Dear John: If She Won’t Be Tied Up, Will Boyfriend Get Away?
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Sincerely,
If It’s Not For Me, Am I For Him?
Dear Not For Me,
You have to share everything in your letter with your boyfriend. How he reacts will determine whether you can be happy together, not whether you agree to let him tie you up or not.
You’re right, of course – introducing any kind of bondage into your sexual relationship requires an extraordinary amount of trust in the person doing the binding. If you never reach the point that you can trust someone enough to allow him to do that, then don’t – but think about exploring why you’re reluctant to trust a partner to that extent.
If, at some point in the future, you are willing to try this with him, again, discuss your fears with him – that he will come to expect it, that you might never want to do it again, all that stuff.
And here’s what I mean by “how he reacts will determine whether you can be happy together”: if he is supportive, kind, understanding and emphasizes that this is something he would like but he would much rather have you “unbound” than not at all, then yes, you can be happy together. But if he gives you the tiniest hint that this is really important to him and never doing it might be a deal-breaker, save him the trouble and break it yourself.
Dear John,
Simple question for you: My husband and I have a dear friend who lost his wife to illness a couple of years ago. He barely survived the experience himself, he was so grief stricken, and has only recently come to seem at all like “his old self.” I recently found a book his wife loaned me – it was quite a while ago and I completely forgot I had it until stumbling upon it in a box that was never unpacked after a move. She wrote her name in it and also made copious notes on its pages. My husband and I disagree on what we should do with this book: I think our friend would want it back as it is so heavily personalized, but my husband is afraid that could amount to an emotional setback for him and why take that chance? And to be frank, I can see the merit in that, too. But what if the book were an unexpected source of comfort instead of sadness? I would hate to keep that from him in that case. What do you think?
Signed,
A Sad Story
Dear Sad Story,
Instead of guessing, why don’t you just ask him? Email or call to tell him you came upon one of his wife’s books you didn’t realize you had, she made quite a few notes in it, and you wondered if he would like it back. I understand you and your husband are concerned for your friend and want to shield him from pain, but the decision of whether to endure that pain is his to make, not yours. (For what it’s worth, if I were your friend, I would certainly want it back.)
Dear John,
I have a wife, a five-year-old son, and a prestigious, lucrative, boring job. I also have an idea for a book series I want to write aimed at what is called the “young adult” market in the publishing industry – a very hot segment right now, with authors getting publishing deals based on a few strong chapters and a great story.
My problem is a simple one: I very badly want to quit my job to work on this series. Here was my proposal to my wife: we have saved well over a year’s worth of my salary – my take-home salary. It’s immediately accessible, not in a retirement account or anything like that. And my profession is of the type that I could easily take a year off and return to it without missing a beat. So I want to quit to write for a year. We would not suffer financially, and in a year I will know whether I have something here. If not, I would simply return to work, humbler and wiser. But my wife is dead set against this idea for two reasons: she thinks I am overestimating the likelihood of getting picked up by a publisher (or successfully self-publishing, which is also a very real possibility these days, finally) and she thinks I am underestimating how difficult it would be to resume my career after taking so much time off (she’s simply wrong about this). I know it’s asking a lot of her to accede to my plan, but I honestly don’t think it’s asking THAT much – just to have a little faith in my abilities, or failing that, at least a little faith that I know what I’m doing and will not end up plunging my family into financial ruin no matter how this plays out. But she’s gone from patiently explaining why she is opposed to the idea to being exasperated that I won’t just drop it. But I can’t drop it – how can I get her to see that there’s no risk in my doing this beyond disappointment on my part?
Sincerely,
Writer’s Block
Dear Writer’s Block,
Regardless of the merits of your argument, your wife has given you her opinion on the subject, and she has apparently not wavered. So continuing to present the same plan to her over and over is nothing more than badgering. You may grind her down enough that she’ll give in simply because she’s tired of hearing about it, but that’s not a good way to resolve disputes with your partner. In fact, it’s hardly different from just doing what you want and telling her how things are going to be. You shouldn’t ask her opinion if you’re not willing to accept it.
I’m not saying that you should simply shrug and abandon your dream. But you need to go at this differently. You’re right that this should be a mutual decision, but you need to substantially change the information you’re giving her to base her decision on. For example, perhaps you could offer her a little concrete evidence that this isn’t some crazy dream. If you really pushed, could you start writing your series without quitting your job? Could you write a couple of chapters that might get you a letter from an agent (let alone a publisher) saying you have a good, marketable idea? That would be much harder to say no to than you saying, “But I know this is good!” for the umpteenth time.
This is assuming, of course, that the precariousness of your plan (as far as she’s concerned) is the basis of her fear and not something unrelated, like not wanting you at home all the time. You should have an honest talk with her to verify that there’s not more here than you’re aware of. Then, if there’s not, don’t just re-state your case – build it.
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