New Research: Couples Keep Fighting Over Years

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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

GoLocalProv Health Team

In all relationships, people know that there will be good times and bad, especially in marriages. A new study from researchers at Ohio State and Florida State University published in the Journal of Family Issues reported that no matter if the times were good or bad, they would most likely stay that way.  According to research, the amount of conflict is unlikely to change in the duration of the marriage.  

This study, which used material from Penn State’s study, "Marital Instability Over the Life Course", examined more than 2,000 married people over the course of 20 years. In this study, 16% of couples reported little conflict, 60% said they experienced moderate conflict, and 22% said they fight and argue frequently.  In all these couples, there was a slight decrease in conflict in the final years, but the differences in conflict levels were very small.  

The fighters will squabble  

Jody Eyre, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is the president of the Rhode Island Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (RIAMFT). Eyre said that this wasn’t surprising: “People who squabble will find things to squabble about, which flies in the face of our idealized beliefs about marriage."

“Couples who report high levels of marital satisfaction are not necessarily couples with the fewest disputes,” she says, arguing that fighting is not necessarily bad, but the issue lies in how couples deal with these arguments.  

“Fighting and arguments are a normative part of human interactions," Eyre says. "People who have ways to resolve disputes by avoiding contempt seem to cruise through annoyances or differing beliefs and values.”

Secrets to the low-conflict marriages 

Low-conflict marriages in the study were more likely to share decision-making, which could be counter-intuitive, because the more decisions to discuss could create more opportunities for conflict.  

Eyre said that this was expected, considering her experience. “Couples who collaborate about decisions and have shared work loads regarding the domestic responsibilities are the ones with the lowest levels of conflict,” she said. “People in relationships need to feel heard and understood by a partner, and this doesn’t always mean that the other will agree.”  

The lowest-conflict marriages also valued "traditional marriage," the study reported.

“The term 'traditional' marriage may be confusing as it has the connotation that the husband is in a position of dominance,” says Eyre, “Perhaps traditional has the meaning of a partnership whereby two people agree to support each other as proclaimed in marriage vows, i.e. in sickness and in health, through good times and bad times.” Valuing these tenets may make fighting seem trivial, and the couple might be more likely to let things go.

For the study, go here.

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