Newport Manners & Etiquette: Handling Eye Rolling, Body-Shaming & Graduate Guidelines
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Q. My boyfriend has the annoying habit of looking upward and giving me the eye roll when he disagrees or doesn't like something I've said. When we're at dinner, after he's executed the eye rolling, he'll take up finger drumming and make a sarcastic comment. To signal me that he's impatient, he'll tap his fingers on the table when he's lost interest in what I'm saying or that he thinks I'm rattling on too long or that he totally disagrees with my opinion. I love him but when he behaves like this it feels like a relationship deal-breaker. How do I get my feelings about his bad behavior across to my boyfriend? HB, Atlanta, GA
A. Nothing is more corrosive to a relationship than the ongoing behavior you've described. Your boyfriend may not know he's annoying but if he does, he may not know how to control his despicable nonverbal behavior. They are bad social cues. The ability to control body language is one of the keys to social success.
- Eye rolling is the equivalent of the door slam, the shrug, the smirk and the sarcastic tone of voice that are all acts that show disrespect and arrogance.
Using a sarcastic tone of voice and eye whites to convey blatant social cues, like rolling your eyes behind someone's back or refusing to make eye contact, are unconscionable behaviors. They are simply ways to shame someone.
- Much like name calling, sarcasm expresses disgust. He shows signs of being a covert narcissist. Tell him that his body language and tone of voice is sometimes (or often) unacceptable because it makes you feel belittled.
- When he doesn't agree with you he should have the decency to say why outright instead of using the passive-aggressive eye roll. Stop him at the eye roll and call attention to how he's handling his negative -- or perhaps ambivalent -- feelings.
One of the traits of a well-mannered person is having the ability to refrain from using inconsiderate body language and sarcasm to show that you disagree. Tell him that. Not that it sounds as though it will do much good.
Q. Our eleven-year-old burst into tears last night and told us that boys at school made fun of her by calling her "whale tail." She's pleasantly plump, but she has a lovely disposition and is very bright and funny so has lots of girlfriends and a gay guy friend. Her brothers are also chubby, so they don't tease her. When we asked the boys if their chubbiness has been made fun of at school, they said they hadn't. Making a big deal of this will only call attention to the unfortunate name calling, and could lead to making "Whale Tail" a permanent nickname. What do you suggest? LL, Salem, MA
A. First of all, help your daughter to persevere when being bullied. The kids who are bullying her now are the same boys who will be bullying her next year and the year following that. You need to bully-proof your daughter by building up her resilience.
- Make sure nobody in the home is teasing anybody about being overweight, because if a child feels secure at home she will be more resilient to name calling outside the home. When kids consistently accept who they are, they are better equipped to handle the cruel bullying in the schoolyard.
- Encourage your daughter to try different activities to find one or two she can become engrossed in, such as a musical instrument, drawing, painting, singing, cooking, basketball, acting, until she finds her passion.
- Don't be the makeup mom who overpraises her child for achievement she doesn't deserve, because she'll see through you. It backfires.
- The compliment should match the accomplishment.
- When she's upset, teach her to calm down by being mindful of her reactions to having been teased. Have her draw a cartoon, do a jigsaw puzzle, practice yoga, make a healthy salad for the family, or read a book.
- Suggest that she be brave and talk directly to the person who teases her to tell him that he makes her feel badly when he calls her names, even if she needs an adult to facilitate the conversation.
At the end of the day, you don't want to support maladaptive thinking, because negative thoughts contribute to a child's low self-esteem and insecurities. You don't want her to dwell on the teasing.
As a parent you can't protect your daughter from being bullied on the school playground. Nevertheless, you can build up her resilience by giving her effective coping tools that will serve her into adulthood.
Being considerate of other people's feelings is good etiquette.
Guidelines for college students
Q. My students not only call me by my first name, but their emails are equally casual and disrespectful. Grammar, spelling and punctuation are sloppy. Furthermore, they don't address me by my surname, nor do they use my title. How do I encourage students to address me as Professor Brown or Dr. Brown, as opposed to using a greeting such as, "Hi there" or "Hey," in their emails, or no salutation or closing at all? Transitioning into the workplace or graduate school, they should learn to put more polish and protocol into all their emails. Dr. Brown, Providence
A. Dr. Brown, it may be too late to have an effect on this year's students. Don't be timid, you are not trying to make friends. Your job is to prepare students for the real world. At the start of the your next session set guidelines: "In my classes I command a certain amount of respect and the use of protocol. The same respect you will expect from younger people when you're my age.
You are to address me as Professor Brown or Doctor Brown in person, or Dr. Brown in emails. Your emails to me are to be as grammatically correct as would be expected in all written material.
Attach a memo of your etiquette requirements to every syllabus, as well as to your website. It should cover:
- Learn to use a greeting, either in person or in an email, address your professor formally by his or her title and last name.
- When your professor has a Phd., address him or her as Professor Brown or Dr. Brown.
- Use spellcheck and grammar check.
- Have an email address that isn't cutesy or sexy. You're not trying to impress someone on DateMySchool.com.
- Always use a closing along with your full name at the end of your email. We can't be expected to identify you by your email address alone: Kind regards, Elmer Fudd.
Q. Is it possible to ask our son's relatives and our close friends to send him money instead of a boxed graduation present? He needs money for college. He doesn't want some random article of clothing, bedding or towels. We're having a graduation party early in the evening with the older people and then he's going off with his friends. I know guests will feel that they have to bring a wrapped boxed gift: he won't pretend to act gushy about having to unwrap it in front of them. Cecily, Worcester, MA
A. It would be more polite to ask for gift cards and suggest stores he'll use. For instance gift cards for CVS, J.Crew, Bed Bath & Beyond could be utilized before he leaves home -- or at college.
- A Starbucks or a Subway can be found pretty readily in most college towns.
- The only problem with gift cards is that they can go missing, but so can checks.
- Placing a twenty dollar, fifty dollar, or hundred bill in a gift envelope with his name on it, would probably work best.
- Be honest with your family and friends. Just say, "Zack doesn't want stuff, he only wants cash."
Cash in a envelope is something a guest coming to your son's grad party can walk in with, hand to your son, and in return receive a firm handshake from the graduate. Tell your son that. Get the word out: Gift card or cash. Don't expect him to write a thank-you note, but spending a smidgeon of time with a gift giving guest can go a long way.
Didi Lorillard researches manners and etiquette at NewportManners.
Related Slideshow: 2017 Central MA Commencement Speakers
Earl Lewis, President of The Andrew W. Mellon Foundation.
Lewis is President of the Andrew W. Mellon Foundation, after serving for over eight years as Provost and Executive Vice President for Academic Affairs and as the Asa Griggs Candler Professor of History and African American Studies at Emory University.
He was the university's first African-American provost and the highest-ranking African-American administrator in the university's history.
Lewis became the sixth President of The Andrew W. Mellon Foundation in March 2013. Under his guidance, the Foundation has reaffirmed its commitment to the humanities, the arts, and higher education by emphasizing the importance of continuity and change
Clark's commencement ceremony will be held on Sunday, May 21 at noon
Valerie Montgomery Rice, MD, President, Morehouse School of Medicine
Rice is the sixth president of Morehouse School of Medicine (MSM) and the first woman to lead a free-standing medical institution.
During her career, Rice has served as dean of the School of Medicine and senior vice president of health affairs at Meharry Medical College. While there, she founded and directed the Center for Women’s Health Research.
Rice started her career in medicine in 1993 at the University of Kansas School of Medicine, Henry Ford Medical Center and Meharry Medical College.
The UMass Medical commencement ceremony is set for June 4 at noon time.
Joe Andruzzi, Former New England Patriots Player
Andruzzi played for the Patriots from 2000 to 2005 helping the team win three Super Bowl titles in the process.
Andruzzi was later diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's Burkitt lymphoma, leading his family to establish the Joe Andruzzi Foundation to provide support to cancer patients and their families.
The Foundation also funded pediatric brain cancer research.
In 2015, Andruzzi received the “Man of the Year” award from the Walter Camp Football Foundation.
Worcester State’s commencement ceremony is set for May 13 at 10 a.m. at the DCU Center.
Marty Allen, Former President of California Closets Co.
In 1991, Allen was named president of California Closets Co., a division of Williams-Sonoma. Over the next two years, he rebuilt the company from a $3 million loss to profitability and record sales.
In 1996, he was named CEO of Party America, which he led out of Chapter 11 bankruptcy in six months. Party America grew from just over 50 stores to 300 stores nationwide in 18 months—to become the second largest party chain in the country.
In 2006, Allen was the first person to be inducted into the Party Retailing Hall of Fame.
Allen graduated from Nichols College in 1975.
Nichols graduation is set for Saturday, May 6 at 5 p.m. at the DCU Center.
John L. Allen Jr., Editor of Crux, specializing in coverage of the Vatican and the Catholic Church
Crux has written nine books on the Vatican and Catholic affairs, and also is a popular speaker on Catholicism.
His books include “Opus Dei: An Objective Look Behind the Myths and Reality of the Most Controversial Force in the Catholic Church”, and two about Pope Benedict XVI.
Allen's articles have appeared in The Boston Globe, The New York Times, CNN, NPR, The Tablet, Jesus, Second Opinion, The Nation, the Miami Herald, Die Furche, and the Irish Examiner.
He is also senior Vatican analyst for CNN, and was a correspondent for the National Catholic Reporter for 16 years.
Assumption's commencement ceremony is set for Saturday, May 13 at 4 p.m.
Dr. James O'Connell, founding physician of the Boston Health Care for the Homeless Program (BHCHP)
Dr. O’Connell has dedicated his medical career to caring for Boston’s homeless with the founding of Boston Healthcare for the Homeless Program in 1985. Since its founding, BHCHP has helped over 12,000 homeless people a year in two hospital-based clinics and more than 60 shelters and outreach sites.
O’Connell served as the National Program Director of the Homeless Families Program of the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development from 1989–1996.
He published his first book, “Stories from the Shadows: Reflections of a Street Doctor” (BHCHP Press), in 2015.
Holy Cross' commencement ceremony is set for Friday, March 26 at 10:30 a.m.
Cliff Rucker, President, NFS Leasing & Owner, Worcester Railers Hockey Club
Rucker is the founding president of NFS Leasing, a multidisciplinary equipment leasing firm, as well as the founder of NEXL, a provider of IT service.
Most recently, Rucker has brought hockey back to Worcester as owner of the incoming Worcester Railers who are set to open their inaugural season in 2018.
Rucker is a trustee at The Pingree School, former Trustee of The Brookwood School and on the advisory board for Citizens for Adequate Housing and Kids Kicking Cancer.
Becker's commencement ceremony is set for Saturday, May 6 at 10 a.m.
Worcester Polytechnic Institute
Rodney Brooks, chairman, and CTO of Rethink Robotics
Rethink Robotics is a manufacturing company dedicated to making robotics more accessible, usable, and practical.
The company is also known for its collaborative robots Baxter and Sawyer, both of which were designed to make manufacturing processes more automatic, affordable, and safe.
Brooks also will receive an honorary doctor of science degree.
WPI's commencement ceremony will be held on Saturday, May 13.
Richard L. Connors, Associate Professor at Anna Maria
Since joining the faculty at Anna Maria in 1965, Connors has started many of Anna Maria’s programs both undergraduate and graduate, most recently creating a licensure track program which would allow students to meet the state requirements to apply for licensure as a mental health counselor in Massachusetts.
During his time at Anna Maria he has held the positions of dean of graduate and continuing education, director of the campus college counseling center, coordinator of the college exchange program, and chairperson of the graduate and undergraduate psychology department.
Connors received a Bachelor of Arts degree from St. Mary’s Seminary in Baltimore, a Master of Arts from Assumption College and a Certificate of Advanced Graduate studies from Assumption College.
Anna Maria's commencement ceremony is set for Saturday, May 20 at 10 a.m.
Dr. Gail Carberry, President of Quinsigamond Community College
Dr. Carberry is retiring at the end of the 2017 school year. She has been president of the school for the last 10 years.
Carberry started Quinsigamond in 2006. Prior to that, she worked for 30 years at Springfield Technical Community College.
She holds Certificate in Small Business Management from Springfield Technical Community College, a B.S. from Worcester State University and Master’s and Doctorate degrees from the University of Massachusetts at Amherst.
Quinsigamond's commencement is set for Thursday, May 18 at 4 p.m. at the DCU Center.
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