Newport Manners + Étiquette: Overcoming Mean Girls at Work

Étiquette questions to Didi Lorillard about summer evening white pantsuit dress code for business events, changing your name wedding étiquette when you remarry, whether to send a mass card, and how to fit in at a new job, were all topics of interest this week at NewportManners.com.

 

Dear Didi,

 

I work in the client services department of a company, but I am not a client services representative, I am an admin person. I work with five other girls in this department and they think I am inferior to them and totally ignore me. They don't include me in their conversation etc, ...like I don't exist. And some other people in the company do that too.

Dear A.S.,

 

Firstly, you should consider whether or not this job is a good fit for you. You might be more comfortable in a different workplace. You might also consider that, for whatever reasons, you may be replacing someone who was dearly loved by her coworkers and they miss her. But since the job market is tight, let's assume you want to keep this job and assimilate.  

Dear Didi,

 

My ex-brother-in-law died and I am engaged to be married to a new partner. My children, who are all adults, do not want me to attend with my new partner as they say it will upset their mother. My new partner would like to go as she hasdmet my ex-brother-in-law and his wife. My 2 sons and daughter have threatened never to see me again if I go with my new partner. Although I had a good relationship with my ex-brother-in-law, I feel staying away is the best solution. What do you think. L.S.

 

Dear L.S.,

 

I think you should listen to what your family and former family are trying to tell you. If you attend, don't bring your fiancée. His funeral is not about socializing. Relatives of your former brother-in-law are in deep mourning and you don't want to trivialize their emotions by disregarding their requests. This is not the time for your fiancée to schmooze with your former family. A happier occasion, such as a wedding, bridal shower or birthday party, would be a more appropriate setting in which she could get to know your children and former family. This is not that window of opportunity. It would be in bad taste to show up, at this point in time, with your fiancée when you know she wouldn't be welcomed. ~Didi

Dear Didi,

I am a divorcée marrying a widower. When I divorced I legally changed my name back to my maiden name. My fiancé has a 23-year-old daughter who is not pleased about her dad remarrying. Her mother died tragically and suddenly five years ago. I have decided not to take my fiancé's name when we marry, as his daughter is used to having her mother addressed as Mrs. Atwood, and I do not want to compound her misery. However, I want people to know and recognize that I am married. What form of address could accomplish this? Could I use Mrs. with my first name and maiden name? Or should I use Ms. with my maiden name but sign formal things as Mrs. groom's first name, groom's last name?  What is the étiquette when marrying a widower in terms of the second wife's title and form of address?  S.G.

Dear S.G.,

Be yourself. Be who you are. If you want to call yourself Mrs. John Jacob Atwood, then do so. Forget the daughter. She will move on. It is more awkward having you kowtow to her. You can be kind to her in other ways. You'll soon be married to her father and she's got to deal with that fact for the rest of her life, so don't pussy foot around the issue. You are marrying her father. She will get used to the idea when she discovers how truly wonderful you are.  ~Didi