Modern Manners + Etiquette: Saying “Sorry”

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners and Etiquette Expert

Not surprisingly, Japan's earthquake has had little effect on the culture's impeccable manners—the LA Times reported Sunday in a blog by Laura King. The Japanese language is filled with ritual apologies, offered so frequently that at times they seem close to meaningless: “I am about to make a nuisance of myself—please, excuse me!” Mostly it's habit—a matter of tradition.

But in a time of crisis, this kind of courteousness is the glue that ultimately is holding Japan together. What is amazing to me is that when trains started up again following the wake of the 9.0 earthquake and massive tsunami, travelers lined up in an orderly fashion to get on board—there was no pushing or shoving! Foreign reporters are marveling at how calmly and patiently the survivors lineup for food, water, gas and cash.

A most telling of tale is of Hiroko Yamashita, trapped after having her ankle shattered by a falling unhinged bookcase, she told paramedics what any “normal” person would say: she apologized for the inconvenience she was causing them—even pleading with them to take care for those worse off.

Love means never having to say “sorry”

In contrast, our culture tends more toward believing that,“Love means never having to say you're sorry.”—an icon from the '70s, popularized by Eric Segal's novel Love Story and the blockbuster movie starring Ali MacGraw and Ryan O'Neal. In other words, put in another way, sorry is the highest act, therefore you don't have to say that you're sorry because when you love someone and that person has betrayed you, you have already forgiven that person in your heart before that person asks for forgiveness!

For most of us, saying “sorry” and especially, “I'm sorry,” is extremely hard to to do. Without a second thought we apologize for the inadvertent oversight of closing a door on a person behind us, because our back was to them. We are more apt to come up with a lamer excuse for our behavior—instead of admitting that we said something humiliating or insulting, we tend to blame our inappropriate action on something—or worse—on someone else.

When you apologize you are sending the message that you did something wrong.

Do
Say you're sorry when you're in the wrong—“I 'm sorry I forgot to pick you up after practice today.”
Save “I'm sorry” for when you really mean it; for instance when your teenager didn't get into his/her first choice college.

Don't say, “I'm sorry, but...
I'm sorry, but you know I don't like surprises.
I'm sorry, but you made me do it.
I'm sorry, but you didn't tell me that.

Don't say, “I wish I could, I'm so sorry," when you mean no, because you're sending a mixed message—you really cannot afford to spring for that alcohol-themed college-break binge to Cancun.

Don't follow, “No” with, “I'm sorry.”—You don't want to loan your daughter your car for the weekend to go to a concert in Vermont—because you might need it; plus, you know she'll bring it back filthy, out of gas and, perhaps, in need of repair.

A stiff apology can add insult to injury, so say it gently with sincerity. To be meaningful, an apology should be qualified or unconditional—“You were my first choice for the job, but I was pressured into promoting someone from within the firm. I'm sorry, I'll try to make it up to you by contacting friends in the industry.”

When arrogance and selfishness cross the line into narcissism and when someone goes even further and is a sociopath, it's interesting to contemplate someone like Bernie Madoff and consider those questions. I don't know about you; but love and life is more about “sorry” than “not sorry.” The perfect way to say “sorry” is to acknowledge the error by owning up—self-correcting.

The most effective way to say “sorry”

“Sorry, but you have done this to yourself.”—when Jake stayed out past curfew and you have to ground him.

The perfect way to say “sorry” is to acknowledge the error—take ownership of the mistake—“I didn't know you were in earshot while mom and I were discussing finances, we were going to tell you. I'm sorry, you had to hear it that way.”

Be gentle because a stiff apology can add insult to injury. The insulted person doesn't want to be compensated by being humiliated; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.

Didi Lorillard answers questions on her Web site NewportManners.com from the lovelorn, parents, their kids, and all of us in the working world who want to know how to apologize. Ask her a question yourself, or follow her on Twitter, and Like her on Facebook and LinkedIn—after you've read her previous columns on www.golocalprov.com.