Dear John: Just A Few More Small Changes And She’ll Be Perfect!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Dear John,
I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months. When he first asked me out I said no but he kept asking and I guess it was nice to be wanted so badly so after a few times I said sure, why not. And I found that I liked him. He’s funny, has a great job, and we both like to do the same kind of stuff. There’s only one thing that’s weird. I don’t know why he pursued me so hard, because now that we know each other better, all he wants to do is change how I look. My clothes are one thing. He’s always pointing at other women in person or on TV and saying I should wear dresses more like that or shoes more like that or whatever, which is ok because I don’t usually like the kind of things he’s talking about but he’s at least willing to buy them for me. But the big thing is he wants me to wear my hair completely differently, pretty much the opposite of how it is now. He really wants to see how I’d look if I had my hair colored blond and let it grow longer. Right now it’s very dark brown and kind of medium length and I’m on the dark-skinned side. And he brings it up a lot. The thing is I just don’t want to. I don’t know why. It’s not that I don’t think it will look good, maybe it will, I just don’t feel like seeing everyone for the first time and having to talk about it so much, and the main point is, if he didn’t keep bringing it up, I would never even consider it. But then I think, what’s the harm, maybe I should try it for just that reason. To try something different. It’s not like it’s anything permanent, so maybe I’m being too close-minded. But then on the other hand, I hate the feeling that I’m being nagged into it. I go back and forth. Should I let him influence me so much, or am I making way too much out of something that’s not a big deal?
Signed,
Not Me
Dear Not Me,
I think the unease you feel about this doesn’t have anything to do with the specifics of what he’s asking but the simple fact that he’s asking to the point of pestering you about it. Who would be happy to receive a message that amounts to, “Hey, do this, this and THIS and you might be all right!” Stop agonizing, stop vacillating and stop distrusting your own gut feelings. You don’t want to do this, so don’t do it. And tell him to stop annoying you about it. If he doesn’t like that, let him find a girlfriend that’s either blonder or more malleable.
Dear John,
My girlfriend and I argue a lot and if there’s anything that’s going to lead to us breaking up it’s not another person or anything like that, it’s these arguments. They’re completely senseless and nothing ever gets resolved because if I’m right about whatever it is we’re fighting about (and that is usually what happens to be honest with you) instead of admitting she was wrong, she gets even more mad at me for winning the argument! This happens time and time again. Most recently, she thought she caught me in a lie about where I was one night after work, but she was completely wrong, but when proven to be wrong, instead of an apology, she just says okay, I didn’t do it this time, but that’s exactly the type of thing I WOULD do! How do you reason with someone like this? Seriously, because I can’t take it.
Sincerely,
Can’t Win
Dear Can’t Win,
When a couple argues a lot, that’s an indication that they’re either incompatible in some basic way or that they just don’t know how to be in a relationship. And that’s not meant as criticism of either of you: being a good partner is something that we have to learn, usually from our parents when we’re growing up, and if we don’t have that example to follow when we’re adults, we often find it very hard to make a relationship work. We don’t know how because we never learned. This is far too complicated an issue to be addressed in an advice column except to say if you really want this relationship to be successful, you should talk to a couples therapist.
There is one piece of advice I can give you, though, whether you apply it to this relationship or a future one. An argument with your partner is nothing like an argument with a buddy or a high school debate. You don’t “win” by compiling a list of facts that prove you’re correct. That is a pyrrhic victory at best: the fact that you proved your point, far from bringing your girlfriend around, will only make her resentful, as you’re finding. Because in a relationship, arguments are usually not about what they appear to be about. They’re usually about something deeper. The one you describe in your letter, for example, was not really about where you were at a particular time; it was about the problems your girlfriend has trusting you. And it may be still deeper: it may have been about the problems she has trusting anybody. So as I said, if you’re really committed to trying to make this work, you’re going to need professional help. But the sooner you abandon your idea of winning arguments with your partner the better. Win enough of those battles and you’ll be sure to lose the war.
Dear John,
My wife and I are both in our 60s and on our second marriage for both of us. I didn’t know my wife when she was a younger woman. I’ve only known her for four years. But I do know her to be a thoughtful, caring, kind and loving person. I also know she wasn’t always this way. When she was younger, she badly hurt a lot of people she was supposed to love, and none more so than her two sons. There were a lot of reasons for the way she acted, and they’re the usual ones – horrific childhood that led to drug and alcohol abuse, etc. But she doesn’t make excuses any more. With a lot of help and work on her part, she’s gotten her life together.
Now she would like some kind of reconciliation with her remaining son, or at least some kind of contact or communication. The other one died of an illness before that was even a remote possibility, and that fact is something she struggles with every day. I guess what she wants is not even necessarily forgiveness as much as a simple acknowledgement. Any kind of response. But her attempts to get that response fall on completely deaf ears. She has attempted to contact him (he doesn’t live in the area) through the mail, phone and online. Nothing. John, I hate to see how this eats away at her. I would never presume to judge how he is responding. I have no doubt that in some way my wife is sleeping in a bed of her own making. But I wonder if there’s anything I could or should be doing here? I think maybe if I were to try to step in, that he might be receptive to this if it was initiated by a third party he knows isn’t trying to dismiss or justify the things his mother did. I don’t know. Do you have any idea what I might say to him, or short of that, to her to help either of them through this?
Sincerely,
Helpless
Dear Helpless,
You could certainly write to her son on her behalf, but I don’t think it will influence him. But if you do contact him, keep in mind that how he feels is perfectly understandable. Regardless of the reasons for it, his mother completely failed him. It would be nice if he was receptive to some kind of reconciliation, but he doesn’t owe her that. There’s a chance that the best way for him to live his life today is to keep him walled off from your wife. She may want something else, but she has forfeited the right to expect it if it’s more than he wants he wants to give. I understand she’s sorry for her past and a different person now, and I sincerely hope this doesn’t sound callous, but the things she did have far-reaching consequences. Things may not go the way she hopes.
What I think she can do is to keep in one-way touch with him. Every three or six months, write to him without an expectation of a response. Just write what she would put in a “normal” letter and tell him what’s going on in her life. Don’t make it yet another request for an answer – she has her answer there. Over time, though, his feelings may change, and it may give her some comfort to have even a limited connection with him. If he asks her to stop, though, she should honor his request. What can you do? Treat her with as much love, kindness, patience and understanding as you possibly can. She needs it.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
Related Articles
- Dear John: My Wife Is Trying To Save Her Childhood Home
- Dear John: A Divorce of Convenience
- Dear John: Expressing Anger Through Sex. Or No Sex, Actually.
- Dear John: Will I Ever Go On a Date?
- Dear John: Embarrassment is the Least of Her Problems
- Dear John: Wingmanning is Getting Old
- Dear John: Is Mom’s Boyfriend Nice? Or Nasty?
- Dear John: Midlife Boredom: How Do I Get Excited About Life Again?
- Dear John: Okay To Date Your Ex’s Sibling? Depends On The Sibling
- Dear John: Hey Neighbor, Stop Leaving Nasty Notes on My Car!
- Dear John: My Mother-In-Law Is Sex Offender Paranoid
- Dear John: Single Dad - How Do I Handle Daughter’s Adolescence?
- Dear John: Do Promises Outlive the People We Make Them With?
- Dear John: Lonely Sister-In-Law Wants To Be Best Friends, Too
- Dear John: The Friend Who Knew Too Much
- Dear John: Just Friends Again???
- Dear John: Does Split With Wife Mean Split With Friends, Too?
- Dear John: Going From One Bad Relationship To Another
- Dear John: If She Won’t Be Tied Up, Will Boyfriend Get Away?
- Dear John: He Thinks It’s Hot, I Think It’s Not
- Dear John: My Best Friend’s Visiting and My Boyfriend Can’t Wait
- Dear John: Living – And Loving – On Borrowed Time?
- Dear John: My Boyfriend is Bad at Sex
- Dear John: Ending An Affair Much Harder Than Starting It
Follow us on Pinterest Google + Facebook Twitter See It Read It