Dear John: With Mom Gone, Sister’s Selling Memories
Tuesday, September 09, 2014
Dear John,
I’m writing about an issue I’m having with my sister. Our mother passed away a while back and her possessions were divided between the two of us (our father died many years ago and we have no other siblings) according to our mother’s will. The issue I’m having is that I recently learned that my sister has sold some of my mother’s things and is planning on selling more. Maybe all of them for all I know. She has already sold one item that was my great grandmother’s so it has been in our family for four generations and now it is gone and literally irreplaceable. And she has other things of equal value, not just monetarily, but emotionally. I am absolutely heartsick over this. I don’t know why she’s doing it, whether she’s desperate for money or what, because we are not especially close and the one conversation we had about it degenerated into an argument before we could even get very far and we haven’t spoken since. But she was always the “black sheep” type, so I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she’s doing it out of spite for all of us. How can I get her to see that once something is gone, there’s no getting it back? And that when she’s older, she may sorely regret getting rid of things she doesn’t care about today, but by then it will be too late?
Sincerely,
Sad Sister
Dear Sad Sister,
Your sister’s willingness to stop selling these things depends on her reason for selling them in the first place. If she needs money badly, it may be more difficult to dissuade her than if she’s doing it out of spite. But you won’t know any of this until you can have a calm discussion with her. Don’t present this as her selling “Mom’s things.” They’re not your mother’s – they’re hers, and she can do with them whatever she pleases. At the same time, I can certainly understand your desire to keep them in your family. But your sister may have different priorities, and you may have to accept that. One thing you could do is simply offer to buy the things from her yourself. If she needs money, I can’t imagine that she would object to that. It may be a different story if she’s trying to anger you, but that’s all the more reason to have a calm, rational discussion with her as soon as you can.
Dear John,
My closest friend is in a terrible mess and it’s the type of thing I can’t tell even other close friends about, so I’m writing to you because I need someone’s opinion about this.
The facts are simple: she’s married. She had an affair with a man who is also married. She got pregnant. And she is not planning on telling anyone anything. In fact, the only reason I know this is because I dragged it out of her when I noticed she was gaining weight. At first she denied it was a result of the affair, but I could tell something was wrong.
John, I can see how not saying anything and letting her husband think the baby is his would be an easy way out of this, and I can even believe that the guy she had an affair with would rather not blow up his marriage with the news, so if it’s a lie, it’s a lie that everyone involved would want her to tell. If she told her husband the truth, her marriage, which already had problems obviously or she wouldn’t have been having an affair, could probably not survive, and then where would she be? And she thinks having a baby could actually help her marriage…as long as her husband thinks the baby is his. It really does seem like this is one of those rare lies that’s better for everyone than the truth. So why can’t I shake the feeling that it’s just wrong, period? Crazy as it seems, could this be a good idea?
Signed,
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie?
Dear Let Sleeping Dogs Lie?
You can’t shake the feeling that it’s wrong for the simplest of reasons: because it’s wrong. You can pile up as many rationalizations on one side of the scale as you want; they will never be enough to even budge the enormous lie on the other side.
There are logical reasons why you should urge her to tell the truth: genetically based medical conditions could be an issue, for example. Or what happens if her husband (should they manage to stay together) dies while the baby is still a child, and she needs financial help to raise him? Does she spring the news on the biological father then? Is that fair or right? No, the best thing – not the least painful thing, certainly, or the easiest thing, but undoubtedly the best one and the ethical one – is to come clean to all involved and deal with the fallout with the help of a marriage and family therapist. (Professional help will definitely be essential, and it will still be a steeply uphill climb to salvage her marriage.) Marriages built on lies sit atop the most unreliable of foundations, and they almost inevitably topple at some point. As her closest friend, that’s what your advice to her should be.
Dear John,
I’m a junior in high school and I’ve been thinking a lot about where to go to college, what to study, etc. My interests lean toward the arts and humanities, and that’s what I’d like to pursue, even though I don’t know exactly what that means yet. But think along the lines of comparative literature, theatre, creative writing, that type of thing. But my parents have said they will only pay for me to go to college if what I study has a clear career path following it. Think business, accounting, something leading to law or med school, etc. And they are very serious and unwilling to negotiate about it. So what can I do? Which is better – going to college and studying something I have zero interest in while loading up on the things that do interest me whenever I have the chance? Or calling their bluff and not going to college – that would mortify them far more than having a theater major for a son! The problem with that scenario, though, is I really do want to go to college very much. I just don’t want to study accounting! Help!
Signed,
Major Problem
Dear Major Problem,
The best scenario, of course, is the one you haven’t listed: going to college and studying what you are passionate about. That’s what you should do. So you just have to figure out how you’re going to make it happen.
The first thing you should do is make an appointment with your school’s guidance counselor to talk to him or her about your predicament. Perhaps he or she could introduce you to a financial aid specialist or someone who works in the financial aid office of a nearby college. These are the people whose expertise you should be seeking to figure out a way for you to finance your own college education. Be prepared to make some hard choices like working and saving for a year or two in order to make this happen. That could well be what it takes. On the other hand, maybe when your parents see how serious you are about this, they will relent a bit and help you out.
The ironic thing is they apparently believe pursuing something that lacks clear earning potential is a waste of money they would like to avoid. But sending you off to study a subject you’re not even interested in strikes me as the biggest waste of money of all. Good luck.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
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