Newport Manners & Etiquette: Holiday Dilemmas

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

Your holiday etiquette dilemmas with family and friends are more common than you think. What not to say, when not to give a gift, a same-sex couple's first Christmas, all questions to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners Christmas week.

What not to bring up at dinner with future in-laws

Q. We're having Christmas with the future in-laws whom we really don't know for the first time. We couldn't be more different if we tried. What should my wife and I keep our mouths zipped about? Anonymous, Exeter, RI

A. Politics, if you know they're a Donald Trump fan, and you aren't; the Red Socks, if they never miss a game and you could care less; weight loss, if they're ten pounds heavier than you; their frugality, if their present is a recycled cologne with the cellophane removed; your upcoming vacation in Cabo San Lucas or Antigua, if you know they've never been out of New England; any gender-related subject such as pointing out that you have more grandsons than they do; religion, if you know they're more religious than you are. Don't give unsolicited advice about how to prevent hair loss, staying fit, or loosing weight -- in other words, stay away from anything to do with body image. Including issues of fertility and asking whether a woman is pregnant. Or when she or he is "ever" getting married. And never give stock tips. Be mindful of the fact that the last thing you say to someone, may become a lasting impression. ~Didi

What not to say when you don't like a gift

Q. What to say to your friend whose taste in music goes to pop and you can't stand the CD that he gave you and he's pushing to know what you think of it? Do I lie? Or do I say, "We're not into pop, so we're recycling it to someone who is?" Connie, Providence

A. Hold your tongue. No matter how much you want to tell someone that you don't have the same taste in music, remember that it's a gift. The problem with that is that you don't want to encourage future gifts of pop CDs so stay cool. Say, "Oh, yeah, thanks so much we haven't had a chance to appreciate it." By sounding slightly nonchalant, the gifter picks up the hidden nuisance of your non-enthusiasium. Then gift the CD to someone whom you know is into pop, if there is not a gift receipt. ~Didi

What to say when you don't bring a present

Q. At a pre-Christmas party a good friend gave me a nicely wrapped present to put under our tree. I was caught off guard and didn't have a gift for her, even though we had exchanged gifts in the past. What do I do now? I have sixteen grandkids and their parents to buy and wrap presents for (and in some cases mail in time for Christmas) and I can't keep up with exchanging gifts with coworkers or friends any longer. What do I say? SE, Dover, MA

A. There are three options here: Be honest and tell them the truth with no apology. Lie saying you ordered them a book through Amazon, which everyone knows can take weeks to arrive, and they'll have it as soon as it is delivered to you. Express your appreciation and go home and order online a small, sweet basket of cookies from dancingdeer.com; then during the course of the coming year drop the hint that you're no longer going to be exchanging Christmas presents outside the family. ~Didi

When to send a thank-you note for a holiday party

Q. We accepted an evite to a holiday party and attended. We did not bring a hostess gift. Can we send a thank-you card after the fact and that's enough? Or do we have to send our hosts a gift? Anonymous, Newport, RI

A. A guest is never required to bring a gift to a party or send one post-party. You were invited because your host enjoys your company. However, if you don't bring a thoughtful token hostess gift, you would reciprocate with an email thank-you note pointing out your view of the highlights of their party (a person you met, the beautifully decorated house, the food, eggnog, etc.). At the very least: An evite invitation is reciprocated with an email expressing gratitude; a paper invitation, is acknowledged with a handwritten note; a verbal invitation by phone or in person is reciprocated with a phone call thanking the person for having invited them. ~Didi

What to give his boyfriend

Q. Since our forty-something son is bringing his same-sex partner to our Christmas dinner (of eighteen total), we wouldn't be surprised if they announced that they're getting married. That's what his sister thinks. As we're retired, we give only a small gift to everyone attending, such as a pair of socks. We give one check to his sister and her husband, because we know full well the financial constraints of pleasing young children at Christmas. What should we do about a gift for this unexpected guest? Anonymous, Worcester, MA

A. Best to keep it sweet. Brownies nicely wrapped in a bright red bow, or a loaf of pumpkin, or orange-cranberry, bread would be fitting for the season. Even if your son's partner brings you and your husband his own gifts, you are not required to give him anything personal such as an article of clothing. But fresh baked goods are a gift the two men can share as a couple at home. ~Didi

Didi Lorillard researches all matters of manners and etiquette at NewportManners. Ask her a question to be answered privately. The best questions of the week appear here and some are anonymous.

Newport Manners & Etiquette: Holiday Dilemmas

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