Newport Manners & Etiquette: Rudeness
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Social Climbing
Q. I was shopping with two friends at a trunk show when another friend said to one of the friends, "You and Max will have to come to dinner soon. Can you come next Friday? I'll invite Alex and Molly, too. I've hired a private chef for the summer." What bothered me was not so much the fact that I wasn't invited, but the rudeness and insensitivity of how the invitation was extended in front of me and another friend.
The rude friend is someone who likes to drop names and is thought to be a social whore. As a friend, do I talk to her about this or let it slide? She really should know better. Anonymous
A. Let it go. The friend you think you can help is an attention whore who wants something from your friend whom she is inviting and will repeat the cycle to get to the top of the social ladder no matter what.
Hopefully, the social climber, who thinks friendships are a game, will mature beyond her social climbing ways when she realizes that her shallowness in hurting other people's feelings has been witnessed too many times.
Other People's Naughty Adult Children
Q. On a plane ride cross country my husband and I sat in front of
our good friend's daughter. She and her two college classmates spent the entire five hour flight day-drinking and bragging about frat parties they had attended drinking "jungle juice" until "hitting a wall" and then "barfing all over the floor."
There was no humor in the storytelling: they were egging each other on, although they laughed and laughed at one another's silly, vulgar stories. We couldn't sleep or read through the howling. By hour four I stood up and asked them to please lower their voices and thanked them profusely for turning down the volume. The daughter of the friend bowed her head and they were relatively quite for the final hour until touch down.
My questions is this. Should we tell our good friend about the incident? As parents ourselves we would have been mortified if one of our children had gotten drunk and behaved badly and loudly in public. We struggled to pay the cost of putting three kids through college and if they ever behaved like that, we would want to know about it in order to get them professional help fast. MJ, Boston
A. It would be easy to say that the incident is none of your business. That you shouldn't muddle and tattletale on your friend's daughter to her parent. Except for the fact that the behavior of the three coeds must have also affected the other passengers seated nearby. Should you find yourself in a similar uncomfortable situation again, get up from your seat and talk to a steward, who will then monitor the behavior and cut off the booze.
Business at Cocktail Parties
Q. At a cocktail party celebrating a friend's birthday an acquaintance approached my wife and me to explain that he had pledged a matching grant to a local non-profit, that the deadline was coming up fast, and if we contributed, our donation would be doubled? A good idea, but in our opinion not the right place.
Furthermore, it put us in an awkward predicament. A two-edged sword because my wife had previously asked him for a donation to her community outreach program. At that point, we didn't know if he had made a contribution to her fundraiser. But that wasn't the point, she hadn't put him on the spot in a social setting, she had sent him an email followed up by an invitation to the benefit.
The acquaintance was pushing for a financial commitment in what was supposed to be a relaxed social setting. Didi, how would you have handled a dilemma such as this? R.B., Nantucket
A. Some people are all business -- even when on holiday. That's who they are. That's how they socialize. The best response would have been to listen to him for two minutes and then say, "We really shouldn't be having this discussion at George's big celebration. Let's meet for a drink or coffee."
Chances are he won't follow up. He was enjoying his moment. Boasting of his matching grant as a vehicle for socializing. If he does invite you for a drink or coffee, your wife would have had time to find out if he had made a contribution to her fundraiser, and you can take if from there.
Didi Lorillard researches manners and etiquette at NewportManners.
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