Newport Manners & Etiquette: Mending Relationships

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

Summer guidelines for family and friends and what to do when the MOG and step-mother are both wearing blue, along with office politics defining feminism. All questions to Didi Lorillard this week at Newport Manners.com.

Patching Up Friendships

An old friend of mine is arriving shortly for the summer. Before she left last fall, I found out she had disloyally talked about members of my family, in effect dissing me. I was hurt and disappointed, but our friendship goes back before husbands and kids; in fact, before last fall, I assumed she was my bff. Late last summer, while having lunch with friends one of them retold something personal about my child and his spouse that my bff had told her, even though I had told her in confidence. I was too shocked and embarrassed to say anything at the time. Now, I feel there is a bare patch in our friendship and I don't know how to mend it. Any idea? T.H., Nantucket, MA

Find a mellowed out time when you're walking your dogs or swimming in the ocean and tell her what you told me. "I feel there is a bare patch in our friendship and I don't know how to mend it." Then she'll ask what's wrong and you'll tell her. When you start in honesty on a positive, non-critical vibe saying you want to fix something and then explain what's broken, you're leading with strength. She was disloyal and you're trying to help her gain back your trust. ~Didi

MOG and step-mother both wearing blue

My new wife spent last weekend finding the perfect dress to wear to my son's wedding. I just found out that my ex-wife, the mother of my son the groom is also wearing a blue dress. If I tell my new wife, she'll freak out. But if I tell my ex-wife, she'll freak out. They are both redheads so they're kind of going to look alike. My ex-wife and I don't speak. It has been horrendous enough hosting our son's rehearsal dinner and I can't get into this thing about the dresses. What should I do? My son and his fiancée know about this, but don't want anything to do with his mother, and the MOB is deceased. What do I do if my wife finds out I knew, and didn't tell her? E.S., LA

The mother-of-the-bride sets the dress code for all "the mothers." Including step-mothers, aunts, grandmothers, and godmothers. Ordinarily, the MOB would have called your former wife to say, "I'm checking in to make sure we're not wearing exactly the same dress to our children's wedding. Can you tell me about your dress or let me tell you about mine?" All you need to find out is the designer of the dress. "The mothers" traditionally wear either blue or beige. It would not be unusual for both of your wives to wear blue dresses to your son's wedding, and it is highly unlikely that they would choose the exact same dress. Be honest with your wife, tell her your discovery, as soon as possible, so she has ample time to decide for herself whether to exchange her dress. ~Didi

Setting guidelines for family guests

As much as we love our kids and their progeny, it takes us two weeks to get the house back in order after a long weekend with them. We've hinted, for instance, about not leaving wet diapers in wastebaskets or even on the floor, and wet towels unhung. Suggesting instead that towels and bed linens should be deposited in the laundry before they leave. But it is singing to deaf ears. The scattered toys and baby paraphernalia are one thing, but there is a feeling of having had our house trashed that we don't wish to experience again. R.J., Palo Alto, CA

It's called rote learning. You have to drill it in over and over again. Take your son/daughter aside and ask, "When you stay at your in-laws', what's the drill on housekeeping and being a good guest?" The response may be, "Oh, they're so happy to see us that there are no rules." Then say, "Well, in our house there are tidiness rules that help with the housekeeping". ~Didi

Who is a feminist?

We're having a debate in our office about what defines a woman as a feminist? We know it is more than using Ms. instead of Mrs. or Miss, but we thought you would have a quick answer. C.S., Providence

What constitutes a woman being a feminist is the same as what constitutes a man being a feminist. Whether you're a woman or a man, if you think women should NOT make only 77 cents for every dollar a man makes, you're a feminist. ~Didi

Do you have a question for Didi? Visit her at NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Etiquette." If your question is used, we can withhold your name and/or address. Do explore Didi's earlier columns by typing Didi Lorillard in the upper right hand corner of this page.

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