Newport Manners & Etiquette: Valentine’s Alert + Engagement Etiquette + More
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Wednesday, February 01, 2017
Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert
Is how you celebrate Valentine's Day a metaphor for your relationship? Can you be engaged to be married without setting the date? How to handle a brain-picker and how to talk to your kid were the best questions to Didi Lorillard at
NewportManners this week.
Valentine's engagement
Q. I am the mother-of-the-groom-to-be (once the engagement is announced) and I am writing to ask about engagement etiquette. The future bride and her mother want to announce the engagement in the "They're Engaged" section of a local magazine. My problem is that the date of the wedding hasn't been set yet. The bride-to-be chose the ring and my son plans to formally ask her to marry him over dinner on Valentine's Day. In the engagement announcements I've seen in the magazine a precise wedding date is identified for every couple. Shouldn't my son and his future wife follow protocol and set the date before announcing their engagement? Meddling MOG, Beverly Farms, MA
A. Your concern is valid about the breezy interpretation of engagement etiquette. There are affianced couples who don't have a ring to signify their commitment, and betrothed couples that have not named a wedding date. There are married couples who don't wear wedding bands.
In fact, there are no protocol rules of engagement carved in stone that dictate the presence of an engagement ring or the requirement of setting a wedding date in order to be properly engaged.
An engagement is an agreement between two people that is a promise to wed. Traditionally, the commitment is symbolized by the wearing of a ring to announce that the woman is no longer procurable. We humans thrive on our rituals that bequeath security, consistency, and responsibility. Perhaps, the wedding couple haven't figured out how to afford a wedding and need their families to come through with ideas and offer suggestions.
Valentine blahs
Q. Every Valentine's Day is the same: Should we bother to observe it? Should we celebrate by going out to dinner? A movie and take-home Chinese? We procrastinate until the last moment when our favorite restaurants are booked solid. Nobody wants to take a chance on Valentine's Day for a bad experience by going to a new, expensive restaurant, which is exactly what happened last year. It is as if we sabotaged Valentine's Day by accident but really on purpose, by not planning ahead. AJ, Seattle
A. Can you do something entirely different that will take you out of your rut? Or can you alternate the responsibility of planning Valentine's Day and start by taking charge this year and making a reservation now, today? Don't make a romantic holiday a metaphor for your relationship. Can you try cooking a delicious dinner together paired with your favorite wines?
Brain-picking
Q. Don't chat me up to pick my brain. If you want my advice on your funding project, pay me for my advice. When a line is crossed between friendship and brain-picking how do I suggest that I need to be compensated, even by my existing clients? In particular, a former grad school classmate, who is not a client and a new client, who thinks I should be at his beck and call. Billable consulting services are available, you can't consult me for free! How to ask for a monetary reward when someone picks your brain? AB, NYC
A. Take charge by setting up a time to talk on the phone or to get together for a meeting. Make it clear that weekdays are for clients and weeknights and your weekends are for friends. If you don't want to suggest weekends or evenings, propose a Friday afternoon when most people are generally the least busy.
Should the person want to talk sooner or at a more convenient time for them, let him or her know they will have to pay for your time. When you're caught totally off-guard, offer the person a twenty minute phone conversation. A phone chat is invariably more amenable to being kept short. When scheduled for a brain-picking session do a bit of homework so you can share a few ideas. Make the phone appointment for "brain thinking time."
Help the person understand not to expect too much expertise unless they pay for it.
What's up, son?
Q. Our time with our son is too short and making conversation at breakfast, on the way to the bus stop, or at the end of the day is hard to get going. We don't know what's on his mind other than games on his Xbox. Talking with our son usually seems forced, but we're determined to encourage civilized conversations. What do you ask after "How was your day?" CB, Los Angeles
A. At breakfast or on the way to the bus stop, ask, "What are you going to do that is awesome today?" Then at supper, ask, "What was your favorite part of your day?" Or, "What did you do that was fun today?"
Didi Lorillard researches manners and etiquette at NewportManners.
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