Newport Manners & Etiquette: New Year’s Eve Dilemmas
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Hanky-panky
Q. At my best friend's annual Christmas party where the same couples come together each year, there was a scandal. Outside on the deck two spouses -- not married to each other -- kissed in a long embrace for 10-15 minutes. Our good friend did not see her husband kissing another woman. Our dilemma is this. Do we tell our friend that we saw her husband kissing some else? Next year the same group will be invited again, plus both couples may be at the same party on New Year's Eve. MJ, Jamestown, RI
A. Flirting is one thing. Although, even flirting can cross into a grey area that can grow dark.
Most people don't seem to be aware of the fact that many couples are able to rekindle their relationship, bounce back to normal and become stronger than ever after an indiscretion. This doesn't mean I'm advocating affairs. I'm just not sure you should overreact, because most couples are able to survive an infidelity because at the end of the day, they really want to stay together. There are studies that show that 25% of married men and 11% of married women have at one time or another been unfaithful to their spouse.
The fact that two people married to different people kissed romantically does'n't mean that their marriages are bad. Desire isn't necessarily love. Their chemistry at this year's Christmas party may not be the same next year or even this New Year's. We never really know what goes on in other people's marriages, and quite frankly it is none of our business.
When couples come together at alcohol-infused late night parties, after a couple of drinks desire sometimes cannot be controlled. Does it mean that your friend's husband doesn't love your friend? No. ~Didi
No hostess gift for New Year's Eve
Q. Do we bring a gift to a potluck/BYO New Year's Eve Party? It is a potluck dinner and as instructed, I'm bringing a lobster mac-and-cheese casserole and my husband, two bottles of Prosecco. But do we still need to bring a hostess gift? Anonymous, Narragansett, RI
A. No, you do not have to take a token hostess gift. Your host has asked you for what she wants from you and that is what she is expecting. However, in order to sustain the relationship and be invited back again, you would send a thank-you note, if the invitation was delivered by mail; a thank-you email, if it was an evite; a thank-you text, if the invite was texted. ~Didi
No shoes invitation
A. It is entirely possible that your hosts recently had their floors redone or installed. The spikes of stiletto heels can wreak havoc on soft wood floors and/or newly finished floors. In a small fashionable tote bag or shopping bag, slide in a pair of your favorite ballerina-style flats that go well with your new dress and you're good to go. That way you can leave your stilettos at the door and slip into something more comfortable. ~Didi
Bringing a date on New Year's
Q. I know I've been invited to a New Year's party because I am fairly recently divorced, but can I bring someone I met last week who I really want to spend New Year's with? I know some of my friends will be there and I'm sure she'll fit in but I sense that if I ask, the hostess will say, No. On the other hand, if I just bring her along as my date, is that alright? RD, Staten Island, NY
A. You are not in high school any longer. It is up to the hostess. Text your host and ask if you can bring Alice, or whatever her name is. Chances are she has a generous spirit and will include someone she doesn't know. My question is this. If the party starts with a seated dinner, will there be enough room for both you and Alice at the table? It would be presumptuous for a guest to bring another guest without asking the host ahead of time. ~Didi
Didi Lorillard researches all matters of manners and etiquette at NewportManners. The best questions and answers appear here each week.
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