Finneran: You Must Die
Friday, December 13, 2019
Tom Finneran
Your existence is a problem. In fact, your existence is the problem.
For you see, you are a human being and as such you are messing up the perfect harmonies of nature.
The headline caught my eye. It described the ponds of Cape Cod as “over-used’’. Human beings were actually swimming in these ponds during the hot summer months! Oh the horror!! How dare they “over-use” the ponds.
Of course you are not allowed to ask what constitutes over-use. Suffice it to say that our masters have determined that we---citizens, taxpayers, human beings---are guilty. It’s a ponds over people cult.
I’m too old to listen to such crap. I’m too old to genuflect to nonsense. And I know the reason for the alleged “over-use” of the ponds.
It’s the seal worship that has been foisted upon us.
Many thousands of seals now clutter our Cape Cod beaches. As they expand each year, two very obvious things have occurred: first, ravenous sharks have shown up in such numbers that the beaches are now closed to swimming on a daily basis; second, we---those intrusive citizens, taxpayers, human beings---are pushed into ever-shrinking corners of the shore. It’s the equivalent of a baseball double-header and we, the humans, have been shutout in each game: Sharks 500, Humans 0; Seals 50,000, Humans 0. It’s like facing Sandy Koufax and Bob Gibson.
We are now told by our ever officious masters that we must leave the water if a seal surfaces within fifty feet. You are not even allowed to throw a rock at these fat five hundred pound pigs. I myself would prefer an ambitious cull of the seal herd every year, preferably by rifle shot and preferably to be fed to hungry polar bears around the world.
Yes, I know that my priorities are whacked out. My grievous sin is that I place human beings on a higher moral plane than a seal. Or a marauding bear. Or a billion Canada geese.
I’m told by my masters that I am out of line, that all the world’s creatures are our equal, and that “the seals were there first”. How dare we enter “their” domain, “their” waters.
I cannot adjudicate the issues of evolution, nor the question of “who came first”. All I know is that in an unmistakably old-fashioned way, I place a human baby on a higher pedestal than a seal pup and human beings on a higher plane than a herd of seals. And you, Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer, you are told that you cannot use or enjoy the beaches which you pay for.
As for the charge of over-use of the Cape’s ponds, might our scolds publish the rest of their commandments so that we might properly worship their gods? After all, it’s quite the fashion to blame those terribly violent and intrusive creatures, those humans, who have brought us art, music, medicine, science, and literature and who have made life on earth something more than nasty, brutish, and short.
In this season when neither a Nativity creche nor a menorah can be accepted on the town common, we might place a big fat live seal above the doors of town hall as conclusive evidence that we have lost our minds.
Tom Finneran is the former Speaker of the Massachusetts House of Representatives, served as the head the Massachusetts Biotechnology Council, and was a longstanding radio voice in Boston radio.
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