Newport Manners & Etiquette: 36 Ways to Know Your Lover

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

Q. How do I know when I've found my soul mate? Having two twice divorced parents, I'm skittish about getting married. My boyfriend's parents aren't divorced, but he thinks they should be. Are there rules of courtship that help to determine whether two people are meant for each other? Allison, Brooklyn, NY

A. Are you looking for an acid test in the form or a series of mean and horrific tests to find out if a person is cool enough for you? Then you're looking in all the wrong places. That said, if there are 'fifty ways to leave your lover,' then there may be a way that you two can question each other in order to identify your compatibility and commitment levels. The New York Times recently published,"The 36 Questions That Lead to Love," after which you are encouraged to stare at each other for four minutes, although according to the comments, two minutes may be powerful enough.

The 36 Questions That Lead to Love

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling ..."

26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share ..."

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told? Why haven't you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most upsetting? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

A similar quiz recently appeared in a blog by Mandy Len Catron, which was originally created by psychologist Arthur Aron 20 years ago and has suddenly become a popular New York Times app (The New York Times, in consultation with Dr. Aron, has created this quiz, available at nytimes.com/36questions). Since it is all over the internet, I thought it would interest you and your boyfriend. ~Didi

Do you have a dilemma for Didi about love, family and life in general? Visit NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or location. Do explore some of Didi Lorillard's earlier columns listed below.

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Newport Manners & Etiquette: 36 Ways to Know Your Lover

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