Newport Manners & Etiquette: Wedding Etiquette Dilemmas + More

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

What is the etiquette when invitations are sealed and there's an omission, can we ask to bring our small children to the reception, and what do we do about no-shows at our wedding? Along with how to help your girlfriend spring clean her social media, all questions to Didi Lorillard this week at NewportManners.com.

Social media spring cleanse

My girlfriend shares way too much on social media. Random people bring up her past and present posts and photos to me at work and parties. It's embarrassing because they know more than they should about what we do, where we go to eat, who we hang with, and the presumed wild parties. I'm more of a private person. How can I get her not to share so much because it's annoying me? I keep telling her this put she doesn't get it. H.P., Brooklyn

It's OK to be honest with your girlfriend and tell her what's annoying you. Suggest, for instance, that she spring cleans her Facebook wall by cleansing it of cheesy and/or incriminating photos. Say, "I'd like more privacy in our relationship. Don't post your relationship status every day or alert Foursquare to where we're having dinner. It's fine to update your profile photo, because I like seeing different sides of you, but being more mysterious makes it more intriguing for me." If she is unable to compromise, maybe it is time to find a new girlfriend. ~Didi

Asking to bring children to a wedding

My husband and I are invited to our good friends' wedding, but it doesn't appear that our three children are being asked. They are seven and five (the twins) and behave well enough. We think it is important for them to get the social experience of attending our friends' wedding. Would it be rude to ask if we can bring them along? Otherwise, it means hiring a sitter. Ana Teresa, Location withheld

Ana Teresa, I agree that it is important to take children out socially to visit with friends and family, and to go to family-syle restaurants and events. The problem is this. It can cost your host upward of a hundred dollars per person for each wedding guest no matter their age. Is it fair to the host to have to pay for your children, if they are not part of the wedding party or a family member? My experience with children, grandchildren and friends as a hostess and guest has been that when a child gets on a sugar high at a wedding and dances solo on the dance floor bumping into other guests, it may seem cute at first, but then it becomes a bore. All eyes should be on the bride, wedding guests focused on the wedding couple, not on a showboater (young or old). Weddings are all about the bride and groom. ~Didi

Wedding invitation omission dilemma

What do you do if you've already sealed the wedding invitations but forgot to include where you are registered? Can you put it on the back of the envelope or would that be crass? D.J., Charolotte, NC

Most of your friends will assume you have a wedding website on which they can find such information as to where you are registered. Or they'll find it on sites such as theknot.com. Some of your guests may feel it is tacky to include registry information along with an invitation, so in their eyes you'll shine. Be assured that if guests want to send their gift from your registry, they'll be able to find the information online or through word-of-mouth. For older people, again, have trust in getting the info out through word-of-mouth. Be sure all your close relatives and friends know where you are registered so that when they're asked, they can relay the name of the store.

My advice to you is to NOT send out a special mailing or add the notation on the wedding envelope, because it will make you sound desperate for gifts and rather pathetic. ~Didi

Wedding no-shows

Four friends who accepted our wedding invitation on their reply card, didn't show up for our wedding reception. It was cocktails, followed by a seated dinner and live band and it meant other guests who did show up were seated next to an empty seat with a place card above the place setting. Also, we could have invited other friends, who would have shown up. Worse for us, personally, was that they were included in the headcount to the caterer and we had to pay $134.89 per guest whether they showed up or not. To add insult to injury, none have given us an excuse, apologized, nor felt they needn't to send a gift. Is there any nice way to make them aware of their faux pas? B.H., Mattapoisett, MA

The bloody gall of those guests who didn't commit to their RSVP! It's one thing when something better comes along that you'd rather do or your baby sitter cancels at the last moment, but the right thing would have been to email or text with an apology or excuse that gave you fair warning. At the very least to give you the heads up in time for you to take away their place cards, remove their place settings and chairs so you could tighten up the tables. But to do nothing is disrespectful. Give them the cold shoulder. Don't bring up the expensive absence because it will only force a pitiful lie. It's time to meet new friends and move on. ~Didi

Do you have a Question for Didi? Visit her at NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book,"Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or address. Do explore Didi's earlier columns by typing Didi Lorillard in the upper righthand corner of this page.

Related Slideshow: 12 Romantic Fall Getaways in Massachusetts

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Red Lion Inn

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Bancroft Tower at Salisbury Park

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Wachusett Village Inn

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The 1761 Old Mill Restaurant

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Nashoba Valley Winery

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Charlotte's House Bed & Breakfast

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The Maguire House Bed & Breakfast

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Tower Hill Botanic Garden

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Via Italian Table

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The red Inn

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The red Inn

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Top of the Hub

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Top of the Hub

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The Porches Inn

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The Porches Inn

231 River St., North Adams