Newport Manners + Étiquette: Relationship Étiquette

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

Her son's estranged father is on his deathbed...should her new beau be concerned?

Dog days of summer bring sultry questions about relationships between former in-laws, workout buddies, new lovers, and longtime marrieds. Engagement parties are back in full swing and are the new trend in wedding étiquette? All topics into Didi Lorillard at NewportManners.com this week.

Updating husband's wardrobe

Dear Didi,

My husband and I own a business. My husband seems to think it is ok to wear work shirts with the old, failed business' name on it. The old business failed and no longer exists. We now run the business under a new name. Should he be wearing the previous business shirts, which have the old name on them?

Sometimes he wears business shirts from a previous position he held at another company he worked at while he is running his new business (which is not the same business name). What do you think??? C.D., Attleboro, MA

Dear C.D.,

Slowly, over time make the shirts you don't like disappear. The key is to gently replace the shirts you don't like with new shirts before the old ones start to mysteriously disappear. One at a time. Then he'll be less likely to miss them. He may like the feel of the old shirts on his body, so you may need to launder the new ones many times before they feel comfortable to him. Use lots of softener. If he likes a certain color and style, then buy shirts that resemble the old shirts he favors.

You have to look at him in the old shirts and if this annoys you, then make them fade away. As long as you replace the missing shirts with ones he'll like, he probably won't make a fuss. If he asks why he can't find them, tell him it was time to "update his wardrobe." When they're gone they're gone. I understand, because my husband collects baseball caps with logos. ~Didi

Engagement party étiquette

Dear Didi,

I work out with a friend and she has invited my husband and me to an engagement party for her son. I have never met her husband or the bride and groom, so I certainly do not expect to be invited to the wedding. Should I bring a gift to the engagement party? Thanks! Name and location withheld

Dear Anonymous,

Look up the son's wedding website and send a small present from the wedding couple's bridal registry. If you can't find it, ask around at the engagement party. His mom will know where they're registered. I'm not a fan of bringing a gift to an engagement party or wedding because too many times cards go astray and you don't know who gave what. For a shower it is OK, because the maid-of-honor usually records the gifts, often as the ribbons are woven into a hat or bouquet.

Traditionally, everyone invited to the engagement party–as a matter of course–is also invited to the wedding. It is more than likely that you will receive a wedding invitation. The engagement party invitation list is the core list for the wedding. In fact, it would be cheeky of them not to invite you. ~Didi

What to call your former mother-in-law

Dear Didi,

How should I sign my "name" for my ex-daughter-in-law? She always called me "Mom." A.C., Little Compton

Dear A.C.,

When signing your name on anything to your former daughter-in-law use your first name. Gradually, she will transition from calling you "mom" to calling you Alice (or whatever your name is). In using your first name you are giving her permission to call you by your forename or nickname. ~Didi

Boyfriend's girlfriend's former lover dies

Dear Didi,

My girlfriend's ex-boyfriend died recently. They had been separated for a couple of years. They had a child together who is now 3. The man had not been in his son's life almost the entire time we have been together. He has offered almost no financial nor fatherly support for his kid. He's probably seen him 4 times in a year. My girlfriend never had anything good to say about him. He cheated on her twice and and was a habitual liar. But when he was in the hospital, dying and unresponsive, she would go to see him w/o their son and was one of four people at his bedside when they took off life support. I didn't agree with this and didn't understand why she needed to be there if she didn't have the child with her. In his obituary she is the second person mentioned as a survivor, before his parents and any other family members. I did not like this and felt disrespected since I am the one she has been with for a year. We've lived together for 9 months in my house, and I am the father figure in her son's life. Should I feel this way? G.P., Providence

Dear G.P.,

This is a one-time situation. The boy's father is dead. The only father he cares about is you. You have nothing to fear from your girlfriend's former boyfriend because she has committed herself to living with you and raising her son with you.

Emotions run deep when someone is dying. The guy may have been a loser, but you've got to respect her for forgiving him. Your girlfriend is in mourning for her son's father. In my opinion, women are especially emotional in times of death because as natural nurturers they are more empathetic. Actually, I think it takes a lot of character for someone to forgive a former boyfriend and stay with him while he's dying. Cut your girlfriend some slack. Talk to her about him. Try to understand what his good traits were and look for those in her son.

The reason she didn't take the child to see his father when he was dying is because death is not a pretty sight. Why would a mother subject her three-year-old to that? Help her move past this by talking about the former boyfriend, their situation, and how grateful you are that she is with you. ~Didi

We like hearing from you at NewportManners.com and if we use your question, we can withhold your name and address. Didi researches étiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Étiquette." Or ask it on Didi Lorillard's Facebook page or Twitter. Prior weekly GoLocalProv columns are listed below and more topics can be accessed through a search.