Dear John: Will Third Time Be Charm for Cursed Relationship?

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

John Simpson, GoLocal Advice Columnist

What’s your problem? Write to John at [email protected].

Dear John,

I’m thinking of going back with my boyfriend, but I don’t know. We’ve already been together for a long period of time and broken up twice, so this would be the third time together. We both really love each other and want it to work. We miss each other so much when we’re apart, but when we’ve been together the past times, we just argue a lot. It seems like our personalities have a strong attraction to each other, but neither one of us really knows how to be in a relationship, so we have our share of problems. We both had parents who argued a lot and we’ve talked about it and I really think we just don’t know how to be together. But it’s even harder to be apart! When things are going well, it’s really, really nice, and we’re great together sexually always. The times we’ve been broken up I’ve dated other men and all I could think about was him and how I’ve never felt anything so strong with another guy. It just seems so right, even with all our problems. I feel like not being together and being together both won’t work! Whichever situation we’re in, we want the other. Help!

Sincerely,
Third Time’s The Charm?

Dear Third Time’s The Charm?,

Why would the third time be the charm? What will be different this time? The two of you have established your pattern, and unless something changes, it’s pretty obvious that if you simply get back together, you’ll have a brief period of happiness until the euphoria wears off and you’re at each other’s throats again.

Your letter contains a line that may be more true than you realize: neither of you knows how to be in a relationship. That’s exactly right. How to be in a healthy, happy relationship is something we learn, usually from our parents, but neither of you had parents who could teach you how to be a good partner. It’s no wonder that you want to make this work, but you just don’t know how to.

Whether you get back together or not is up to you. But if you do reunite, you should do so with a couples’ therapist to help you along and to show you productive ways to resolve the conflicts you’ll inevitably face. Without that guidance and support, there’s no reason to think round three will end any differently than the first two did.

Dear John,

I play in a co-ed sports league with some co-workers after work. We socialize afterwards, and it’s a good opportunity to get to know my colleagues better. Unfortunately, getting to know one of them better has meant being exposed to his jokes and cracks that I find homophobic and offensive. I have a gay brother and I know how hurt he would be if he heard some of the things this guy says, not to mention how he would feel if I seemed like I approved. No one else in our group seems particularly bothered by it, but that might be because this man is very senior in our company. I don’t want to sit there and laugh, but I’m afraid not doing so would call attention to me and he’s just the kind of guy who would call me out in front of everyone. I resent even having to navigate this. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Signed,
It’s Not Funny

Dear It’s Not Funny,

There are lots of ways to respond to an offensive boor. You can walk away during one of his jokes. You can give him an I-can’t-quite-believe-I-just-heard-that look and pointedly change the subject. You can sit there and ignore him, or take advantage of the modern escape of pretending to be absorbed in whatever you’re reading on your phone. The only thing you can’t do is betray your principles by offering him the least bit of encouragement by laughing along. I get that he’s your boss and overtly challenging him in front of everyone probably wouldn’t be the best idea. (You could still share your feelings with him privately, though.) But you don’t have to act as if you think what he’s doing is okay. And don’t worry about being called out – if you are, be honest and say you just don’t think that kind of humor is funny. He’s the one who should worry about being called out, not you.

Dear John,

What is the proper response, if there is one, to a co-worker showing up out of the blue one day wearing some kind of hairpiece? We can hardly pretend not to notice, yet politeness seems to require that we do exactly that. As far as we know, this appears to be a permanent change. What do we say, if anything?

Sincerely,
Wigged Out

Dear Wigged Out,

I would try to put yourself in his shoes (or, in this case, hairpiece) and then offer the kind of response that might make an insecure man feel good for a minute or two. Thinking about it, if I were him, I would be uncomfortable if everyone just kept looking at their shoes when they saw me. I think I’d want people to acknowledge it with a lightly encouraging word or two. Something like, “Hey, Mark! Like the change.” Whether you do, in fact, like the change is irrelevant. The point is, Mark appears to like it, and all you have to do is acknowledge it to break its spell as The Obvious Thing We’re Not Supposed To Notice.