Newport Manners & Etiquette: Blackballing + Ratting People Out
Wednesday, July 02, 2014
Ratting Out a Friend's Employee
The caregiver for our friends' small children is constantly on her cellphone and I don't know if I should tell them this story. While my four-year-old and I were visiting our friends' children I had to ask the caregiver nicely to cut it short during her fourth call. She told me to go into the other room and she would watch the children while she presumedly continued to use her cellphone. The point of our visit was to spend time with our friends' children while they were away. There was a level of behavior and hostility in the volume and tone of the caregiver's voice that made me suspect she was really high. Knowing how difficult it is to find good caregivers, would it be unkind to rat the bitch out? A.M., Brooklyn
Whenever the safety of a child is jeopardized, do what it takes to make your case. Telling your friend you suspected their caregiver was high is dicey. If she is on a medication, her bosses should know: they need to be tuned into possible erratic behavior. Be honest with your friends. Say, "Your caregiver was higher than a kite, is she on a mood-altering drug?" Ask if they keep track of their liquor supply and their own meds. Admit that you're being incredibly intrusive and that they might hate you for it, but in the end, it's all about the safety of the children. ~Didi
Blackballing
Two supposed friends accused me of blackballing a friend of theirs who was up for membership at our country club. This is a person whom nobody really likes, but because she has a very rich spouse, the couple have climbed their way up the social ladder and were posted for membership. Personally, I now wish I had blackballed them. But I'm totally innocent. As it turned out, they didn't get into the club, and I'm being blamed. How do I clear my name? J.W., Address withheld
It sounds as though the officers of your country club solved the problem for you. Watch that you don't protest too much, because it will only fuel the suspicions of your two friends. They will inevitably come to understand that there must have been more than one person who voted against the nominees up for admittance to your club. ~Didi
Funeral Receiving Line Protocol For In-Laws
My father-in-law of 29 years passed away. I have been with my husband since I was 16, married at 18. My in-laws have 6 children and 3 in-laws, including myself. The service was held at a church I attended with my husband for a number of years. My parents also attended there for 15 years. My question is this. There was a receiving line after the service and my sister-in-law said siblings only were to line up to receive condolences from the guests. I bowed out, but am extremely hurt to have been excluded. Am I right to feel this way, or am I being too sensitive? Name and address withheld
Please, don't take this personally. Boundaries and criteria are set as to how many and who stands in the receiving line. Starting with next of kin and blood relatives, it depends on how many survivors there are before in-laws are included. Mourners don't really like having to go through a long receiving line, so it is just as much about the comfort of the other mourners as it is about the survivors. This was not a personal slight, it is a matter of protocol. ~Didi
Do you have a Question for Didi? Visit her at NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book,"Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or address. Do explore Didi's earlier columns by typing Didi Lorillard in the upper righthand corner of this page. Or scroll way, way down below.
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