Turtleboy: The Oscars Continues To Be The Biggest Joke Ever

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Monday, February 23, 2015

Turtleboy

As far as farces go, they don’t get much more predictable than award shows. And by far the most ridiculous of all of them are the Oscars. This year was a circus before it even started though. That’s because the Huffington Post lead a Twitter thingy called “#OscarsSoWhite. Basically it’s calling out the schmucks who run the Academy for the fact that of the 20 actors and actresses nominated for best actor, supporting actor, actress, and supporting actress, are white.

Right on cue it became clear as day that the Academy did some damage control pronto. They put Oprah and the guy who played Martin Luther King Jr. in Selma on the aisle seats and the camera pretty much never left them all night. Then John Legend and Common got up there and did what we all knew John Legend and Common would do – compare Selma to Ferguson. Because they’re basically the same exact thing. Gotcha.

And just like every year my major beef with the Oscars revolves around one major thing – I have no idea what any of these movies are. What the hell is the Grand Budapest Hotel? Did I miss all the commercials for that? And if Whiplash, Birdman, and The Imitation Game were so great then how come none of my friends were talking about them on Facebook? Am I not artsy enough or something?

I don’t know why it happened exactly, but often lately the best picture award has to go to some terrible movie that some 60 year old guy with long hair who vacations in France, thought was artsy. It used to happen in the past but they were rare. Back in the 70’s, great movies like Patton, The French Connection, The Godfather, Rocky, The Deer Hunter, and Kramer vs. Kramer won the big one. Then the 80’s came around and the next thing you know Out of Africa, Amadeus, and Terms of Endearment were winning it. Have you ever seen those movies? They all revolve around boring people’s boring personal relationships with each other. That’s what sells with the dooshnozzles who run the Academy.

Then the 90’s and 2000’s came around and movies got good again. Braveheart, Forrest Gump, Schindler’s List, Titanic, The Silence of the Lambs, The Departed, Slumdog Millionaire, Crash, The Hurt Locker, and The Gladiator outweighed the occasional English Patient or Shakespeare in Love. But the last few years? The King’s Speech? The Artist? Those movies suck. I need some spice in my movies. Gone Girl, American Sniper, and Selma were three of the best movies of the year. But the winner should’ve been The Hunger Games/Mockingjay, because I leave those movies ready to literally kill a man for Katniss Everdeen. No questions asked. I haven’t been that inspired since Mel Gibson killed all those Englishmen only to see Scotland vote against their own independence 200 years later. And that right there is the sign of a legendary movie.

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