Dear John: Getting Girlfriend’s Son Off the Couch
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
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Dear John,
I’m a single man, 40 years old and divorced with no kids. I’ve been seeing someone for three-and-a-half months, and things are going pretty good.
My girlfriend is divorced with a 12-year-old son, and my question is about her son. He is really, really overweight. I like him, he’s a good kid, but his mother (my girlfriend) allows him to play videogames and eat a lot of junk food from what I’ve seen. He also doesn’t seem to have many friends, from what I’ve seen. Like I said, he’s a good kid, is usually cheerful when I see him, he’s polite…he just never does anything but watch TV, play his games, play on the computer, play on his mother’s phone. No sports, no reading, no chores.
I tried a couple of times to talk to my girlfriend about him, but I learned right away that this was a topic that was off limits. She very coldly said to never tell her how to raise her son. She does seem to love him very much and I know the boy’s father is hardly in the picture at all and whenever they have any contact, it’s usually an argument about something. I just hate to see this kid living the way he does. I know it’s not good for him. Do I drop it or keep trying to show her she’s not doing him any favors?
Sincerely,
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
I definitely don’t think you should drop it, but I think you should reframe how you’re presenting this to your girlfriend. The bottom line really isn’t about this boy’s activity level or his eating habits. It’s about the fact that he’s almost a teenager and he doesn’t have a father who’s invested in him. His mom may be indulging him because she feels guilty, and that may be why whatever comments you made were not well received. I have no idea. But if you care about him and want to help him, don’t criticize your girlfriend’s parenting; step up yourself.
Tell her you like her son, you think he’s a good kid, and you think it’s sad a boy his age doesn’t have a good male role model in his life. (I’m assuming he doesn’t since you didn’t mention one.) Tell her you’d like to do what you can to fill that role. That can be playing ball, going fishing, going to the movies, whatever the two of you might have fun doing together. But get to know him – talk to him and listen to what he says. And keep in mind you’re doing these things because it’s what he needs emotionally; you’re not trying to whip him into shape. It will take time, but when he knows you care about him for him and not just because he’s your girlfriend’s son, then you can worry about how much time he spends playing videogames.
Dear John,
My boyfriend surprised me by making all the arrangements for a trip to Southeast Asia this summer. And I really, really don’t want to go. For a lot of reasons. It’s going to be too hot, we don’t have a lot of money so we’ll have to stay in places that will be kind of sketchy, I don’t want to be on a plane anywhere close to that long. There is not a single thing about this trip that makes me want to go. I never would have chosen to visit this part of the world, either. He’s so enthusiastic about it, though, and he did put a lot of work into organizing everything…ugh. Should I just go along with it even though I hate the idea, or should I do what I’d rather do and just tell him to get his money back if he can, I don’t want to take this trip!
Sincerely,
Homebody
Dear Homebody,
I’m trying to figure out how you and your boyfriend got to the point where he planned this major trip for the two of you while having no idea you would basically rather spend your time doing anything else. How long have you been together? Does he just not know you very well? Doesn’t the thought of the two of you going on an exotic adventure together excite you in the least? And if not...why not?
I say you should go. Yes, it will be hot; yes, it’s a long plane ride, but your money will probably go farther than you think in that part of the world, so your accommodations may be nicer than you expect. And you’ll be in a region I’ve never heard anyone say they were sorry they visited. But you have to make an effort and approach it with an open mind. If you go expecting to hate it, you almost certainly will, and that would be a shame. Do some research, plan some sites you want to see or things you want to try, and leave expecting to have a great time.
Unless you recently said something like, “Know where I hope I never, ever go? Southeast Asia,” this was a fantastic thing for your boyfriend to do. You should really try to enjoy it.
Dear John,
When my girlfriend and I fight on the phone, literally every time at some point she will hang up on me then call back right away. Sometimes she’ll do this a couple of times. If I don’t answer the phone, then she gets REALLY mad and won’t stop calling until I answer, then when I do, she completely blows up. I have asked her not to do this because it drives me completely crazy, but she does it anyway. How should I handle this next time it happens? Because it will.
Signed,
No Answer
Dear No Answer,
By the time your girlfriend is ready to hang up on you, the two of you are way past the possibility of constructive disagreement. You should try very hard to prevent things from reaching that point in the first place. If you’re serious about this relationship, you may want to visit a couples’ therapist. It’s unlikely this kind of volatility will improve without professional help.
However, to answer your question, the next time she hangs up on you, I would shut the ringer and vibrate function off for a while and give yourselves a chance to cool down – shut the phone off altogether if you have to. What’s the point of answering it again just to continue fighting? Nothing good can come of that.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
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