Dear John: Does Split With Wife Mean Split With Friends, Too?
Tuesday, July 08, 2014
Dear John,
About a year ago, I left my wife for another woman. We had been married for about ten years and for the last five or so, I was very unhappy and she obviously was too, although we never talked about splitting up because we have three kids and we wanted to stay together. We both came from parents who had acrimonious divorces and that was something we definitely wanted to avoid for our family, but it happened anyway. I never wanted to cheat on my wife, and as recently as a few years ago I would have said you were crazy if you suggested I would do such a thing, but as our marriage was becoming increasingly loveless, I met the woman I know I want to spend the rest of my life with and we fell in love and began an affair. It was never a fling and I knew it was inevitably going to lead to the breakup of my marriage because if forced to choose, that’s what I would choose, but before I was able to overcome my inertia and fear and have the difficult talk with my wife that was long overdue, she found out, and things got very ugly very fast.
Things have become as settled as they are going to be except with the exception of two friends of mine that I’ve known since I was in grade school: they have let me know how much they disapprove of what I did and that they have no interest in including my new girlfriend (although we do plan to get married and calling her a girlfriend seems completely inadequate) in social events, which have stopped being couples’ get-togethers and are more guys-only things like card games, etc. They were very friendly with my wife, and their wives still are. I have tried to explain to them that they have no idea what our marriage was like because they only saw the show that was put on in public and they have no inkling of what it was like to live with someone in a relationship with no warmth, no laughter, hardly even any talking. After the year I’ve had, I really can’t face the thought of losing their friendship, but I don’t want my girlfriend to feel like I’m choosing them over her, either. I just want us all to be friends, and even if they disapprove of us being together, I think they should get over it because we’re together now and that’s just the way it is and is going to be. So do I go along with their terms and keep their friendship or do I force the issue?
Sincerely,
No Choice
Dear No Choice,
When someone makes the choice that you made, and despite your signature, it was entirely your choice, there are any number of unpredictable consequences that just have to be accepted. You can wish they would welcome your girlfriend with open arms, everyone could go back to the way things were and this wouldn’t be messy, but that’s not reality. Choices have consequences, and the chooser has to bear their brunt. Don’t waste your time waiting for people to make this easy for you.
As far as your specific question goes, that IS pretty easy: regardless of how you got here, you and your partner are a couple now. Your friends have to accept both of you or neither. Wherever she is unwelcome, you have no business going either.
Dear John,
I’m having a hard time accepting my father and his wife’s attitudes about something, and I’d like a little perspective.
I am unemployed, I have been for a while, and I am struggling financially. I live with my mother (I’m in my late 20s), I’ve had my car repossessed, my credit is in tatters, and what assistance I can give my mother, who doesn’t have much money herself, is through my credit cards. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say I’m desperate. And yet my father, who knows all this, thinks nothing of sharing with me the news that he is agonizing over having to spend upwards of $5000 on an operation for his quite old DOG. I honestly think telling me this was his way of saying, “Hey, I have it tough, too” while it never occurred to him that maybe someone who $100 would make a big difference to might not want to hear of the “struggle” of squandering such an outrageous amount on a dog. I have been so close to calling him up and telling him what I think, but I don’t want to cause irreparable damage to our relationship. Yet with every overdue bill I get in the mail, it’s the first place my mind goes. How can I talk with him about this in a way that could be positive and constructive?
Signed,
Broke
Dear Broke,
There are two separate issues tangled up here: your financial problems and your father’s pretty colossal insensitivity. Let’s untangle them.
First, your precarious financial position is your problem and yours alone. I’m honestly not trying to be insensitive myself in saying that; I just want you to understand that your father is under no obligation to bail you out. It would be nice if he offered to help (and perhaps he already has helped – your letter doesn’t provide much background information), but you have to accept the fact that he doesn’t OWE you any assistance. Assuming he doesn’t have unlimited resources, he may see saving his dog’s life as a reasonable allocation of those resources, since you have food, a roof over your head, etc. You don’t come right out and say it, but you imply that you think less money should be spent on the dog’s care and more should be offered for yours. But it seems to me that expecting that to happen when it is abundantly clear it will not can only lead to the frustration and anger you’ve been feeling. I think you have to accept things you may not like at this point.
What you don’t have to accept, though, is your father’s basic lack of sensitivity. In that respect, your grievance is completely legitimate. And that’s what I think you should focus on when you talk to him. Whether he mentions the dog or you do, next time it comes up, simply say, “Dad, I understand that seems like a hardship to you, but I don’t have $50 to spend on myself, let alone $5000 to spend on a pet, no matter how beloved, and with things the way they are in my life, I just can’t relate to this situation in yours. I wish you the best with that, but I just don’t want to hear about it.” If he is so oblivious as to bring it up again, remind him that you don’t want to hear it.
Dear John,
My boyfriend has gone from being in very average physical shape to getting pretty ripped over the course of the past couple of years. He’s always been curious about checking out a naturist summer camp in Connecticut, but now that he’s so proud of his body, he won’t stop talking about it! It’s not something that interests me at all, but I’m not opposed to it, either, and I feel like maybe it will make for an interesting story at least. Honestly, I can’t see myself ever becoming a big nudist, but as a curious person, I’ll try most things once. I’m a little worried about what it could lead to, though – I’m afraid bf will want to make it a regular thing, but once will be enough for me. So is it a mistake to even try it once? Should I not indulge this so he doesn’t get his hopes up? Or am I overthinking it?
Signed,
Nature Calls
Dear Nature Calls,
If you’re open to trying it, try it. What’s the harm? I agree that the novelty of an experience alone can be reason enough to give it a shot. And don’t get too far ahead of yourself. If he ends up wanting to make it a regular thing, you can deal with that when the time comes. Besides, if your boyfriend thinks nudist spots are primarily for people who want to show off their “ripped” bodies, he’s going to be in for a surprise. Forget future visits - he may want to cut this first one short.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
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