Good is Good: Do Divorced Dads Get a Raw Deal?

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Tom Matlack, GoLocalProv Contributor

Tom Matlack is the former CFO of the Providence Journal and is the founder of The Good Men Project, a non-profit charitable corporation based in Rhode Island and dedicated to helping organizations that provide educational, social, financial, and legal support to men and boys at risk.

My friend Pedro taught me pretty much everything I know about being a dad.

We both had big houses, important jobs, and angry wives with whom our relationships came to a sudden end. We also had kids; I had two, he had three. He had twins roughly the same age as my kids at the time, 1 and 3. He also had an older adopted daughter, Janet, confined to a wheelchair and with very limited verbal skills.

In the beginning I had no idea how to take care of my babies during my weekends with them, so I watched Pedro with his two toddlers and a special needs child. He did it with patience, joy, and perseverance. From him, I learned to roll up my sleeves and get dirty and treasure the smallest moment of bonding, with my own children and, eventually, others I met along the way.

In the end, Pedro’s ex-wife pursued a job out of state. She went to court to take Pedro’s twins away from him and, having no desire to have anything to do with a special needs child, left him with Janet. Pedro, an attorney, defended his own case—and lost. For the last decade he has seen his twins only on appointed weekends and has been Janet’s primary caregiver.

Dan's cautionary tale

Dan is a bonds salesman. He lives in Massachusetts, where alimony has no expiration, and has three kids. After his divorce his ex-wife took up with another man, who moved into Dan’s old house with his kids. His ex didn’t marry her boyfriend—she wanted to continue the generous financial arrangement set forth in the terms of the divorce.

Dan got remarried and decided his only means of financial survival would be to quit his job. Eventually Dan hired an attorney who brokered a new agreement that put a time limit on the alimony terms. His ex-wife eventually married her boyfriend—but Dan, who’d been out of work for a year, had no choice but to get a job out of town, away from his kids.

Do dads get screwed in divorce?

The stories of these two men, both close friends of mine, reinforced my own personal experience and led me to believe that the answer is, frankly, yes.

What do you think? Comment here, below.

For more of Tom's works, as well as other pieces on related topics, go to The Good Men Project Magazine online, here.