Turtleboy: It’s the Patriots Against the World

Monday, January 26, 2015

Turtleboy

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick

Every day I wake up and thank sweet baby Jesus that I am a Patriots fan. This past week we’ve been put to the test with all this nonsense about deflated balls. Anyone with a brain knows that the entire thing is a conspiracy orchestrated by the butthurt Baltimore Ravens to try to enact revenge from Tom Brady’s infamous comment that the Ravens needed to learn the playbook. We’ve been put through this public flogging at the hands of morons like Felger and Mazz, but we have survived and come out stronger. And yesterday our fearless leader, the hooded one himself, completely annihilated all the idiots that fell for it.

During Saturday’s press conference Coach Bill Belichick made a reference to Mona Lisa Vito – easily the greatest character Marisa Tomei has ever portrayed. A more appropriate reference would’ve been to Tommy Boy though. I’ll sum up the press conference in one line: “You could get a good look at a football by sticking your head up John Harbaugh’s behind, but I’d rather take Bill Belichick’s word for it."

It was a legendary press conference. If you missed it then I feel bad for you. The Patriots got tired of waiting for the league to exonerate them, and since they have this kind of important football game to prepare for, they went and did their own scientific investigation again. They held a controlled experiment with different variables and reached the conclusion that the fact that 11 of the 12 game balls were two PSI below 12.5 was perfectly normal considering the circumstances. Plus we all got to hear Belichick talk about handling balls, sensations, and rub downs for 15 minutes, so everyone was a winner yesterday.

Of course none of this matters to geniuses like Bill Nye the Science Guy who aren’t convinced because the Colts balls went through the same conditions that the Patriots balls did, but supposedly they weighed more. Newsflash: the entire point of that press conference was to explain the unique things the Patriots do to prepare footballs that would explain the more impacted loss in air pressure. Try harder next time.

I know some Patriots fans are frustrated by all the whining, but I absolutely love every minute of it. It’s everyone against us. The media and the rest of the country hate us, but God loves us. You are going to see an angry, pissed-off, “us against the world” team on Sunday. It’s kind of scary to think about. So the real loser here is the Seattle Seahawks. They didn’t ask for any of this.

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