Dear John: Is Mom’s Boyfriend Nice? Or Nasty?
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Dear John,
My mom’s boyfriend kind of creeps me and my fifteen-year-old sister out. (I’m seventeen.) They have been together for almost a year. He’s never done anything specific I can point to, it’s more just the creepy vibe he creates, like getting closer than he has to to get by or giving you a hello hug that goes on just a little too long. And my sister feels the same way I do. We’ve brought it up to our mother, but when you describe it, it doesn’t sound like much, and she was kind of dismissive. She’s had bad luck with guys and she thinks she’s lucky to have him. She says he’s just nice and some people really are as nice as they seem and don’t have an ulterior motive. I’m not sure what to do, though. I don’t want to give him the benefit of the doubt against my better judgment and then have something happen. But he’s my mom’s boyfriend, so what can I really do anyway? I’d appreciate any ideas you have.
Sincerely, Wary
Dear Wary,
Yes, some people are as nice as they seem, but that very statement has a built-in acknowledgement that a lot of people aren’t. So I think you and your sister have to trust your gut feelings here. Remain open to the possibility that your suspicions are unwarranted, but for now, assume there’s something to them. The fact that your mother has had “bad luck” with guys isn’t exactly reassuring – that’s a euphemistic way of saying her judgment about men isn’t great. So for now, you and your sister should keep this guy at arm’s length, avoid situations in which either of you is alone with him, and see how things go between him and your mother. Be respectful to him, but respect your instincts even more.
Dear John,
I need an objective opinion. When someone offers to save you money by doing you a favor but ends up costing you MORE money, what is the best/fairest way to handle that? I needed some plumbing done and a friend who knows some plumbing offered to do it for a very good price (I didn’t ask – he offered and almost insisted.) He ended up stripping the threads on some pipes and screwing up some soldering on some other pipes and bottom line, I had to call someone in that ended up costing about $200 more than if I had just called him in to begin with. So what is the “cheap” plumber’s obligation in all this? And now another factor to see if this changes things: the cheap plumber is my brother-in-law who is unemployed and broke. My take is that he should somehow contribute to defraying the cost at least of what it took to undo the damage he did, but my wife disagrees.
Sincerely, Got What I Paid For
Dear Got What I Paid For,
Would it be nice if he helped you defray the costs he helped incur? Sure. But it doesn’t sound like he’s in any position to do so, and he’s certainly under no obligation to. It was nice of you to try to help him out, but you were getting something out of the deal, too. You took a chance, and it backfired. That happens sometimes. I wouldn’t say to avoid such deals in the future, but I would say to enter into them knowing things can go wrong. Bottom line, he doesn’t truly owe you anything, which is a good thing because he couldn’t pay you if he did. Write this off and don’t hold it against him. It’s not worth the family strife.
Dear John,
Like most of his friends, my artistic boyfriend has grown a big, bushy beard. He gets a lot of positive comments about it from his group of like-minded friends of both sexes, but I hate it. It really makes me feel less attracted to him. But he treats it like it’s a vote, like so many people he knows like it and it’s all of them against my one “no” vote. But he’s not intimate with any of them as far as I know! I feel like my opinion should trump everyone else’s, and he thinks since he likes the beard, I should learn to like it, as he puts it. Well, I’ve tried and I can’t. Who should give in here??
Sincerely, Not Kissing That
Dear Not Kissing That,
It would be a good sign if the two of you could meet halfway: if he could agree to keep his beard short and well groomed and you could agree to let this drop in return. But you both sound pretty stubborn with each other: he’s making you feel like your opinion carries no more weight than anyone else’s, and you’re framing this as a battle of wills you refuse to “give in” over. I think you could both afford to be a little more willing to go along with what your partner wants simply because your partner wants it. I understand that your boyfriend’s bushy beard is unattractive to you, but keep in mind that your desire to decide how looks is probably unattractive to him. I think you could both benefit from needing to get your way a little less.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
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