Wake me when this nightmare ends

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Mike Parente, GoLocalProv Sports Editor

To the thousands of towel-waving, mouth-breathers who cheered the Yankees’ playoff demise despite having no vested interest in either Texas or San Francisco, the fruits of your Facebook labor were on full display last night.

Giants 11, Rangers 7. Enjoy your World Series.

While realizing most of America’s sports-viewing public is comprised of bitter, cynical, basement-dwellers who live vicariously through the underdog, I can’t see how anyone outside of the two participating cities could find this World Series remotely interesting.

You wouldn’t care about “Cinderella” if her two stepsisters weren’t complete bitches, nor would you read the Bible if David and Goliath sipped daiquiris on Jesus’ veranda. Every great story needs a villain, and this series lacks the necessary conflict between a protagonist and antagonist. Without any crotch-grabbin’, self-loathin’ tool bags to hang in effigy, we’re left with two bland teams featuring a bunch of guys you either haven’t heard of, or don’t care enough about to form a valid opinion.

Our only hope at this point is for Ron Washington to sniff a line off a hooker’s landing strip or Brian Wilson to send lewd text messages to Tim McCarver. Even a misguided racial slur would be enough to make me watch Game 2 tonight instead of sitting through another “Jersey Shore” marathon.

At least we had the possibility of an epic pitching duel between Tim Lincecum and Cliff Lee in Game 1 until both starters took it in the shorts. Lee allowed six earned runs in 4 2/3 innings, suffering his first career playoff loss, while Lincecum failed to make it out of the sixth. The aforementioned “Freak” labored through 5 2/3, allowing four earned runs on eight hits with only three strikeouts. A.J. Burnett could’ve done that.

Tonight, we get Matt Cain and C.J. Wilson, which ranks right up there with Jack Morris vs. John Smoltz in ’91 or Allie Reynolds vs. Don Newcombe in ’49, and if that’s not enough to whet your appetite, Game 2 also gives us one more night of Vladimir Guerrero completely defecating on the lost art of outfield defense.

Guerrero’s hideous gaffe in the bottom of the eighth was the last of Texas’ four errors Wednesday night, leading to three insurance runs that put the game out of reach – sort of. The Giants still had to bring Wilson in from the bullpen to close this one out despite taking a seven-run lead into the ninth.

Claiming you’d rather watch this than see the Yankees or Phillies in the World Series is akin to choosing the McRib over a 24-ounce porterhouse. America’s unrepressed penis envy often clouds its better judgment, which leads to widespread delirium, such as suggesting a World Series between Texas and San Francisco is just what this country needs

Despite our habit of deferring to the lowest common denominator (“Glee” has somehow cracked Nielsen’s Top 25), I’d be shocked if this isn’t the lowest-rated World Series of all-time, proving once again that while people bitch and moan about the big-market teams hogging the spotlight, the general public won’t watch unless there’s a overwhelming long-shot aiming to chop down a corporate giant.

No one cares about the Rangers being there; everyone’s just glad the Yankees aren’t. You got your wish. Now enjoy the rest of the series – if you can stand it.