Good is Good: When You Know She’s the One
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Guys get a bad rap when it comes to romance.
The guys I know who are happily married have a story about how they met their wives. Most of these stories involve a moment when they knew that they needed to spend the rest of their lives with this particular woman in order to be happy.
No, it’s not the pinup we’re after—but a rock collection, a kind smile, homemade furniture, enthusiasm for malls, crow’s feet, an affinity for dogs, eating tuna out of a can, love for Weird Al, and truth-telling. These are just a few things that guys told me led them to know they’d found the right woman. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to love, but the one thing this project proved is that guys are far more nuanced and complex when it comes to love than we get credit for. And we are really looking to marry for the right reasons—whatever that means to the individual guy.
For me, it involved two children from a prior marriage.
After six years as a divorced dad, I had never introduced my kids to anyone I dated. My kids were, and still are, the most important thing in my life. I wasn’t sure I could trust anyone to love them the way I do.
When I met my wife, Elena, she had been through her own set of struggles, losing a young and vibrant husband to cancer (he’d been diagnosed on her honeymoon). She comported herself with such grace, beauty, and warmth. (OK, showing up in black leather pants for our first real date didn’t hurt, either.)
Just a few weeks after meeting Elena, my kids and I baked brownies for my new friend and played a huge game of tag on the green at Brown University. Within a month we were engaged, and six months later we were married. She was the one. We’ve been married eight years.
Here’s when other guys knew they had met their soul mate.
When I left for college, she was still in high school. I was so miserable without her, despite all that college life had to offer. Looking back, I realize the moment I knew she’d be my wife was when she sent me a box of cookies and a love note, which came in the mail when I was alone, and although there were plenty of other things to eat, I was starving for home. I realized “home” meant her. Twenty-five years later, it still does.
—Todd Mauldin, blues philosopher
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Our first walking date. We traced the entire property line of a 65-acre farm, through weeds, brambles, dense forest, swamp. We came to my favorite place, a gigantic ancient maple along an old logging trail. She looked delighted, approached and started climbing. I knew then.
—Boysen Hodgson, founder, OpenMen.org
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Pregnancy test was positive. After 13 years, it’s still the best mistake we ever made.
—Dan Perez, award-winning filmmaker, video producer, and blogger
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Her eyes. The moment I met her 17 years ago, I knew. And she was married.
—Jim Mitchem, writer, communications tactician
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She appeared suddenly in the produce section of my grocery store in Cambridge, Massachusetts, several weeks after I had spied her from afar wearing an impossibly fashionable fuzzy green sweater at a party while I was in my second year in business school. I wasn’t able to meet her then and was despondent for the intervening weeks. But then, there she was, in my grocery store, my land of steaks and tater tots. Shocking myself and I am sure most other patrons, I approached her in the vegetable aisle and struck up a conversation. When she didn’t turn the lettuce sprayer on me after a few fumbling moments of conversation, I knew she was the one.
—Heb Ryan, partner, Boston Post Partners
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I was in love with my wife at first sight. At the time, she was a model and was absolutely gorgeous—and, 35 years later, still is. However, what sealed the deal was going to her apartment and her showing me her collection of rocks and arrowheads. I loved the outdoors and collecting things, so I knew we had a lot in common. We now live on a beautiful ranch in the Texas Hill Country and still enjoy hiking and looking for rocks, fossils, and arrowheads.
—Pablo Solomon, artist and designer
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It was the crow’s feet on the sides of her eyes that attracted me to her. They gave her a look of kindness I had never seen before. And when she smiled, it only accentuated them further. She did turn out to be a kind and gentle person, and we have been blissfully married now for 22 wonderful years.
—Lee E. Shilo, author and poet
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When I picked her up for our first date, she showed me the furniture she had made by hand for her dorm room. A chair, a loveseat, and her loft bed. Right away, I knew that she paved her own path in life. She was handy, curious, and willing to get dirty to make life happen. That’s my kind of tomboy!
—Joel Swanson, marketing executive
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I first set eyes and quickly developed a crush on my future wife in 11th grade (she was in 12th) when we shared a class. It was the only class I always rushed to in an effort to position myself next to her or next to an empty seat, hoping she would take it. A friendship developed but life took us in different directions.
Fast-forward six years. As I was friends with her brother, I saw cars in the driveway of their family home, and a year after having graduated from college decided to stop and say a quick hello. Lucky for me, her brother Bill was not in, but Diane was, and it was the first time that I was able to get up the nerve to ask her out to the movies, followed by a drink at the local watering hole.
That night, I told my buddies that I was madly in love and that Diane without a doubt was the one for me. Within a few months I was truly blessed when she accepted my marriage proposal.
Now, 21 years later, I continue to thank my lucky stars.
—Adam Sulimirski, general manager, Eco Trans Alliance Inc. and Cruise Car, Inc.
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Two bachelors sorting through photos in L.A., me and my best pal. He came upon a 3×5 of a beautiful blonde who I never seen before. I said, “Who is that”? He said, “This is going to be your wife.” Fifteen months later she was; 16 years later she still is.
—Patrick Lyons, restaurant and nightclub owner
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The very first night we met started as nothing more than a chance meeting in a bar, which turned into a discussion of sports, our love of the Yankees (we met during the Yankees-Mets World Series in 2000), music, and so many other things that we had in common. Then, she suddenly admitted that she ate plain tuna fish right out of the can. That may seem insignificant or even silly to others, but I have always eaten tuna plain right out of the can and had never in my life met anyone else who did. Now, after more than 10 years together and eight years happily married, we still look back at that exact moment as our dealmaker.
—Geoff Lester
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The first time I met my wife, I entered her kitchen and said loudly, “Where is the love of my life?” She turned around and said, “Here I am!” Little did I know how true that moment would be, because I was actually talking about a girlfriend (friend) of mine, who was her best friend, whom I’d actually come over to visit.
—Adam Nisenson
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When she said, “I love Weird Al and D&D, too!” Nerd love is the purest love.
—Daniel Coffman, stay-at-home dad, homeschool coach, amateur author
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I knew my wife was the woman for me when on our second date I caught her watching baseball on TV!
—Ken Schaefer
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We had both seated ourselves in my convertible to go home when I said, “Do you mind if I smoke a cigar?” Alli replied, “I sure do—unless you’ve got one for me!” Sealed the deal.
—Bill Achtmeyer, chairman and managing partner, The Parthenon Group
For more of Tom's works, as well as other pieces on related topics, go to The Good Men Project Magazine online, here.
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