Ignorance 101 with Johnny Miller

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Mike Parente, GoLocalProv Sports Editor

You wouldn’t ask the kid with straight A’s in advanced algebra how to change a flat tire or where to score the best weed on campus, nor should you ask a renowned Hall of Fame golfer to play armchair psychologist.

Johnny Miller could probably tell you what club to use on just about any shot in any given situation with Rain Man-like accuracy, but he apparently can’t tell the difference between a convicted rapist and your run-of-the-mill womanizer.

According to Miller, Tiger Woods’ recent fall from grace is similar to that of professional boxer Mike Tyson, who – in addition to raping a woman – once bit off a piece of a man’s ear during a title fight, tattooed his own face and threatened to forcibly make love to a male reporter until that reporter fell in love with him (the last part has been paraphrased to protect your children’s innocence).

This is why we divide the human population into those with book smarts and those with street smarts. Johnny Miller is the magna cum laude graduate who unknowingly drives with the parking brake on, or the pharmacist wiring money to a desperate Nigerian prince. Woods might be a scumbag for cheating on his wife with IHOP waitresses and Hot Rod magazine models, but being a scumbag doesn’t make you a criminal. Being a rapist does, and it’s asinine to suggest that Woods is guilty of anything other than not being able to keep his 9-iron in his pants.

Rape vs. Womanizing

Tyson raped a woman. Woods had consensual sex with a large handful of women despite that sacred vow of marriage he agreed to seven years ago – probably two or three at a time. Sleazy? Yes. Sociopathic? No.

On top of that, Tyson is dead broke (he declared bankruptcy in 2003). He went on a worldwide exhibition tour to scrape together enough money to pay his bills. He wrestled with Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho. Woods still has enough left in the bank to pay for his ex-wife’s happiness, purchase a small island off the coast of Africa and buy back your respect without having to win another tournament for the rest of the his life.

There's no denying the fact Woods had a lousy year in 2010. He went winless for the first time since turning pro in 1996. He failed to qualify for The Tour Championship and ended the year with a playoff loss to Graeme McDowell at the Chevron World Challenge. Miller apparently thinks this is the end of the road for Woods, who is four major championships away from tying Jack Nicklaus’ all-time record of 18, but common sense – and history – would suggest this is merely an understandable blip on the radar for a guy who just went through the ugliest public divorce in the history of awkward breakups.

Self-Infliction

All of Woods’ wounds are self-inflicted, but he’s still the same golfer – albeit a bit older – who won the Open Championship in 2006 less than two months after the death of his father and played 10 months with a torn knee ligament in 2008 before winning the U.S. Open that year with a broken leg. Given the choice, I’d rather have the entire world call me a misogynistic jackass than have to play golf six weeks after burying my father. If Woods can persevere through the latter, he can fight his way through almost anything, including a precipitous fall from grace in the court of public opinion.

Tyson was only 29 when he returned to boxing four years after his rape conviction. Woods is now 35, but his sport – despite the fact it’s much tougher than it’s given credit for – isn’t nearly as physically-demanding as professional boxing. Age is not a factor here; this is all in Tiger’s head, and, much like a slugger mired in an ongoing slump, all it takes is one hit to open the floodgates. Derek Jeter went 32 at-bats without a hit in 2004 and still managed a .292 average that year. When Woods wins his next tournament – and he will at some point – Miller’s ridiculous comparison will seem more ignorant than a “Jersey Shore” rerun.

Greatest Golfer

Even if he never breaks Nicklaus’ record, Woods will retire as the greatest golfer of all-time with enough riches to bail out that aforementioned Nigerian prince who keeps emailing you for money. He was born to golf. He is what Todd Marinovich was supposed to be – and what Marinovich would've been if his father wasn't a complete psychopath. Woods would need at least four DUIs and a sex-tape scandal to reach the level of failure currently inhabited by Tyson. Miller should stick to reading greens and leave the oil changes to us bozos who failed math.