To Hug Or Not To Hug: Dos & Don’ts

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

MODERN ETIQUETTE by Didi Lorillard

It's that time of year — coming out of January dead-of-winter hibernation — to celebrate Valentine's Day! This holiday, like most, is a wonderful excuse for a party—and to party on that night where everyone expects their fair share of great hugs.

There's much to recommend the hug. Researchers at University of North Carolina found that prolonging an extra 20 seconds to a hug can make a huge difference in how relaxed and happy a person feels. A British poll revealed that in the UK adults hug at least once a day, and that the Scots hug more than five times a day.

The best hugs give rise to a deep exhale that makes you want to keep on exhaling. Some people are better huggers than others, because they hug more. Practice! You can definitely tell when your hug has had an effect because the person will quite visibly feel accepted and therefore more relaxed.

When, though, to hug?

And yet, we cannot hug everyone, all the time. Which raises a fundamental etiquette question: When to kiss, to hug, to shake hands? How do you know what to do when? The answer is simple, be sensitive to the feelings of the person you're greeting.

Having that awareness of doing one or the other shows good manners. Your instincts will tell the two of you which way to go. When a hand comes toward you for a formal shake, you know how to respond because the other person has taken the lead. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean you can't pull her into an embrace to give her a hug. If going

forward she protectively brings her arms to her chest, her body language is saying that she's just not into anything more familiar than a handshake. That's OK. The saving grace is to firmly, but gently, take hold of her upper arms or shoulders, while telling her how fantastic she looks; or gently say, “It's good to see you.” Then listen as she explains that she's coming down with a cold.

8 reasons to hug

Hugs don't require planning.
Hugs are nonfattening.
Hugs are reciprocal.
Hugs are not taxable.
Hugs can be made in all kinds of weather and any time of day.
Hugs make you both feel better.
Hugging is an excellent aerobic exercise for keeping the winter blues away. That's what they say, “A hug a day keeps the blues at bay.” Not only does it make you feel energized by giving you an emotional boost, but medical evidence shows that a hug makes your body produce more oxytocin, the feel-good hormone. Research found that one 40-second hug a day makes a big difference between how happy and relaxed we are. Which is why people in healthy relationships are happier—and feel less stressed.
We all hug differently in different situations, and how you hug shows how you feel about each other.

5 types of hugs

The Back to Front Hug is an affectionate way to surprise someone unexpectedly from behind while they're diligently hovering over the stir-fry. It shows that you're not expecting anything in return—and that you're just feeling generous about giving a hug.

The Cheek-to-Cheek Hug is used to comfort and show fondness, and yet allows you to keep your distance. It is used mostly with the elderly or for those who are seated and might not easily be able to hug back. It is also reserved for colleagues to whom we show familiarity and respect.

The Side-to-Side Hug is for multi-tasking while you're walking her to the door, elevator, or her car.

The Open-Hearted Goodness Hug is the hug we all crave as a daily elixir. It is an affectionate, smoothly paced, from-the-heart hug that shows partners, friends, and family how deeply we care.

The Bear Hug, the strongest, firmest, and longest hug, shows reassurance and deep affection; it is not, however, to be confused with the quick Excited Hug, the “I got into law school!” hug. You always remember who gave you the best Bear Hugs—they are the great huggers and lovers.

15 Dos of hugging

Do smile as you go toward her with your hug.
Do lean in a bit, looking in her eyes while smiling to make sure she is comfortable.
Do relax and take a deep breath.
Do gently squeeze her while hugging her.
Do be well-groomed, because nothing ruins a good hug faster than foul body odor.
Do come up for air making eye contact.
Do respond to her hug even if it wasn't as good as yours—coax her on.
Do hold that hug, go for length—the longer the hug, the better.
Do sway gently from side-to-side while hugging.
Do take short steps in a circle dance to show you can hug forever.
Do put your arms around his neck to pull yourself closer resting your head on his chest.
Do keep your heart open and be ready for the hug to escalate romantically.
Do cuddle gently afterwards.
Do remember that hugging brings a smile to your face.
Do be a great hugger.

9 Don'ts of hugging

Don't be nervous, say something amusing or tell a joke to lighten things up.
Don't hug if you know your body odor is bad.
Don't force a hug.
Don't expect perfection; it's all right to be kinder than the other person.
Don't act desperate by hugging too fast and furiously.
Don't be selfish, it's just a hug—savor the hug.
Don't breathe in the other person's ear—not just yet.
Don't sweat.
Don't entrap the other person's arms.

Didi says: Born in Providence and brought up in Newport, I've never been able to stay away from Rhode Island for too long. Although my two daughters and husband were raised in New York City, it is they who have taught me the importance of etiquette and manners. As the author of two books about collecting art in New York, I've come home to what's important to me: how I behave. You can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, and most of all at NewportManners.com. That is, of course, after you've read all my Modern Etiquette columns on golocalprov.com