Newport Manners & Etiquette: Family Misunderstandings + More

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

Dos and don'ts for acing the job interview lunch, family manners matter, going Hawaiian in San Francisco, and even if you're disabled, you can wear sneakers to a wedding. All questions to Didi Lorillard this week at NewportManners.com.

Family party etiquette

My parents were born and raised in China, and immigrated to the US before I was born. I married a Chinese man, who was also born and raised here in the US. Last year was my daughter's first Chinese New Year, and we had a large celebratory dinner in our small apartment. In addition to both sets of parents and siblings, we invited my husband's brother's in-laws as well so that he would not have to choose whether to attend or not. This year is my husband's brother's daughter's first Chinese New Year, and although my husband and I have been invited, my parents have not. Space and money are not a factor. What is the proper etiquette? I am very offended that my parents were not invited. Do I go? Or is there a way I can decline? Penelope, Seattle

There would be no reason why your parents would have to be invited since they are not blood relatives of your husband's brother's daughter, except that you invited your sister-in-law's parents to your daughter's first New Year celebration. On the contrary, you should attend with your husband because he is a blood relative of the honoree and you would be insulting your husband's family, if you did not attend. Chalk this off as an oversight in etiquette on the part of the hosts. The hosts may have set criteria for a certain number and inviting non-blood relatives such as your parents did not fall into that criteria. Rise above the hosts' social faux pas. You will be a better person for not making a big fuss. This celebration is all about the first New Year for the child. It is not a cause to wage war on your husband's family, no matter how discourteous they may be. It would be up to your husband to quietly inquire as to whether the fact that your parents had not been invited was an oversight, and if so, gently ask if they could be invited. ~Didi

'Casual Hawaiian' dress code

I have been invited to the 50th birthday party of a very wealthy man in San Francisco. The party will be indoor/outdoor. The dress is said to be "casual" (Hawaiian theme, but we don't need to dress 'Hawaiian'). She said nice jeans are fine for both men & women? Time is 4-8pm. The weather is 69-70 degrees & partly cloudy. I was told to 'bring layers' in case it gets chilly. What would you suggest for both my boyfriend & I to wear???? Help! J.W., San Francisco

The dress code for the birthday party is more about the quality of the clothing than the dressiness of the outfit. Wear your favorite outfits. That combo that is not dressy, the outfits you save for a special day that express your individual styles. The contradiction here is the tropical Hawaiian shirt in a climate that is not tropical. Wear a beautiful blouse with a nice soft sweater and a short skirt or slacks, or a maxi cocktail dress with a thin wrap sweater. Your boyfriend would wear a collared shirt, jacket and favorite trousers and shoes. ~Didi

The job interview lunch test

Not having been brought up in the US, I am daunted by my upcoming lunch with the man who is interviewing me. This is the final phase of the interview stage. What are the dos and don'ts of the job interview lunch? G.R, Manhattan

Learn about the restaurant. Then about the place setting and use the utensil starting from the outside working in toward the plate. Watch your host, because he seats himself first and begins eating first. Mimic what to do when. Since he sits first, he motions to where you would sit. Cover your lap with your napkin.

Lift the food on your fork, or spoon, up to your mouth and never lean down to put your face closer into your plate. It goes without saying that you wouldn't rush through the meal and talk with food in your mouth. Never leave the table, because you will have used the restroom before the interview, and you do not want to rudely put your back to the interviewer and leave him unattended. Should there be an accident of spilled water, for instance, don't make an incident out of it. The upset should not be the interviewer's take-away from the meeting. Lay your napkin discreetly over the spill, spread it out neatly and leave it there. Swiftly brush crumbs into the palm of your hand and deposit them onto the bread plate. Crumbs aren't actually a distraction to anyone, but the person who makes them.

Always leave used utensils on the plate, even when you have not finished eating. Once you've used a utensil, it does not return to the tablecloth. How the interviewee interacts with the waitstaff has its own nuance: Be professional, by not being either rude or overly-friendly. In other words, you would not engage the server in chit-chat.

Absolutely, do not wave your utensils while talking or scrape them noisily against the china, because both are unpleasant, needless distractions.

Nor should the interviewee order a drink before the interviewer's arrival. If the interviewer orders a drink or wine with the meal, follow suit, but drink it slowly and just have one, even if you're the only one not having more than one. It is part of the test. If you don't drink, then simply say, "I don't drink."

The point is that an employer wants to know that a future employee can represent the company in every situation. Socially as well as professionally. The interviewer wants to be assured that their employees can be trusted to act civilly with clients. For instance, no touching, off-color humor, or political jokes, even if the interviewer makes the first move, because he may well be baiting the job candidate. Your employer will want to know that you can properly represent him in the event that he cannot make a business lunch, because you might have to stand in for him one day.

Leave your napkin to the left of the place setting loosely folded. Send a thank-you note either handwritten or an email within twenty-four hours. ~Didi

Wedding guest dress code

I am a disabled 53-year-old woman who will be attending a post-wedding dinner for my nephew. I have to wear tennis shoes to accommodate a leg brace. What can I wear to this dinner? J. Gregory, Location withheld

There are three ways you can go, look for a maxi dress or wide-leg soft slacks to wear with a special occasion jacket. For a special occasion jacket, see what I mean at maria-pucci.com. The last is the most fun. There are a lot of pretty racy spectacular sneakers out there called designer sneakers. Go to net-a-porter.com and click on 'sneakers.' Scroll down and look at these: Isabel Etoile Marant leopard-print sneakers; Jimmy Choo Demi flocked velvet slip-on sneakers; Jimmy Choo Tokyo studded suede high-top sneakers; Isabel Marant leather Etoile Bart sneakers; Adidas By Stella McCartney; Jimmy Choo Demi flocked sequined slip-on sneakers; Common Projects Metalic leather slip-on sneakers; Saint Laurent Leopard-print glossed-leather slip-on sneakers; Common Projects Original Achilles leather sneakers and Rag & Bone Kent waxed-suede sneakers (black). My point is this. If sneakers are going to be an ongoing part of your wardrobe, invest in one pair of dress-up sneakers that you can wear for special occasions. ~Didi

Do you have a Question for Didi? Visit her at NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book ,"Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or location. Do explore Didi Lorillard's earlier columns listed below.