Newport Manners & Etiquette: Love Month Questions, Why Valentine’s Day? + Table Manners
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Wednesday, February 14, 2018
Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert
The Love month brought etiquette questions to
NewportManners about kissing, hand holding, and tell us, Didi, Why does Valentine's Day matter? We also love all those table manners questions.
I Wanna Hold Your Hand
Q. I love seeing other couples holding hands, but I feel self-conscious initiating it myself. My experience is that guys don't like being seen holding hands. When I've brushed my hand against my fiancé's to signal that I want him to take my hand, he doesn't respond. He's just not interested.
I've always been into holding hands. In the car, across the table in a restaurant, walking down the street, at a concert, or watching a movie in bed at night. When I take my fiancé's hand in mine he tolerates it for a few seconds and withdraws it too quickly. I'm worried my hands are clammy or maybe it makes him think I'm too needy. Which, by the way, I'm not. Name Withheld
A. Should your fiancé be one of those lucky kids whose parent took him by the hand and walked him to school every day from preschool through third grade, he may feel you're acting too parental -- too maternal.
If he can't handle your clammy hands, think about what else he can't handle?
Hand-holding capability doesn't have to be gauged by a relationship barometer. Holding hands while walking down your street might work for twenty seconds until he realizes it makes him self-conscious.
- Try holding hands when you're alone. Carry tissues and wipe your hands first. See how long you can gently hold his hand in a darkened movie theatre. Your fiancé will be less likely to feel paranoid when he knows nobody is watching.
- Should he pull away and say he really doesn't like holding hands, wouldn't that be a relief. Then you'd know for sure.
- Perhaps you may find he's happier putting his hand on your leg or putting his arm around you.
- Tease him about hand-holding being a portable hug.
- Many feel intimacy is in the elbow creases, so try linking arms.
- Work on finding a symbol of connectivity, your own private love language -- a sweet and small sign of intimacy -- a kiss on the hand, an arm hug,
The Power of Touch
- Our brain gives a disproportionate amount of attention to the fingers and hands, as compared to the rest of the body.
The Beatles celebrated love language singing these lines:
Yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I want to hold your hand
I want to hold your hand
I want to hold your hand
(John Lennon and Paul McCartney).
Why Valentine's Day Matters
Q. Why do we celebrate Valentine's Day? My boyfriend actually thinks it's just an excuse for having to take me out to dinner. He says because it is not a public holiday it is merely a trick, a commercial contrivance. Stephanie, Providence, RI
A. Whether you have a SO or choose to fly solo, Valentine's Day is a universal plea to embrace the love in your life. To open your heart and celebrate your closest relationships. As one of the largest commercial holidays, the tradition has been celebrated for centuries, although, your boyfriend is correct, it isn't a public holiday anywhere. However, it is a holiday globally without celebrating any religion.
- Saint Valentine became a martyr during the Roman Empire for marrying soldiers who were forbidden to marry. While in prison, after apparently healing his jailer's daughter, Bishop Valentine sent her a letter shortly before his execution, signed "Your Valentine," as a farewell.
In the 14th Century, the date of Saint Valentine's execution became a day when couples would declare their love for each other by giving sweet treats, flowers, love letters and cards to their sweetheart.
- In Chaucer's "Parliament of Foules", he wrote: "For this was on St Valentine's Day when every bird cometh to choose his mate." Leading a tradition of poets penning verses about Valentine's.
In fact, Stephanie, if your boyfriend is feeling strong-armed about taking you out to dinner, then it's up to you to give him a bit of sweetness in return. How about a box of chocolate covered espresso beans?
Kissing
Q. When I greet someone and they give me a smack on the cheek or a smooch on the lips I always wonder how that person knew what kind of kiss to give me. My partner doesn't enjoy kissing, so my kisses with him are those of affection more than passion. FS, Penobscot, ME
A. The many kinds of kisses are used in different types of relationships to express love, affection, peace, respect, friendship, romance and are described in many words.
- The French have twenty words and the Germans use over thirty words for a kiss.
- The physical act of kissing between two people consists of the combined sensitivity of touch, taste and smell.
There are a lot of reasons guys don't kiss. Someone at some point, perhaps when as a kid playing Spin the Bottle or Post Office, or when he was a pimply teen, told him he didn't know how to kiss. Or that his kisses were too wet or not wet enough. Maybe he was repelled because he was too rough. He may know, or think, that he has bad breath. Why ask me? It is you who should be so curious that you ask him, your boyfriend. Opening up to you about kissing may well loosen his lips.
However, keep in mind:
- Kissing is not universally accepted; there are parts of the world where it is taboo to kiss in public.
- In some cultures lip-kissing is still banned.
Business Lunch Table Manners
Q. When you're having a business lunch where do you put your knife and your fork when you're taking a break from eating while discussing business? Sometimes it seems awkward resting them on the plate, but I'm never sure whether I can put them back on the table, or what? Harry, Philadelphia
A. Especially during this flu season when we've all turned into germaphobes, table manners make special sense when it comes to safe gourmet hygiene. They say that tables where people eat are germ breeders, so when you return your fork and knife to the table, instead of leaving them on your plate, you're not only leaving your germs but food that turns to bacteria on the table. Just as you wouldn't blow your nose into your napkin and leave the napkin on the table.
- Once your fork and spoon touch food and your saliva, they don't return to the table. Leave the utensils you've contaminated on your plate or in the soup bowl.
Didi Lorillard researches manners and etiquette at NewportManners for her forthcoming book.
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