Dear John: Agreeing To Marry - Disagreeing About Sex
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Dear John,
My fiancée and I are engaged to be married. Neither of us has ever been married before, and we’re both in our late twenties. We’ve been together for almost two years.
My question concerns how often we have sex. It’s about once a month. I would like it to be more frequently. I have talked with her about this and she says we’re not unusual but I disagree. She has told me she likes having sex with me but isn’t interested in sex in general and doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with our sex life. What do you think? Should a couple in our situation be having sex more often? My fiancée is very religious so we don’t live together. She lives with her parents. I am hoping that when we are living together as husband and wife that we will have sex more often. I would like your opinion about this. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Happy But Could Be Happier
Dear Could Be Happier,
The problem isn’t that you’re having sex too infrequently; the problem is that the two of you have different ideas about how much sex is enough. From the sound of it, you’re not even in the same ballpark – or bedroom, as it were.
There is no right or wrong answer to the question, “How often should we be having sex?” Of course, there’s an average, as there is with any human activity, and once a month for a couple in their late twenties would be below average. But the average is no more the “correct” amount of sex than the average walking speed is the correct pace for everyone.
Have you talked to your fiancée about why she’s not interested in sex? This could be caused by a variety of medical conditions, so the first thing she should do is talk to her physician – not to find out what’s “wrong” with her sex drive, mind you, but to investigate whether there’s an underlying medical issue that should be addressed. If this is the case, treating it may result in an elevation of her sexual desire.
If there is no underlying medical cause, however, you will have to come to terms with the fact that you’re marrying a woman who will want to have sex less frequently than you do. That’s not an insurmountable issue, but it’s not a negligible one, either. And yes, there is a chance that when you’re married and living together, you’ll have sex more frequently, especially if her religious convictions are contributing to her attitude toward sex. That would be unusual, though: as we get older and family life gets more complicated and demanding, the vast majority of couples find themselves having less sex, not more. If you think this might be a problem in your marriage, I would advise you to start looking for a good pre-marital therapist before worrying about a photographer or caterer.
Dear John,
After a couple of health-related scares that turned out to be nothing, I am trying to be more diligent about living a healthy lifestyle for me and my family – my husband and I have two young teen children. Nothing crazy, I just want to set a good example for them by going for walks together around our neighborhood and eating healthier meals and snacks, things like that that I wish we started doing a long time ago. I want to emphasize, nothing crazy. But I feel like a single mother with three kids because my husband is not only not helping, he is actually undermining my efforts, especially at meals. I know the changes I have made with things like eating more fish and vegetables and things like that are not his favorite things to eat, but when they are met with eye rolls, groans, etc., I get angry because these are things that impact our kids, not just him. And I think to have a couple of meals a week that might not be his favorite things to eat but that are good for all of us including him should not be treated like he’s being asked to make the biggest sacrifice anyone has ever made. Here I am trying to make positive changes for our family, and I would like his help. But worse than doing nothing, he is having a negative impact and I am getting less and less patient about it. What should I do?
Signed,
Single-ish Mom
Dear Single-ish Mom,
I agree you sound like a single mom. And your husband sounds the least mature of the three “kids.” Maybe you should start pureeing his meals for him.
The first step, I’m sure you know, is to talk to him about it if you haven’t already. Maybe he doesn’t realize how important this is to you – to all of you, really – or perhaps he’s unaware that if he reacts to your healthy meals this way, he’s giving your kids implicit permission to respond the same way.
But if he’s so selfish that he knows all this and does it anyway, I think you should continue cooking healthy meals for your family. If your husband complains, inform him that this is what you and the kids are having for dinner, but remind him that he’s a grown man who is free to make whatever poor choices he wants to make for himself, so he’s welcome to make his own dinner if he’d prefer something else. Faced with doing something requiring more effort than groaning, I suspect he’ll join you for dinner. And eventually he’ll realize that the meals you’re thoughtfully preparing are not only nutritious, they’re delicious, too.
Dear John,
So here we are again, on the threshold of my least favorite time of the year: the dreaded “holidays.” I come from a big family and everyone is expected to get together at either my parents’ house or one of my siblings’ houses for a big family meal at Thanksgiving and then again at Christmas. And I hate it. Everyone else in my family buys into the whole Norman Rockwell kiddy story about our country, but to me, an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner is like saying, “Would you like to join me in gorging ourselves into a stupor to celebrate the genocide of Native Americans?” And that everyone gathers to eat too much, waste a lot of food, and then let the women clean up while the men watch football games while society pays empty lip service to the idea of “giving thanks” is just the icing on this nauseating cake. The weird thing is everyone, my parents and my brothers and sisters, twist my arm to come, but then when I do, they just want me to shut up. Every year I say it’s the last time I’ll be joining them, but then before I know it, it’s November again, I miss my nieces and nephews (and to be honest, I don’t want to never see them, I just hate the hypocrisy of this particular day), and I know the repercussions of not playing along, so I just bite my tongue and go along. But then I hate myself for doing it. I feel like it’s a no-win situation, like I don’t want to be there and I don’t want to NOT be there either. What can I do to be honest with myself and let my family know I want them to respect my beliefs even if they don’t agree with them without alienating them or causing a big family rift in the process?
Sincerely,
Need A Holiday From The Holidays
Dear Need A Holiday,
Your family members will be far more likely to respect your beliefs if you humbly live them instead of subjecting everyone to a harangue on what is, for them, a festive day. If it’s not too late, I would let them know that you want to show your gratitude for all you have by spending the day helping people who are less fortunate than you are. Then you can volunteer to help deliver meals or feed people in a shelter – whatever you want to do to help people in need. Perhaps afterward, you can still stop by wherever everyone is gathering so you can spend some time with your nieces, nephews, siblings, and parents. That can be your holiday tradition. Will they respect you for it? I have no idea. But I’m pretty sure you’ll respect yourself, which is quite a bit more important.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected] .
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