How to Succeed at Online Dating

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Don A. Kruse, GoLocalWorcester Contributor

You have made a big change in your life but now it's time to revitalize your love life. Have you tried online dating already? How did it work out for you? I’ve heard stories from friends and acquaintances of both the good and the bad sides of online dating. I listened carefully and what I learned along the way is that the people who had more positive experiences all took the same approach.

Be Honest

Being honest in an online context doesn’t mean spilling your guts out online, but it does mean being honest with yourself about what you are looking for. Nearly all online-dating sites have a similar model: You have a profile, you answer questions, and you provide photos (I have some really good tips on how to be successful in all three of these areas).

Kinks

But the number one tip is to be honest. If you aren’t comfortable discussing something publicly then don’t put it out there on a dating site. These sites ARE public and not all of your information is kept private. So if you have a special kink but don’t want to describe it publicly, then don’t. You might mention that you have a fetish, but leave it as something to discuss with a potential date and not as something posted in your profile. You’ll still be able to find someone who shares your desires.

How Do I Get Started?

Keep in mind that there are definitely different categories of dating sites and dating users. Some sites are focused on finding you a mate; others are focused on finding you a hook-up; others are there to help you get a date.

All Sites Created Unequal

Based on my observations and experience, I’m going to recommend against using an online dating or matchmaking service to find a lifelong mate. You need to have dates first. Yes, many dates. I also don’t suggest using a service to find a temporary partner for sex. These kinds of services are usually a scam because if it sounds too good to be true it probably is. I also don’t recommend spending any money to subscribe to a service, as there are several free services that have good reputations and that I’ve heard good things about. In fact as I write this I am happily in an over one-year relationship with a woman I met using a free dating service. Another employee at the firm is married to a partner they met online through a dating service.

According to Lifehacker the top 5 free dating sites are:

Most of my own experience is with OkCupid but the same guidelines and suggestions should be applied to any of the other top dating sites.

When you sign up for one of these services keep in mind that you don’t want to use your real name or even a real nickname for yourself. Unfortunately, there are a creepy people on these sites and your ex is probably on them too so you will want to keep a little distance between your online self and your real self.

Don’t Pay Right Away

Don’t immediately sign up for any paid features. Wait and be patient. Try the service as a free user first before you spend any money. Match.com is a dating site that is definitely trying to help you find a lifelong mate. I strongly recommend against searching for a mate too soon after a life-changing event such as a divorce. Your therapist probably told you the same thing. OkCupid is very focused on finding you a date, in fact many dates, and that is a good thing.

You want to meet people. For some of us that might come easily while for others it is difficult.

I’m Signed Up. Now What?

OkCupid uses a standard model where you fill out a free-form profile, answer basic questions, and then answer a lot of seemingly random questions. Most dating and/or matchmaking sites use a similar model. As I wrote earlier, it’s important to be honest, but being honest doesn’t mean describing your past.

Cast a Wide Net

If your ex was a blonde, but you really prefer brunettes then put that you like brunettes (if it’s important). Keep things short in the free form part of your profile but don’t be afraid to cover all kinds of things that interest you. Describe yourself and describe some details about your dream partner. However, be careful about being too specific about either yourself or a partner. You are conducting an experiment so don’t be afraid to test out ideas. If you describe your potential date too specifically you might be eliminating 80% of the other fun dates you might have had.

Be Active and Evolving

All dating sites work best if you use them regularly. This means don’t worry about dumping everything in there during one late night session. Take your time. Get it right. Keep coming back to your profile. Answer a few more questions. Again, don’t be afraid to change things.

On my OkCupid profile I frequently went back and changed my profile or changed my answers to questions. Often it was because potential dates were taking my answers the wrong way or misinterpreting what I meant. After a while I was really happy with my profile. It truly represented who I thought I was. The more I tweaked things the more fun I had with my dates. That doesn’t mean I felt they were likely long-term partner candidates but they were fun. We had more in common to talk about and just in general were more interesting to each other. I kept learning about what I was looking for.

The more I tweaked my profile the better my dates ended up being.

Be Safe

Here I have to mention a few common sense guidelines. You are going to be messaging, emailing, and meeting a lot of random people, which means you need to keep yourself safe.

Be cautious about revealing too much about where you live or work and don’t mention your kids’ schools if you have kids. There’s no reason your potential date needs to know any of these things. The dating service has already determined that you live close to each other (hopefully you’re not looking for a long distance romance because these usually don’t work out). Usually it’s okay to mention your first name. Curiously one of my dates figured out who I was in real life after I gave them my first name. This is because they worked in the same industry as I did in the same city so it was easy for them to work out where I worked.

When you arrange to go on a date with someone please pick a public spot where you won’t be alone. I strongly recommend going beyond just drinks or dinner or coffee. Pick an art or food event or something else you’re interested in. It’s OK to keep the dates simple. Meet someone for a quick coffee on the way home from work. Your dates don’t need to be too involved to be successful. You are trying to meet people, not kill time. A short one-hour date can be very enlightening while a three-hour date with someone you’ve never met can be an ordeal.

Photos Matter

I’m actually a mediator on OkCupid, which means I look at a lot of photos. My biggest complaint about the photos people put up is that they often don’t have anything to do with them or they are simply really poor quality so you can’t really see the person.

Take all new photos. Yes, do this. You want your photos to be up-to-date. This is part of being honest. You do not have to include your face if for some reason you want to keep that private but keep in mind that this is going to tend to objectify you. Do not include your kids in your photos. Do not include your ex. In fact avoid photos that have any other people in them. Your kids, your ex, and your friends don’t need to be part of your dating profile.

Ask a friend to help you take some photos of you. Keep this on your mind as you move through your day and ask the people you are with to take a photo of you out on a hike, snowboarding, dancing, hanging out at your favorite bar. Go ahead and take some selfies too.

Find Who You’re Looking For

What I learned through my own experience and when listening to others is that when it comes to online dating, you will need to go out on dates. Yes, you will need to message, chat, or talk on the phone with people first but if you don’t actually go on several dates you won’t learn and grow. Your first date may not be perfect, and your second may not go so well either, but if you’re being open and honest eventually your dates will be fun adventures.

And you will find who you’re looking for.

Nerd Stuff

OkCupid, like many other sites, uses algorithms to match people up. OkCupid is notorious for skewing or randomly changing their algorithms from time to time. Don’t think of this as a bad thing as Its good to change things up. Maybe your profile wasn’t working very well anyway, so if the algorithm is changes, maybe it will start working better for you.

Wired published a fun story a while back of how a math genius worked with OkCupid’s algorithms to find true love. He also went on a lot of dates. I mean a lot.

Don is the Information Technology Director at the law firm of Stahancyk, Kent & Hook in Portland, Oregon. He is a member of the Portland FileMaker Pro User Group, an Apple Developer, and provides expert testimony for clients in Oregon and Southwest Washington. He enjoys social media, photography, providing technical support tips in web forums, talking long walks with his son, and riding his Ducati motorcycle. He can’t wait to share with you some of the new technology the firm is working on.

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How to Succeed at Online Dating

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