.
Monster Mini Golf: 140 Taunton Avenue, Route 44, Seekonk, MA, 02771
Blue Rock Golf Course
Open all year, the Blue Rock Golf Course is the perfect course for both beginners and veteran golfers. This Cape Cod golf course measures 3,000 yards and was designed by famous golf course architect Geoffrey Cornish with holes ranging from 103 to 255 yards. For more information, click here.
Blue Rock Golf Course: 39 Todd Road, South Yarmouth, MA, 02664
Lancaster Golf Center
Named one of the Top 100 ranges in America, the Lancaster Golf Center is known for its “famous” miniature golf course. This course features challenging holes without the cliché windmills. Instead these miniature golf holes test your skills with water hazards and much more. The Lancaster Golf Center’s driving range is also well known for its 78 stations, six target greens, and illuminated range for night time practices. For more information, click here.
Lancaster Golf Center: 438 Old Union Turnpike, Lancaster, MA, 01523
Cyprian Keys Golf Club
The Cyprian Keyes Golf Club is a daily-fee golf club that features and 18-hole championship course and a 9-hole par 3 course. Five sets of tees make this course perfect for golfers of all skill levels. For more information, click here.
Cyprian Keyes Golf Club: 284 East Temple Street, Boylston, MA, 01505
West End Creamery and Family Farm
If you’re looking for a unique golfing environment, the West End Creamery and Family Farm is the place for you. This farm features an 18-hole miniature golf course which opens for the season on April 18th. This farm also includes an ice cream stand, a corn maze and a barnyard jump. You’re sure to have a fun day at the West End Creamery and Family Farm. For more information, click here.
West End Creamery and Family Farm: 481 Purgatory Road, Whitinsville, MA, 01588
Wachusett Country Club
The Wachusett Country Club is a fourth generation family business whose impressive golf course features views of Mount Wachusett and the Wachusett Reservoir. The course was designed by architect Donald Ross and extends over rolling hills, sudden valleys and a winding brook. For more information, click here.
Wachusett Country Club: 187 Prospect Street, West Boylston, MA, 01583
Newport National Golf Club
The Newport National golf course has been voted the best public New England golf course four times. The Newport National Golf Club website allows you to experience their course before you hit the green. Check out their website for aerial footage and video footage of every hole. For more information, click here.
Newport National Golf Club: 324 Mitchells Lane, Middletown, RI, 02842
The Ranch Golf Club
The Ranch Golf club is an 18-hole golf course that is open 7 days a week. The golf course extends through meadows, woodlands, and beautiful water making each hole a memorable one. Each hole can also be played in different ways making each trip to The Ranch Golf Club a unique one. For more information, click here.
The Ranch Golf Club: 65 Sunnyside Road, Southwick, MA, 01077
Gardner Municipal Golf Course
Located 35 miles north of Worcester, the Gardner Municipal Golf Course is the perfect place to hold a charity event, a professional golfing outing, or just have a relaxing round of golf. Their challenging 71-par course offers scenic views and you can warm up for your game on their warm-up practice tee. For more information, click here.
Gardner Municipal Golf Course: 152 Eaton Street, Gardner, MA, 01440
Quail Hollow Golf & Country Club
The Quail Hollow golf course is located just 16 miles northwest of Worcester and is built in the historic Quabbin watershed. This course is located in the middle of a rustic country setting offering picturesque holes and the essential New England golfing experience. For more information, click here.
Quail Hollow Golf & Country Club: 1822 Old Turnpike Road, Oakham, MA, 01068
- Dear John: Schoolgirl Crush
- Dear John: Swearing Her Love
- Dear John: When the Bathroom is the Family Room
- Dear John: The Case of the Disappearing Lover
- Dear John: In This Corner…
- Dear John: Let Sleeping Cats Lie?
- Dear John: Like Kissing Your Sister. In-Law.
- Dear John: It All Comes Out in the Wash
- Dear John: Manipulating People