Turtleboy: Five Reasons Boston Is Better Than Seattle And Deserves a Super Bowl Win

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Friday, January 30, 2015

Turtleboy

Only two more days until the greatest Super Bowl ever. I’ve never been this nervous, excited, and aroused at the same time before. If the Patriots don’t win the next two weeks of my life are officially shot. I won’t be able to face life. They have to win. They just have to. I believe in them not only because they’re better than the Seahawks, but because we’re the chosen people and we deserve this. Boston is infinitely better than Seattle, and here are five reasons why:

5. History

There wouldn’t be an America without Boston, New England, and the thousands of Patriots who lived here. The name is perfect. We are America’s team because we represent the American Revolution. The Seahawks? What’s a Seahawk? Is that even a real bird or just a hawk that enjoys delicious marine life? Seattle’s history is based around lumber, shipbuilding, and software. Shouldn’t they be the Seattle Lumberjacks? At least that would make sense. 

4. Dunkin Donuts > Starbucks

Dunkin Donuts doesn’t even exist in Seattle. I don’t even want to think about a world where I don’t pass by a Dunkin Donuts every other block. Starbucks? Get out of my face with that nasty jive. It’s more expensive and it taste like poo. Plus you have to stand in line with a bunch of dingbats from Seattle who order coffees you can’t pronounce and then spend the rest of their afternoon on their laptops. 

3. Tourist Destinations

There’s so much to see in Boston. Fenway Park, the Freedom Trail, the Boston Common, the Charles River. What does Seattle have? A stupid needle and a fish market. That’s what they’re famous for. No wonder grunge music came out of Seattle – I’d also be pretty depressed if that’s all I had to look forward to. 

2. Hipsters

Yea, Boston has some hipsters, but Seattle is hipster destination USA. And somehow the latest thing the Seattle hipsters have embraced is homelessness. I’m not even kidding. I’ve been to Seattle. There are thousands upon thousands of people who are literally homeless by choice. You’ve never seen a homeless guy with a laptop until you’ve been to Seattle. 

1. Fans

Boston is the city of champions, but it hasn’t always been that way. However, none of that mattered because we stick by our teams through thick and thin. Fenway Park was selling out like hot cakes long before ought four. Seattle though? The only fan they ever had before 2012 was the kid from Free Willie. We deserve this more than they do. 

P.S. I realize the Patriots play 30 miles south of Boston, but that’s only because Bob Kraft doesn’t like to pay city taxes. They’re still Boston’s team.

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