With Bruins Riding Hot Streak, Phonies Come Out of the Woodwork

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Friday, April 30, 2010

By Michael Parente

Looks like people are going to care about hockey around here for the next two and a half weeks.

I never thought I’d see the day, only because I didn’t think the founding fathers of “Pink Hat Nation” owned parkas or wool mittens to match their RemDwag T-shirts, but with the Bruins grabbing home-ice advantage in the quarterfinals of the NHL playoffs following their upset victory over the Sabres, Boston is suddenly masquerading as a hockey town again.

Consider it Halloween in April, or, as I’d prefer to call it, a six-minute major for forgery.

This is a two-sport town and it’s been that way for years. Anyone who suggests otherwise is – as they say in genuine, French-speaking hockey towns – a poseur. Since 1989, the Bruins have drawn less than the league average in attendance 17 times in 20 years, including 2010. "Hockeytown," my ass.

Boston fans should stick to what they do best, which is bitching about Terry Francona’s lineup changes or genuflecting every time Bill Belichick slips into his tattered hoodie. Instead, all we’ll hear for the next two weeks is pubescent phonies telling us they’ve been Bruins fans since their dad took them to get their shin guard signed by Cam Neely at a card show in Weymouth.

The collective hockey IQ in this town could be best described as embryonic, and if that reference sails over your head like a Mark Savard slap shot, then chances are you, too, fall into that category. Around here, most people think a line change is moving from a crowded register to the express lane at Walmart.

Starting Saturday, all area newspapers should run a one-page insert explaining common hockey terms so that “fans” at the Garden aren’t completely lost in the rare event they actually find time to watch some of the game in between texting friends and updating their Facebook status from their iPhones.

As soon as the Bruins are eliminated, which will happen soon enough – either this round or the next – the black and gold pompoms will be buried back under the moth balls where they belong. Perhaps by then the Celtics will have found a way to dethrone LeBron and the Cavs, in which case you can pretend you’ve believed in them all along, too.

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