Modern Manners + Etiquette: Telling It Like It Isn’t

Monday, April 18, 2011

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners and Etiquette Expert

How to spot a liar

Whom can you trust? Etiquette has gone awry, the average person lies several times a day. Some of those lies are whoppers, others are social white lies, and then there are the lies we tell ourselves—but the biggest lies are those we tell the ones we love. Nietzche was right, the lie is a condition of life. As most of our conversations take place through cellphone tower signals and the WWW and not face-to-face, it is easier than ever to lie.

Most of us lie twice a day...

...as often as we brush our teeth, according to a survey by Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Virginia. The study of men and women between the ages of 18 and 71 years old divulged that roughly a fifth of their social exchanges lasting at least ten minutes were ripe with untruths; and furthermore over the course of a week, they lied to about 30% of those with whom they had conversations.

Not surprisingly, the study found that the relationship between parents and their teens is a veritable magnet for deception: “College students lie to their mothers in one out of two conversations,” Dr. DePaulo found. It's no wonder when role models are parents and lying is so integral to so many occupations from lawyers spinning theories to defend their client, to reporters trying to get in on a breaking story. By the way, the lies we're talking about here aren't the nice social lies, as in “It's good to see you,” or “Thanks for bringing that to my attention,” when we're really thinking, “What a bitch.”

Lying also prevails in our romantic liaisons

Apparently 84% of the couples interviewed in a college study recorded that one or both partners had lied about past relationships and current hookups. And that during intimate encounters dating couples lie approximately a third of the time.

The best news is that marriage provides a certain amount of protection against deception because spouses lie to each other in “only” 10% of their conversations. However, because of the intimacy of the relationship the nature of those lies tends to be bigger, “You save your really big lies” Dr. DePaulo says, “for the person that you're closest to.” We've all been there enough to know that of all the bad behaviors, lying stings the longest.

Telling the truth is automatic and effortless whereas lying is exhausting.

We were brought up to believe that it was easier to tell the truth, which is why we will eventually—probably—always get caught in a lie. In order to get away with a lie, you need to be actively remembering the story you've fabricated so that you don't get caught as it is harder to remember something you made up—rather than just tell the truth. During the telling of the lie, the liar has to also remember to monitor the body language and facial expressions of the person to whom he's lying to in order to be sure he's thoroughly convincing. On top of that, he's also trying to look honest—harder work than just being honest. Then finally, there is the stress during the unfolding of the lie, while you're actively hiding the truth, when you're trying to remember if you've left out any detail that could come back to haunt you.

How to be a lie-spotter

Have the person retell the story backwards because sequencing in reverse runs counter to the natural forward sequencing of events and is therefore harder to do—“Tell me what you did just before you came home and then what you did before that.”

Keep eye contact: A liar has to keep track of their lie by concentrating on the details of the lie, which usually forces them to look away more often than if they were telling the truth. Keeping eye contact takes concentration away from the efforting that is needed to tell the lie.

Follow the money: What's in it for the liar? Is there a self-serving motivation? What's the motivation?

Listen to the tone of voice: With the exception of sociopaths, who are expert liars, most lies sound tense; most noticeably, they're higher pitched.

Look for those nanosecond emotional facial expressions that flash onto the face in 1/125th of a second, because they reflect the liar's true feelings.

Look for an absence of dramatic gestures such as using one's hands and arms while talking.

Look for nervous habits: scratching, fidgeting, blinking.

Forget what we used to think were the telltale signs of a fibbing, stuttering or stumbling over words, because clues of verbal fumbling probably mean the person's telling the truth. Imperfections in speech show the speaker's spontaneity and not nervous deceit. Studies show that liars tell less compelling stories with fewer hand gestures than truth-tellers.

Sweet little lies

The presumably harmless social lies that help bond us in our relationships, aid us in getting along with one another more easily: “That was a really good dinner, I love your roast chicken,” she says because she's so relieved when he pitches in to make meals. And although the sexes lie equally as much to each other, studies find that women are more apt to stretch the truth to protect someone's feelings, than are men. Moreover, men are more likely to lie about themselves, especially when talking with other men; unsurprisingly, men are eight times more likely to tell self-oriented lies. Interestingly enough, that same study showed that women usually sense when a woman friend is lying.

Frequent liars are manipulative and Machaivellian, and are always too concerned about the impression they make on others. DePaulo says that extroverted, sociable people are more likely to lie, and that those who are overly self-confident and attractive are more apt to lie under pressure because they think they can get away with it. Nevertheless, the least likely to lie are those who score high on psychological scales and those with strong same-sex friendships. Most compelling is that those who are depressed are less likely to try to deceive others because they perceive reality with greater accuracy. There is a popular theory going forth from UCLA psychologist Shelley Taylor, Ph.D. that a certain amount of self-delusion—primarily, lying to yourself—is essential to good mental health!

How to tell a truth-teller from a liar

Forget polygraphs, say the experts, most psychologists agree that lie detectors in there very nature are destined to be imperfect. They simply make a tense person more nervous. However, the obvious clues that a person is lying over the phone can be detected by listening carefully:

Listen for speech hesitations or changes in vocal pitch or tone.

Listen for language patterns that predict when someone is lying—such as not using I or me.

Listen for a lack of emotional words—such as disappointed, sorry, hurt and angry.

Listen for a lack of cognitive words—such as understand or realize.

Don't be discouraged, most of us can barely spot more than half of all lies and truths through listening and observing—meaning of course that we guess wrong almost as often as we're right. In spite of its abilities, the brain has limited capacity for how much thinking it can handle at one time while processing information and since lying is harder to do than telling the truth, these compromised abilities usually show up in obvious detectable behavior clues. This all goes to prove why lies are more prevalent through the use of modern day communication devices that provide more anonymity than a face-to-face conversation. The ubiquity of lying is clearly a problem. Most of us don't feel good fibbing in person, which is why we are more at ease lying over the phone or Internet.

Didi Lorillard researches manners and etiquette on her Web site NewportManners.com by answering questions about everyday, as well as unusual, dilemmas. Follow Didi on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn, after reading her previous GoLocalProv columns linked here below.