Newport Manners + Etiquette: Graduation Etiquette

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners + Etiquette Expert

May madness about graduation dress codes, gift giving, and grad party guidelines were the grand major themes this week at Didi Lorillard's Newport Manners.

Sweet but flirty white dresses

Is is appropriate to wear a white chiffon sleeveless, above-the-knee dress to a graduation ceremony at 9:30 in the morning? L.C., Barrington

Dear L.C.,

As long as the white chiffon sleeveless dress is not strapless, it should be fine. Sadly, with the increase of so much pornography in our culture girls' clothing has become more sexualized putting even more pressure on the parent-child relationship.

Chiffon is a luxury fabric, so if the dress looks too dressy, it can be dressed down with a white cotton sweater, cropped or regular length. She can wear tan or nude colored ballerina flats or pumps, which are a more practical purchase than white shoes. High heels would be too dressy. Very little jewelry. The length of the dress shouldn't be shorter than two inches above her knees.

We parents are often accused of being unfair when we come off as sounding antisexuality, but at a morning graduation we want the teachers, parents, and students to focus on our daughter's intelligence and not on how sexy she looks up on the stage. Graduation is an opportune time to make brave compromises on clothing and shoes, while making a statement about your family values. ~Didi

Graduation gift for my nephew

Dear Didi,

How much should I give my nephew for a college graduation gift? I am looking in the range of $250 or more. What are your thoughts? I am not wealthy but he is the apple of my eye, and my only nephew. I am debating between $250 and $300. T.G., Little Compton

Dear T.G.,

Whatever amount you give him, he'll surely appreciate your generous present. Both amounts are more than adequate. Give what's in your head, meaning give with your heart as much as with your pocketbook. ~Didi

Graduation gift to our cousin

Dear Didi,

My cousin is 'walking' in his graduation but as of now did not actually graduate. My mom who doesn't use the Internet asked me to find her an answer as to what to do? Gift or no gift? Card? I think he shouldn't get anything until he actually graduates. Thanks for any info you can provide. M.G. Seattle

Dear cousin of the grad,

There is nothing odd or humiliating about 'walking' in a graduation. There could be a valid reason why your cousin hasn't finished up. It can happen to the best student. Especially to those who have to work while attending school and cannot make the time to take as many classes as their peers --- who aren't working. One young woman I know of, who was on a track team, had to have a knee injury repaired over Thanksgiving break and couldn't finish the fall semester, which she made up after she 'walked' at graduation. If your cousin had been ill and wasn't able to attend classes, he would be allowed to make them up within a specific time period.

Have faith in your cousin and give him the gift you would give otherwise. When you take the high road in a situation such as this and support a relative or friend, you always come out a better person.

If the school/college didn't think he would eventually be graduating with his class, your cousin wouldn't be 'walking.' When the credits are completed, he will be mailed his diploma. I've known of students who were awarded summa cum laude and magna cum laude degrees, who 'walked' at their Harvard graduation and received their diplomas in the mail months later. It is not a big deal, and perhaps more common than you think for high school as well as college and graduate school.

Unless, your mother has been told that he won't be graduating in the near future, she should not withhold her graduation gift to your cousin. ~Didi

Graduation Party Guidelines

Dear Didi,

Parents are gunshy about wanting to host a graduation party and our son has been pushing to have one. His ideas are all over the place. Can you you give us some guidelines, please. Thanks. L.A., Narragansett

Dear L.A.,

Understandably, because boundaries at graduation parties have been broken, more and more parents are getting litigious. Kids have lost their lives or ended up in the hospital, which is why boundaries such as drinking and smoking pot cannot be broken. That's the first deal you make with your son.

Set the date as well as the starting and ending time, which is often the hardest part to agree on. Estimate the number of guests, including their dates. You have to allow for two guests for every one invitation. Make it clear that you have a budget, but let your son work out how he spends it: heavy on the food, short on decorations, paper invitations and stamps, paperless post, or an email evite, and entertainment? Would the plan entail renting a karaoke or a mechanical bull, or can your son ask one of his classmates to volunteer to DJ?

You need a checklist and a guest list. If it's heavy on the food, such as a cookout or BBQ on top of party food (chips, etc.), will you need to rent tables, chairs, and tablecloths from a party rental store? Will you need to rent a small tent and a port-o-john or can you get away with just clearing out the garage? Who does the cleanup? Know the kids. Should you ask your lawyer if you need to take measures to protect your liability? ~Didi

We like hearing from you at NewportManners.com and if we use your question, we're happy to post it anonymously. Didi researches contemporary etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Etiquette," and her monthly column for "Newport This Week." Or you can ask a question on Didi Lorillard's Facebook page or Twitter. Earlier weekly GoLocalProv columns are listed below and can also be accessed through search.

Editor's Note: This article was originally published on May 15, 2013.