Modern Manners + Etiquette: Reconnecting Lovers

Monday, May 16, 2011

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners and Etiquette Expert

Marriage may be a many splendid thing, however, we may harbor regrets. Lovers want to get it right the second time around; they also want their intentions to be in sync with the etiquette trend. An intriguing new survey indicates that the most widely shared regret amongst adults involves an erstwhile romance. A lost romantic opportunity that beats buried deep within their heart. And, probably, a yearning to rekindle that passion.

Recently, researchers at Northwestern University and the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign interviewed 370 adults asking them to confess their most memorable regret. To explain what it was, how it came about and whether their regret grew out of some act they did or didn't do. Surprisingly, the most common regret was not having encountered a devastating financial loss, but regretting a lost romance; because one in five respondents told a story of a missed love connection. The second most common regret involved an unresolved family issue, where 16% of the respondents regretted having participated in a family squabble or having treated a child or sibling unfairly or unkindly.

Other laments that topped the most profound regret's list included education (13 percent), career (12 percent), money issues (11 percent), parenting mistakes (9 percent) and health regrets (6 percent). All of which have been documented in the journal of Social Psychological & Personality Science.

Was it the frequency of the sex they regretted losing?

After all, “When you have good sex, there's a relaxation response and a satiation response...you lie there and life is great,” says Dr. Irwin Goldstein, editor-in-chief of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. He explains that it's mostly chemical—the joy from neurotransmitters and hormones that rise and fall while making love. New research suggests that the excitement from the boost in dopamine activates the brain's craving for reward “just like chocolate and winning at gambling,” says Erick Janseen, a senior scientist at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.

Apparently, researchers lately have theorized that the feeling of loss is not necessarily just about the frequency of sex, according to Dr. Janssen, “The 'more is better' prescription is too simplistic, what we've learned from all our years of research is that what's important is the satisfaction and the meaning we attach to sex.” In other words, “if you're having sex in a frequency and in a way that is compatible with who you are, then that's healthy,” says Dr. Janssen.

Regretting a lost romantic opportunity

Not surprisingly, on my trend-searching Web site Newportmanners.com, I'm finding more and more stories from former lovers yearning to reignite a love affair. In an exhilarated quandary, they want to know how to go forward. In some cases, both are married, both are either separated or divorced, or one is still married and the other is not. Most are the latter.

Someone is wondering where you are?

Whether you're attached; what it would be like to reconnect; would it be appropriate to make contact? And all this resurgence in finding a former romance is escalating thanks to Facebook. Recognize a familiar name that suddenly appears on your home page under “People You May Know” because you have at least one Mutual Friend? What's even more interesting is, that person probably searched you out. S/he's browsed your home page hungry for clues as to whether or not to step out from the past and Friend you, then perhaps Poke you, or Chat you up. (Please, don't Poke!) What they also share in common is, the fact that this time they don't want to blunder.

How can you not be curious when you see that name you will never forget? When that familiar face sets off an urgent craving for reward “just like chocolate or winning at gambling.”

How to go forward in a dignified and full-grown fashion? What is the etiquette?

Sniffing on Facebook...

...they have already taken the first step like dogs meeting on a sidewalk. Nevertheless, once they're allowed—or, should I say, invited—into the sanctity of your Profile and Info, they learn the awful truth—that you are not single; and furthermore, that you have young children. Excuse me, sorry to have imposed. Nobody wants to be intrusive.

Neither do we want to be rejected because rejection doesn't just make us feel bad—it stings. New research confirms that the hardest emotional experience to deal with is the sting of being rejected. It might even be worse than the ooch! of physical pain, according to “Social Shares Somatosensory Representations With Physical Pain,” by Ethan F. Kross, Ph.D and his team of fellow social scientists; published recently in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Evidently, the same part of the brain that registers acute physical pain is also activated when one experiences intense social rejection.

Question: How to proceed?

Answer: Gently, with courage, clarity and discretion. Whatever you do, be mindful of what you put on Facebook—and all of your online activity—by restricting who can view your profile and pages.

There is a tried and true handshake etiquette that goes like this, a man waits for a woman to offer her hand before extending his.

Didi Lorillard researches such concerns on her Web site NewportManners.com, where she welcomes questions on all matters of manners and etiquette. Or you can also follow Didi on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn, after reading her previous GoLocalProv columns listed below.