Newport Manners & Etiquette: Politely Navigating the Holidays

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

Take the time to instill better table manners.

Gift giving employee-employer etiquette, table manners for tots, you can never thank people enough, and Christmas card etiquette, as well as wedding etiquette thank-yous, were all questions of interest to Didi Lorillard this week at NewportManners.com.

Bosses who give generously

Dear Didi,

I'm second in command at a small, successful company with ten employees, all of whom received year-end bonuses compensatory with their performance. In the past I've personally given small wrapped gifts to a couple of the other women coworkers as a token of appreciation. This year because I was on the road a lot and had to rely more on my coworkers, I'm giving everyone a small gift. My problem is that I don't know how to make it clear that I don't expect a gift in return. How can I get that across without sounding condescending? S.L., Culver City, CA

Dear S.L.

Management shouldn't accept and doesn't expect gifts from coworkers. Unless it is something such as finger food that can be shared in the office. A wrapped gift may make it appear as though the employee is trying to ingratiate himself with management. When you hand the coworker the gift, say something such as this, "You've probably had to watch my back and cover for me this past year while I've been on the road so much, and I just wanted you to know how appreciative I am. This is a small token of thanks." As you see, you are thanking the coworker for the gift of their time that they've already given you. It is you who are repaying them. ~Didi

Holiday table manners for tots

Dear Didi,

Every year my mother-in-law criticizes our preschoolers' tables manners as though I don't know any better. How do I head her off at the pass before she makes the same sarcastic wisecrack? "Where'd you learn to eat like that?" M.N., Cranston

Dear M.N.,

I'm all for saying what's on my mind, but holidays are the time to bite your tongue. Even when you're asked to critique something, be ubra gentle. Don't be too honest because emotions are raw. Holidays conjure up painful memories, be they pleasant ones of relationships salvaged or less pleasant ones of relationships destroyed. It's a time to put away petty grievences and be generous, gentle and nice. Prep your tots for the big day starting now. Role play at meals. Everybody sits down and puts their napkin in their lap to keep dropped food from falling on the floor or dirtying clothing. Teach by demonstrating. Stand behind the child with your hands covering theirs' and guide them through the cutting-up process. Finish it neatly for them. Sitting still is really the big issue and not leaving the table, which is why they need to be prompted to use the bathroom and not just to wash their hands, before sitting down. Once they're seated, they can't get up unless they're helping to clear the table.

There are simple curious questions that small children can engage in that will help them be part of the conversation. "What's your favorite (color, food, animal, dessert), granny?" Help them think up a few questions ahead of time to make the grandparents think, "Well aren't they civilized." ~Didi

When you're not sure you sent that thank-you note

Hi Didi,

It's come to my attention that one of my friends, Barb, has not received her thank-you card for the wedding invitations she made (which were her gift). I can't remember if it was sent or not, but I believe it was. I found this out from another friend who Barb contacted about the oversight. Whether Barb should have talked about this among other friends is not my issue. How do I handle this oversight, if it was forgotten, at this point? It's been 6 months since the wedding. Thank you, Cindy, location withheld

Dear Cindy,

Barb is feeling undervalued. Your mutual friends received their thank-you notes, but she thinks you've forgotten what she did for you. Go up the ladder and send her a small token of your appreciation. Maybe send her flowers on her birthday. Or at the very least a brief note that would go something like this: "I keep thinking about how generous you were with your time and resources to make our beautiful wedding invitations. Everyone raved about them. George (use your husband's first name) joins me in saying that we will never forget your great kindness. Alternatively, make Barb feel special by inviting her for lunch and thanking her again in person. You can never thank people enough. ~Didi

Sending Christmas cards from you and your deceased husband

Dear Didi,

My husband passed away four months ago. I am sending Christmas cards to family and friends. I would like to include my husband's name when I sign the card. How should I write it? Thank you, Manang, location withheld

Dear Manang,

Not to be blunt, but people who are deceased don't sign Christmas cards. I'm sorry for your loss, but Christmas cards are supposed to be merry and bright. Signing your husband's name could make them feel sorry for you. Your relatives and friends want to know that you're OK and dealing with your loss in a healthy way. Only sign your own name. ~Didi

Do you have a question for Didi? Email it to [email protected] or visit her at NewportManners.com. We can withhold your name and location. Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book,"Newport Etiquette." Previous weekly GoLocalProv.com columns can be found by typing in Didi Lorillard in the above lefthand search.

Newport Manners & Etiquette: Politely Navigating the Holidays

Bosses who give generously

Holiday table manners for tots

When you're not sure you sent that thank-you note

Sending Christmas cards from you and your deceased husband

Related Slideshow: 30 Ways To Give In Central Mass This Holiday Season

Related Articles

Enjoy this post? Share it with others.

Most Popular Articles

Sign Up for the Daily Eblast

Sign Up for the Daily Eblast