Turtleboy: Lowell Passing Worcester For Snowiest City In USA Is A Gigantic Lie

Friday, February 20, 2015

Turtleboy

Ever since February 9 Worcester held the title for America’s snowiest city. It was brought to my attention today that apparently this changed as Lowell passed us last night and is all of a sudden 1/10 of an inch ahead of us. As it currently stands Lowell sits at 103.9 inches, while Worcester is at 103.8. I’m not saying that this is complete BS, but this is definitely a filthy lie for several reasons.

First of all, Lowell can call themselves a city, but they’re really not a city. They have no business even qualifying for this list. Lowell is nothing more than an overgrown Fitchburg. They’re famous for one main reason – really boring middle school field trips to the mills. That’s it. Now it’s nothing but a has-been, wannabe city with abandoned factories and people who wear pajamas to Market Basket.

Secondly, they were nowhere on my radar on February 9th, the last time we wrote about this. That morning Worcester was ranked third with 77.7 inches, behind Erie and Buffalo. In fourth was Syracuse at 66.4 inches. Lowell wasn’t even on the radar, but anyone who can subtract can figure out that they were at least 12 inches below us a little over a week ago. Since then we’ve gotten 26 inches of snow.

Are you honestly trying to tell me that they’ve gotten over 38 inches in the same amount of time that we’ve gotten 26? Get out of my face with that jive. Biggest lie I’ve ever heard. What is Lowell, 45 miles from here? Did a stray cloud park itself over Lowell and then magically disappear after dumping God’s white poop all over them? Does Lowell get isolated storms that the rest of Massachusetts does not?

The bottom line is that this new list is complete garbage. Everyone knows Worcester is still the snowiest city in America and that Lowell is obviously just juking the numbers so they can be famous for something besides manufactured 19th century cotton and Mickey Ward.

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