Newport Manners & Etiquette: Four Huge Tips for Holiday Partying

Wednesday, December 07, 2016

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

'Tis the season to party hearty. Questions to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners this week ask for the skinny on the holiday office party, the hostess gift, regifting, and the etiquette for inviting extended family to Christmas dinner.

Holiday party hostess gift

Q. Do you have to bring a present to the host when you attend a Christmas party? Are we expected to bring a wrapped gift? We're seeing that some people bring a gift, but not so many. Can I merely send a thank-you card from my partner and me? PT, Wilmington, DE

A. Keep to the spirit of the event. The next day send a holiday card adding a short hand-written note saying something such as this, "Dear Alice and Ted, We loved your party. Thank you for including us and introducing us to your many friends. Looking forward to seeing you both in the new year. By the way, we love your library and your wonderful book collection. The pheasant pâté was sublime. Again, thanks ever so much for sharing the joy of Christmas. Cheers, Charlie and Paul"

Gifts are not required when you attend a holiday party. However, a thank-you note is a must. Even if that thank-you note is scribbled on the back of a Christmas or New Year's card. Or is delivered as an email.

For those who have given you a hostess gift in the past, find small boxes of chocolates you can slip into your coat pocket to leave for the host; be sure to attach a tag with your name. Make it easy for your host: a small gift like that does not require an acknowledgment.

Regifting etiquette

Q. What's the etiquette on regifting? What else can you do with a gift you've received that you don't want, but regift it? I'm allergic to scented candles; I only read cookbooks and listen to classical music; I'm gluten-free and don't eat sugar; and I don't drink Three-Buck Chuck wine. Personally, I take great care in my gift giving and am a bit miffed when I'm stuck with a present I don't want. TP, Boston

A. Regifting or regiving is social recycling. Nothing wrong with that as long as the gift hasn't been used and is still in pristine condition with the original cellophane or other packaging intact. If the seal on that CD, Whitman chocolate sampler box, or jar of Roasted Garlic Onion Jam has been broken, the receiver will know it; and that you were not tempted to keep it for yourself. He may think, "If it wasn't good enough for the giver, maybe I don't want it either."

Think lightly of the Christmas gift exchanged by friends; it's a token of your affection or appreciation. Don't take the gift personally by being emotionally invested in whether or not it was the right or wrong perfect present for you.

When possible, include a gift receipt as a sign that you're not going to be offended if he exchanges your present, because here is the receipt.

Scrooge had a point

Q. Not one for office Christmas parties. As an accountant I don't see the point in wasting money when we should be giving employees higher salaries and better benefits. We have employees who cannot make it from paycheck to paycheck. Especially this time of year when they need money for their children. I would rather employees have the option of getting a check instead for the cost the company spends per guest. Keep in mind that attending the party may mean the employee has to pay a babysitter in order to stay late at work to please her boss. Boss says that would be too complicated. He says the Christmas party is good for morale. Well, what about the morale in the worker's home? JS, Warwick

A. Good idea about giving an option. Employees should not have to be bullied into attending a company holiday party at their own expense when they have to pay for child care in order to socialize with the boss. Especially if Christmas is not a part of their culture. On the other hand, administration may believe that a holiday party is good for the business. Too late this year, but planning ahead tailor the holiday party to those who really want to participate. Compensate those who opt for the cash. For some, keep in mind that the office party may be their only holiday celebration.

Setting holiday boundaries

Q. My ex-husband's wife, who is recently widowed, had been sharing holidays with her husband's grown children, their wives and families, including me and my husband, who also has children from his previous marriage.

My ex lived high on the hog. He left our grown children his business and provided properly for his widow. Since our children were young we've been celebrating the holidays as a big happy extended family. Nonetheless, now that my children's father is dead, and our kids have growing families of their own, we're wondering how to set holiday boundaries with the widow. My husband and I are trying to simplify; we're getting old and holidays are a lot of work as well as being expensive. Anonymous

A. Setting holiday boundaries for expanding multigenerational families is definitely a huge challenge. The good news is that you are all members of one big happy tribe. As you say, holidays are a lot of work. Focus on the youngest members of your growing family. Make them your priority. You can set boundaries for gift giving.

For instance, assign each guest (even the children) another guest to whom they bring a wrapped gift with a tag that only identifies the name of the person to whom it is for. Or make the children under eighteen the only recipients of presents.

Be patient. In time, your former husband's widow will enlarge her circle of friends and find her own path.

Didi Lorillard researches manners and etiquette at NewportManners.

Newport Manners & Etiquette: Four Huge Tips for Holiday Partying

Related Slideshow: 15 Ways to Get Into the Holiday Spirit in Central MA - 2017

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