Newport Manners + Etiquette: Sorority Formals + More
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
It's sorority formal season, and that means questions about how to dress just right. Didi Lorillard has the answers.
"No" to flip-flops at 75th anniversary
Dear Didi,
How do we word an invitation to tell family and friends we want them to dress up for our 75th wedding anniversary, so the younger people don't show up in shorts and flip-flops? Harold & Charlotte, Mystic, CT
Dear Harold and Charlotte,
There are a couple of dress codes you can include on the invitation. As I don't know the formality, except that it is not Black Tie, of your lovely 75th wedding anniversaries, you can choose what to use.
Jackets
Jacket & Ties
Suits & Dresses
Business Attire
When you mention 'Tie' and/or 'Jacket' or the dress code 'Business Attire,' you are making it clear that you expect the men to wear trousers, collared shirts, and jackets while the women should wear dresses. Good for you for requiring them to dress respectfully!
Centered on the card with your own information, the invitation would go something like this:
Charlotte and Harold Wilson
cordially invite you to attend their
Seventy-Fifth Anniversary
for dinner and dancing
Saturday, May 28th
7:00 PM until 10:00 PM
At home
RSVP ............
Jackets & Ties
Another thing you can do to get your dress code across is to have a drawing or a photo on the invitation with two people dancing in the kind of clothes you see fit. Better yet, have a photo of the two of you on your wedding day. ~Didi
Mother-of-the-bride's Jewish wedding
Dear Didi,
I am the mother of the bride at a formal Jewish wedding to be held in early May at 11 AM on Long Island, N.Y. at a country club, followed by a formal reception. I would like to confirm my present selection regarding the type, color and length of dress that I should wear. I am 55 and in good shape and normally wear a size 10. I am 5 ft 2 inches. Thank you for your response. W.W., Syosset, NY
Dear W.W.,
An eleven o'clock wedding isn't formal. It is more about the quality of the clothing than the dressiness of the outfit. You certainly don't want to be traipsing around in a long dress all day. Wear a well-made knee-length skirt-suit with beautiful shoes and carry a small clutch bag. The skirt-suit should be tailored to accentuate your curves. Even if the bride and groom are in formal attire, it doesn't mean you have to wear an evening gown to a morning wedding. ~Didi
Relative of the deceased behaving badly on Facebook
Dear Didi,
My elderly uncle passed away yesterday. His grown daughter (my cousin) wrote hateful things about my grieving aunt and deceased uncle. There may have been abuse 50 years ago from her parents which she publicly posted on Facebook hours after her father's passing. I understand she is grieving but the public airing and hateful things she said from things 50 years ago makes me not want to deal with her at the funeral. The things she said are not how I know my aunt and uncle to be and I consider them to be like grandparents. Do I have to say anything beyond I'm sorry for your loss? Is it okay to avoid her at the funeral? She's a drama queen and I have a feeling she is going to start a fight with my elderly aunt and her sister. What do we do if she starts making accusations at the funeral? H.K., Newton, MA
Dear H.K.,
Why bother to go? It sounds way too stressful and your uncle isn't going to know that you didn't attend. You can find another way to honor him. Plant a tree in his name. Give a scholarship in your uncle's name. Buy a park bench in his name. You don't need this kind of grief on top of losing your beloved uncle.
You are not obligated to talk to your cousin or write to her. It is never good to be hypocritical.
If you feel you must attend the funeral, then keep your head down and try not to make eye-contact. Since you are family you can arrive forty minutes early and talk to the priest about the problem with the deceased and his daughter. This funeral is all about the deceased, it is not an opportunity for your cousin to showboat. The priest should be warned that the deceased's daughter is apt to act out and he needs to be prepared to step in to keep the peace.
We never really know what goes on in other people's relationships, so step kindly and gently or don't go to the funeral. ~Didi
Sorority sister's formal dress code
Dear Didi,
My daughter is going to a sorority, evening, formal this month on a yacht. She wants to wear a light sky blue flowy gown. Will that color be a good choice? She is 5', with brown hair. Wanda, Providence
Dear Wanda,
The wonderful thing about youth is that they can wear any shade of blue any time of year. A sky blue flowy gown is particularly beautiful.
Depending on where your daughter goes to college, you and she might benefit from taking a look at the website Rent the Runway to see what young women are wearing to such fetes. There is a college section, but I like the one on bridal showers for a sorority formal. A freshman would dress more conservatively than a senior, who would feel they had earned the right to show more skin. Without knowing anything about your daughter, my best advice is that she should wear a dress that is cute and short but not slutty. With a black cocktail dress you can't go wrong, especially if she adds bright colored heels -- yellow or blue. However, you would only wear colorful shoes with black.
I don't know if this link will work, but I thought the dress shown was perfect for a sorority formal -- a good example of a black cocktail dress spiced up, but still conservative enough not to raise the eyebrows of senior girls.
~Didi
We like hearing from you at NewportManners.com and if we use your question, we're happy to post it anonymously. Your important queries help other readers make better choices. Didi researches contemporary etiquette and all matters of manners. Or you can ask them on Didi Lorillard's Facebook page or Twitter. Earlier GoLocalProv columns are listed below or can be accessed through search.
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