Turtleboy: Nothing Is More Worcester Than the St. Patrick’s Day Parade

Friday, March 06, 2015

Turtleboy

Do you like beer? Do you like seeing everyone you went to high school with stumble around Park Ave in a stupor before noon? Do you like passing out at 6:30 PM after stuffing your face with Dominos? Then your favorite day of the year is about to commence – the Worcester St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

So obviously we’ve been facialized by mother nature this winter. Two weeks ago I remember looking at the ten day forecast, hoping to see a 40 degree day or two in there. That’s all I wanted. I just wanted a LITTLE bit of this white crap to melt for Worcester’s Irish Christmas. Apparently my iMachine lied to me, because I specifically remember seeing at least two or three days where the temperature rose above 40. Instead we’ve been given a healthy dose of snow, slush, and ice. Yay!!

My question is, how is this parade going to happen on Sunday? I took a little slum sociable through the parade route today, and determined that this is just a gigantic disaster waiting to happen. Luckily most people will be way too drunk for that to matter.

Here’s another question – does anyone actually watch the parade? Because I’ve been every year since I was 19 and I think I’ve seen a total of five floats. The only thing I remember are some local Worcester boobs booing Jim McGovern in a drunken stuper and a bunch of old guys in fez caps driving small cars around.

But let’s be honest – no one cares about the parade itself. Because the parade is just an excuse we use to drink beer in public all day. I know that I’m looking forward to a day of watching Worcester’s finest make some bad decisions, fall on the ice, wrestle each other into snow banks, and urinate in public. It truly is a magical day for Worcester.

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