Holiday Gifts for the Biggest and Best in Sports

Friday, December 24, 2010

Scott Cordischi, GoLocalProv Sports Editor

In the spirit of the holiday season, it’s time to hand out some gifts to those in the world of sports. However, unlike Santa Claus, we will be giving out gifts to those who were naughty and nice. With that, here are your 2010 offerings:

-For Tom Brady, a pair of scissors. He’s going to have to be able to see Wes Welker and Deion Branch so he can get the ball to them.

-For Rex Ryan, a mile. Why a mile you ask? Because a mile has 5,280 feet and that’s a lot of toes for Rex to suck on.

-For Brian Cashman, an impact free agent. This is shaping up to be one of the worst off seasons in recent Yankee history.

-For Theo Epstein, not a thing. He already has all that he wants and needs.

-For the NCAA, a clue. First they let Auburn’s Can Newton skate because his father tried to extort Mississippi State claiming he knew nothing about it. Now they announce that Ohio State’s Terrelle Pryor and four of his teammates will be eligible to play in Sugar Bowl before being suspended for the first five games of next season for selling personal items and receiving improper benefits. Even the village idiot can see what’s behind these two decisions – money! God forbid the NCAA actually do the right thing and suspend these players immediately. That would be far too damaging to the Sugar Bowl and the BCS National Championship game and they can’t have that.

-For Bill Belichick, tickets to the Comedy Connection. Don’t you just want to see the guy crack one smile?

-For the Miami Heat, no championships. Every league needs a villain to root against and LeBron James and the Miami Heat are it in the NBA.

-For Donovan McNabb, a team that actually wants him because Washington certainly doesn’t.

-For Bill Cowher and Jon Gruden, whatever NFL head coaching jobs they want. The NFL misses these two guys even though they do a fine job on television.

-For Jim Baron, an NCAA tournament appearance. While things look bleak at the moment, maybe the Rams can catch fire in the A-10 or win the A-10 tournament.

-For Bob Kraft, some new dress shirts and ties. How about just one shirt that isn’t blue with a white collar? Or a tie that isn’t solid red or pink?

-For Doc Rivers, a healthy Celtics team come playoff time. What this team has done already this season is amazing. It’s also an indication that this team is very much prepared to make a run at another championship but they will need their health to do it.

-For the Boston Bruins, who knows? A goal scorer? A new head coach? A new GM? Just when we thought this team was poised to make a run at the Stanley Cup after their playoff run from a year ago, they are proving to be quite an enigma this season. Same old Bruins.

-For Phil Estes, a big time coaching gig. While Phil is very happy at Brown University and Brown fans are thrilled to have him, this guy remains one of the best kept secrets in all of college football running a great program on college hill.

-For Geno Auriemma, a box of Kleenex. We’re all sick of hearing him whine about the lack of respect his program and women’s college basketball receives. Enough already

-For the NFL, a new collective bargaining agreement between the owners and the players. No one wants to see a work stoppage in the greatest sport and league around.

-For Brett Favre, a hobby. Despite his great season in 2009, it now has become evident that he has outstayed his welcome. Time to call it a career, Brett.

-For Jonathan Papelbon, command of his fastball and a consistent second pitch. These are the two things that will dictate how hittable, or unhittable he will be in 2011.

-For Tiger Woods, a return to normalcy. Whether you love him or hate him, a dominant Tiger makes the PGA Tour so much more interesting to watch.

-For John Rooke, more respect than he is getting from WEEI FM. The long-time radio voice of the PC Friars was bumped out of hosting “The Keno Davis Show,” and does not deserve such treatment.

-For the state of Rhode Island, its own sports radio station. Okay, this is a bit of a selfish request because I miss the good old days of the Score. However, I also bump into people every day who say the same thing. It would be nice to have a sports radio station to call our own.

-For everyone, a very happy holiday season and a happy and healthy new year. Thanks for reading GoLocalProv.com!