Newport Manners & Etiquette: Impossible Situations

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

Etiquette for doing the right thing when it comes to winning golf tournaments or political arguments, as well as the spinach conundrum of 'to tell or not?' Does my boyfriend have to wear a jacket to a wedding? All questions to Didi Lorillard this week at NewportManners.com.

Golf club blunders

At our annual golf club couples tournament, my good friends won the cup by one point. However, the cup was given to the runners-up because a member erroneously reported to the tournament committee that my friends had cheated. When the club president returned from vacation and discovered the travesty, he called and then wrote to my friends apologizing profusely for the unfortunate mistake. Even though he acknowledged that my friends rightfully deserved the cup, he couldn't take it back from the runners-up. Shouldn't the errant runners-up be good sports and give the cup to the real winners? P.H., Southampton, NY

This is a question of ethics. What do the club's tournament rules say about such disputes? In a perfect world, the cup should be graciously returned to the legitimate winning couple. Only then, will the good name of the golf club be reinstated. The Rules of Golf, perhaps unfortunately, does not indicate how to deal with such situations. In its concise pages, players don't cheat-though they may be tempted to bend its sacrosanct pronouncements. It is not a manual of human nature. Your friends should rise above the injustice. ~Didi

Politics as usual

I was asked to introduce my good friend A to my good friend B, because she wanted to meet a person highly regarded as a political pundit. My supposed friend A behaved like a bully throughout the lunch never letting anyone get a word in edgewise. Finally friend B interrupted friend A saying that they should listen to what I had to say. I felt enabled, when I should have been grateful. How do you handle a discussion so that the bully doesn't dominate the conversation? Allison, Boston

Next time you find yourself in a similar dilemma, say, "Please, let me have a word," or "Please, let me explain." If that doesn't work, stand up from the table as though you were about to excuse yourself to leave. Then say, "Please, let me talk or I'm leaving. ~Didi

To Tell or Not?

My wonderful, beautiful wife often has residue from salad stuck between her two front teeth. Or we'll arrive somewhere and her lipstick has somehow transferred from her lips to her top front teeth. Should I or should I not tell her? I love her the way she is and don't want to make her feel insecure by pointing out such minor flaws. N.A., Philadelphia

You have to make a joke out of the fact that everything that lands on her front teeth stays there. Tell her you don't want to embarrass her, and ask if she would like you to tell her next time. Chances are she will welcome a subtle hint. Have an expression you use in conversation, such as "the horse is out of the barn on that one," to suggest something is awry. Use body language to signal her by taking your straightened index finger and running it horizontally, left to right, along your upper lip to let her know there is something askew under that prettily painted lip. ~Didi

Jacket or Not?

I am the maid-of-honor in a wedding at the end of September in Newport, RI. The ceremony will be held at 10:30AM on a Sunday with a lunch reception to follow. My boyfriend will be attending, but does not have a suit or even a sports coat. He does own khakis, dress shoes, and a dress shirt with a tie. Can he get away with this or should he scramble for a jacket? Rachel S., Location withheld

Yes, your boyfriend ought to scramble to find a jacket. Out of respect for the bride on her wedding day, he should wear a jacket, a white-collared shirt, and handsome tie with his freshly pressed khakis and dress shoes. Tell him that if he is over ten-years-old, he must wear a jacket and tie to a wedding, even if he has to borrow a navy blue blazer from a friend, relative or coworker. ~Didi

Do you have a Question for Didi? Visit her at NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or location. Do explore Didi Lorillard's earlier columns listed below.