Newport Manners + Etiquette: Office Catfights + More

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

It's hard to compartmentalize when your best friend is also your coworker–and is getting on your last nerve.

Is summer heating up your office manners, how to rekindle a friendship, and please, don't fight over your father's ashes. Wedding Etiquette and the engagement party no-no. All questions at Didi Lorillard's Newport Manners this week.

Brokering a rapprochement

Dear Didi

How do you apologize to an estranged suitor after years of bickering and cold shoulder? B.S., Watch Hill

Dear B.S.,

Some of us soften, mellow and become more flexible over time, while others of us harden into a bitter rigidity and become more prickly. After years of bickering and giving the cold shoulder is it possible that you've forgotten what alienated you? Or that what made you antagonistic toward him doesn't seem important now?

What you're looking for is a rapprochement. You don't necessarily have to apologize. A signal that you have moved on and no longer bear a grudge is sufficient. Warm up to him slowly. Next time you bump into him, gently chat him up. Start by asking about his parents, siblings, or friends you had/have in common. Then in parting send "kind regards to your brother" or "my best to your sister" (or whomever).

Your previously estranged suitor will feel your chumminess but you won't be leading him on. If it went well, end the chat saying, "It was fun running into you." Or, "It was fun catching-up." Keep it light. There is no need to over-apologize or over-explain unless you're looking for more than a rapprochement. The next time you see him, you could even give him a hug or peck on the cheek. ~Didi

Office cat fights

Dear Didi,

My coworker/best friend and I got into a screaming fight at the office yesterday during a meeting. My staff witnessed it and so did one of my bosses. My friend is having trouble holding on to her job and I've been secretly helping her. She acted inappropriately at the meeting and I had to call her on it. A horrible fight ensued. After I got home from work she texted me to apologize and said we should put it in the past.

As much as I love her, I don't know how much longer this charade can go on. I give her ideas, she runs with them, gets the credit (which is O.K.). She has great follow through but doesn't have creative ideas nor is she a problem solver. I feel badly about the fight and am embarrassed by my reaction. Please, help because it can't happen again. C.C., Providence

Dear C.C.,

You're darn right it shouldn't happen again and you're not going to let it. Take her aside and look her in the eye to say something such as this, "Let's agree that it's O.K. to disagree. Let's not let anything like this ever happen again. If we feel a fight escalating, let's agree here and now that we'll take it outside and air our differences privately. We should never fight in front of our coworkers again, because it is not professional."

That said, you're going to have to hold to your promise. Next time you feel heat rising, put your finger to your lips to give her the silence signal and suggest a time and place to meet after the meeting. ~Didi

Sharing the ashes

Hi Didi,

My father passed a few months ago. My stepmother and brother decided they did not want to keep his ashes so I said that I wanted to keep them; everyone agreed that I should have them. I paid for the urn and his remains were put in it and given to my brother. He promised to deliver them to me in a week or two (I live 6 hours away). Well, my brother has been acting very "busy" and has been leading me to believe he would bring them and always had an excuse not to. My grandmother passed last week and since I would be in town for the funeral, I told my brother that I would be picking up the ashes after my grandma's services. He agreed. Then the next day he said that my stepmother didn't want to give them to me anymore. My brother somehow allowed her to get possession of the remains—and I paid for the urn. It is quite beautiful and now she wants to keep it—what should I do? T.M., Cleveland

Dear T.M.,

In hindsight, your father should have left instructions as to the disposition of his ashes. Apparently, he didn't and you assumed their care. The executor of your father's estate can decide their dispersal. He/she could be your father's lawyer or even your brother.

Gently ask whoever has taken over the responsibility of your father's estate if you could, please, have your urn back with half of the ashes. Politely suggest that your stepmother finds her own urn and your brother divides the ashes between your urn and your stepmother's. Don't be stalled if she doesn't have an urn because the ashes can be temporarily stored in a small box until she finds one.

Offering a compromise is a common way to solve this problem, so you are not asking anything out of the ordinary. In large families sometimes everyone who wants ashes gets some portion of them. Occasionally ashes are incorporated into jewelry such as pendants and rings, so dividing your father's ashes between you and your stepmother would be the civilized way to solve your problem. It is all about how you and the executor work out sharing your father's ashes with your stepmother. You can do this. ~Didi

Engagement party no-no

Dear Didi,

We're hosting an engagement party for my daughter and her fiancé, who are getting married in December. Since we're having the wedding reception at our house, we've had to restrict the guest list to close friends and family. I find this very difficult because I would like my friends who don't know my daughter to meet her and her fiancé. Would it be alright to invite friends to the engagement party who aren't being invited to the wedding just so they can meet them? A.G., Milton, MA

Dear A.G.,

We would love nothing better than to show off our soon-to-be-married daughter and her beloved, but unless you're inviting those friends to the wedding, it is the biggest no-no. Why? Because the invitation list for the engagement party is the core list for the wedding. Before the save-the-date card, the engagement party invitation list was considered the core list. When the engagement party invitation arrives in the mail, your friends will assume that the wedding invitation will appear in good time.

Now for the hard part when you'll have to explain the disappointing caveat to each and every person invited to the engagement party but not the wedding—that that's it. There will be no wedding invitation forthcoming. If engagement party guests have sent a wedding present before you've clued them that the engagement party is the booby prize, they may very well feel slighted.

The gentlest way to handle this is to have a party to introduce the newly weds after they've returned from their wedding trip. ~Didi

We like hearing from you at NewportManners.com and if we use your question, we're happy to post it anonymously. Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Etiquette," or you can ask a question on Didi Lorillard's Facebook page or Twitter. Earlier weekly GoLocalProv columns are listed below and can also be accessed through a search.

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