Dear John: Make Love, Not Noise
Tuesday, January 07, 2014
What’s your problem? Write to John at email@example.com.
A couple of months ago we moved into a new apartment (me, my husband, and our young son), and we have an awkward problem with our neighbors in the apartment next to ours. We can hear them having sex. A lot. This can happen any time of the day or night, and it’s loud. Not the kind of thing you can ignore or that you have to be completely silent to hear. We were already embarrassed once when one of our parents was visiting for the first time. We changed rooms and put some music on, but I’m looking for a more permanent solution. We don’t know them at all, but they’re a young couple (no surprise) and have seemed nice when our paths have briefly crossed. I don’t want to make this a big deal, but I don’t want to just live with it either, and I just don’t know the best way to go about it without embarrassing them. Any suggestions?
Glad For Them, Not For Us
Dear Glad For Them,
The fact that you’re being disturbed by the sounds of enthusiastic sex makes this problem seem more delicate and complicated than it really is. Boil it down: your new neighbors are making too much noise and it’s disruptive to you and probably to other neighbors as well. It doesn’t really matter what the source of the noise is – I’d do the same thing I’d do if the TV were too loud. (Well, maybe I’d wait until the sounds have subsided for a while.) Knock on the door, nicely ask if you can speak to them a minute, acknowledge it’s an awkward conversation to have, but for the sake of their own privacy, they should know that it’s very easy to hear them when they’re being intimate, and you would really appreciate it if they could be a little more discreet. Try to separate the nature of the noise from the disturbance it’s causing you. And my TV example may not be so far off: I once had a friend who thought she had the same problem you do. It turned out to be porn movies on a television.
Almost thirty years ago, my husband had an affair. I was heartbroken when I found out about it, but I loved him and believed he loved me and I worked very, very hard to regain my trust in him. I hope you understand what I mean when I say he was not the “affair” type, and I have never regretted for a moment that we didn’t give up on our marriage. He’s a good man who did one bad thing. It sounds a bit clichéd, but I think in many ways we emerged from the ordeal closer and better partners.
I rarely even think about this period in our lives, so I was quite surprised when my husband told me he had learned the woman he had an affair with (an acquaintance of mine at the time whom he hasn’t had any contact with since then) is seriously ill, probably doesn’t have much longer, and that he would like to visit her before her condition makes that an impossibility. (He learned about her health issues from a friend and has no idea if she would even welcome a visit from him.) I asked him why he would want to do such a thing and he can’t really give me a satisfactory answer beyond saying I don’t have anything to fear, she was a friend once, and he wants to say goodbye. And I just don’t know how to react this. It goes without saying this is not about any worry that any of the old spark between them remains; I feel more blindsided and confused than anything, and it has dredged up some old feelings, as you might imagine. I told him I was not keen on the idea but that I would give it some thought, but obviously, time is of the essence. What do you think? Is this something I should just go along with if I only have vague, mild misgivings? Why would he even want to do this?
The fact that your husband discussed this with you instead of just contacting her without your knowledge shows that he doesn’t have some ulterior motive. You should give him your blessing – I suspect that if they end up seeing each other, all that will happen is a very sick woman will spend a badly needed pleasant hour or two catching up with someone she once knew. That would be a gracious gift for you to give them both.
Why might he want to do this? That’s hard for me to speculate on, but perhaps this has rattled him more than he will admit, not because he harbors any feelings for her, but because her illness is a stark reminder of his own mortality. You didn’t find his answer satisfying, but there may be no more to it than he said: she was a friend once, and he wants to say goodbye.
A relative who shall remain nameless gave our son a toy gun for Christmas. Yes, it’s obviously a toy, not a realistic-looking replica or anything, but a gun is a gun as far as my husband and I are concerned. And we had no idea this was what they were giving him – they know we never would have gone for that, so they didn’t say anything, just went ahead and did it anyway. (Not completely out of character for this particular relative.) We know how to deal with the real culprits here and have done so, but my question is, how do we handle this issue with our son? I don’t want to raise a boy who thinks that violence is ever okay, but how do I explain taking away a present that he was so delighted to get?
Dear Zero Tolerance,
The best way to explain something like this to a kid is to be clear, to the point, and to give no indication that further discussion will change anything. Take the gun and explain to him that you and your husband do not think guns are suitable toys for kids because the only purpose of a gun in real life is to hurt a person or animal (or however you want to express it.) Convey this with some finality so he doesn’t get the impression that a campaign of pleading on his part may get him his gun back. Then wrap up your conversation by reassuring him that this is simply a family rule, not some kind of punishment, so you will be happy to substitute an appropriate gift of his choosing for the gun that you’re taking away.
Related Slideshow: 13 Biggest Food Stories in 2013
13. Best Pizza
Everyone loves pizza, and Massachusetts has some of the best around. Where to find the best pizza, however, depends on who you ask...
According to Zagat, Massachusetts' best pizza comes from the North End of Boston; the Giambotta at Regina Pizza.
Another publication, The Daily Meal, released a list of the 101 Best Pizzas in America for 2013. On their list, 12 pies came from New England, with 6 coming from the Bay State.
12. Best Restaurant
Worcester's EVO received three awards in 2013 for Best Chef, Albert Maykel, Best Organic & Vegan Food, and has kept its title as Worcester’s Best Overall Restaurant for the second year in a row.
The family-owned restaurant is run by siblings Albert Maykel III and Celeste Maykel Zack, and also received a Central MA Family Business Award from the Worcester Business Journal.
11. Best Burger in MA
The third week in October was Burger Week at Zagat, and in honor of the legendary sandwich, they released their list of "50 States, 50 Burgers"; naming an "official" burger for each state.
Their pick from Massachusetts came from Cambridge, at Craigie on Main. According to Zagat:
"The relatively simple grass-fed beef patties are sandwiched between a homemade bun topped with sesame seeds. But in staying true to the restaurant’s elegant aesthetic, he dresses the burger with mace ketchup in lieu of Heinz."
10. Not For Wine Drinkers
Massachusetts was one of the worst-ranked states in the country for wine lovers in 2013, according to a report from The American Wine Consumer Coalition in Washington, DC.
While Massachusetts wine drinkers may love their local vineyards and wine shops, it turns out that Massachusetts pulled a failing grade - an 'F' - and ranked #44 overall, based on how friendly its wine laws are for consumers.
9. MA State Sandwich
August was National Sandwich month, and in its honor, Zagat named Fluffernutter as the Bay State's official state sandwich.
The peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwich has been a lunchtime staple in Massachusetts since the invention of "fluff" in Somerville in 1917.
8. Michael Covino
When it comes to restaurants in Worcester, one name stands out above the rest; Michael Covino, President and CEO of Niche Hospitality Group.
This hospitality entrepreneur is one of the minds behind the revitalization of the Worcester dining scene. His restaurants include: Bocado, Worcester's first authentic Spanish Tapas and Wine Bar; Mezcal, the southwestern/Mexican destination that first opened on Shrewsbury Street and has since added a new location in Leominster; The Citizen at One Exchange Place, a significant addition to Worcester's changing downtown landscape; The People's Kitchen, located above The Citizen and featuring a "home cooked meal" approach; and Rye & Thyme, an American tavern in Leominster.
7. Cupcakes for a Cause
After the tragic bombings at the finish line of the Boston Marathon in April, most of New England (and much of America) sought a way to help... and one Millbury woman found her own way to pitch in.
With a goal of raising $1,000 by selling cupcakes, Anne King of Queens Cups Bakery was able to raise $2,350 in four days; giving $1,000 to the One Fund Boston, and the other $1,350 to Technology Underwriting Greater Good (TUGG).
6. Alina Eisenhauer
To those with a sweet tooth in Worcester, they know the place to go is Sweet, the dessert bar created by Alina Eisenhauer. Alina has established herself as one of the biggest names in pastry in America after being part of several Food Network productions; Chopped, Cupcake Wars, as well as winning their Sweet Genius competition in 2011.
2013 was a big year for Alina. She expanded her business at a new location, and saw her invention, the cronut (she called them Dosants) explode, and she sat down with GoLocal's Susan Wagner in December. Read their conversation here.
5. NE Best Food Towns
In September, GoLocal created its first ever rankings of the Best Food Towns in New England.
Here was our methodology:
GoLocal's researchers sought to quantify the essences of a truly great food town by capturing several key factors about it: its top restaurants and its culinary lifestyle.
To assess its concentration of top restaurants, researchers utilized a set of awards and ratings: AAA's Diamond rating system and Mobil/Forbes' Startle Star rating system formed the basis for the pool. Restaurants that rated 4 or 5 diamonds/stars in the last 4 years were collected and filed by their location. From there, researchers logged every James Beard Foundation award winner for the last 4 years as well as the 2013 semi-finalists and applied those restaurants to the base of cities of towns.
4. #4 Ice Cream State
Bay Staters love their ice cream, in fact, more all but two other states (plus District of Columbia). The website Bundle assessed ice cream consumption per capita based on credit card transactions at ice cream and frozen yogurt vendors.
For GoLocal's list of great Central Massachusetts ice cream and froyo spots, click here.
3. Worcester's Best Pizza
The best thing about pizza places is that no two are the same. But that also makes it hard to narrow down which spots are best to grab a great pie or slice. So luckily, GoLocal's Emily Davies put out her list of the best pizza joints in Worcester this February.
Do we leave out your personal favorite? Let us know about it!
2. The Cronut War
Cronuts? Or Dosants?
Whatever you choose to call them, they are delicious. But these tasty doughnut/croissant hybrids brought Worcester into the spotlight in 2013 over who made them first -- and GoLocal was there to get the scoop.
New Yorkers were flocking to a SoHo bakery owned by Dominique Ansel to get their hands on his new creation, the Cronut. However, Worcester's Alina Eisenhauer had been making the same pastry for years, though she called them Dosants.
1. Health Code Violations
GoLocal's biggest food story in 2013 was not necessarily a positive one. GoLocal went through all of Worcester's restaurant health inspections and organized a list of the dining establishments with the most health code violations.
GoLocal created an proprietary interactive map that shows the health inspection records for all of Worcester's nearly 700 restaurants. Be sure to check this out before selecting your next spot for a meal.
- Dear John: Agreeing To Marry - Disagreeing About Sex
- Dear John: Child’s Birth Causes Death of Sex Life
- Dear John: Another Dad Gave My Son ‘The Talk’ Before I Could
- Dear John: He May Not Like His Ex, But His Mom Still Does
- Dear John: Bad Dad Wants Back Into Their Lives
- Dear John: My Father-In-Law Is Trying To Date My Friends
- Dear John: Her Grooming Calls For An Air-Clearing
- Dear John: Is Thirteen Too Young For Sexy Underwear?
- Dear John: Ungrateful Birthday Boyfriends
- Dear John: She Wants Him All To Herself
- Dear John: Daughter’s Nude Photos Not Welcome in Family Album
- Dear John: Grossed Out By Her Coworker
- Dear John: Sharing Her Mouth With Her Dog
- Dear John: Is My Dentist Drinking on the Job?
- Dear John: Is She Just Not Good Enough For Him? Is Anyone?
- Dear John: Quit Trying To Set Me Up
- Dear John: My Boyfriend Overshares Our Intimate Details
- Dear John: Is He Creepy? Or Just Determined?
- Dear John: My Husband’s Knitting Is Out Of Control
- Dear John: Coveted By The Neighbor’s Husband