Newport Manners & Etiquete: Pre-Wedding Etiquette Updates + Kissiquette

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

What's the kissiquette for signing off with kisses? Pre-nup musts for money and sex. What to do when you didn't make the wedding guest 'A list'? And guests inviting guests to a wedding, were all springy dilemmas at NewportManners this week.

Kissiquette

Q. Do I sound like a prude but isn't it a turn-off when a text or email signs off with kisses? It seems vacuously emotionally incontinent. Some weird challenge. If she ends a text XXX do I have to match her XXX to show I feel the same way? And if I don't feel like giving her three kisses and only type one X or two XX will she feel stung? What are the consequences of not matching kiss for kiss? For me XXX is the common definition of highly pornographic material, so it makes me laugh. And the widely used XXOO in Chinese slang means sex. R.E., Palo Alto, CA

A. There is a sexual tinge to XXX and XXOO, etc. A sexual-textual message of course has a Freudian curse that lots of us fall prey to, the "texter's curse." If you don't like the XXX, do your own thing. Such as, 'Kind regards,' KR.

How about using BBS (be back soon), BBL (be back later), TTYL (talk to you later), LMTA (like minds think alike), KOTC (kiss on the cheek), or FYF (from your friend). Instead of taking the X challenge, be creative -- especially if you want to gently lower the recipient's expectations.

Actually, understanding when and how to end a text or email dialogue is a tricky social skill. You don't want to be abrupt, but it doesn't have to be smooth to be cool. When you wish to end the conversation, say you have something to do -- but spare us the details. When not talking business, be the one to end the conversation before it becomes boring. Often closing a text dialogue is more effective than continuing it. Instead of XXX, try BBS. ~Didi

The pre-nup 'sex talk'

Q. Recently I spotted my fiancé's father at a gay club dancing with another man. I pretended not to notice him, but my gay guy friend, who's birthday we were celebrating in a group, said he was a regular. When he waved to my fiancé's father he waved back and saw me. Now I feel terribly uncomfortable around him and his wife. With our wedding day approaching, I feel I have to tell to my fiancé. What do I say and what about his mom? Anonymous, Washington, D.C.

A.. Well before the wedding day, all couples should have full disclosure about their sexual orientation -- but not necessarily in detail. Just as you would have the 'money talk,' you have to have the 'sex talk.' The money talk about who is going to pay for what, will you go back to work after having children, what happens if one of you dies, and what about life insurance? And the 'sex talk' about anything that matters concerning your past sexual experiences.

Have the sex talk when you're both in a fun, happy mood, feeling high on your up-coming marriage. Start by talking about yourself, move on to asking your fiancé if there's anything he wants to tell you about his sexual past. Full (or nearly) disclosure will help segue into opening up to what you saw. Chances are your fiancé is sophisticated enough to have suspected that his father's sexual interests may be two-fold. Your fiancé may have come to accept his father's bisexuality, or he may think his dad is having a late midlife crisis or going through a phase.

Since you're communicating well enough to be getting married, you should be able to talk about anything and everything. You cannot keep this huge secret in your marriage because the image of his dad dancing at the club will haunt you. Your fiancé's father knows you know! As for the mom, she may know, too, but that's not for you to tell. ~Didi

When you haven't received an expected wedding invitation

Q. What do I do if I didn’t get a save-the-date or wedding invitation to my college roommate’s wedding? He invited me to his engagement party last summer and I went, despite the fact that I had to travel a great distance. Then when I talked to him and his fiancée at another friend’s wedding last fall, he insisted again that I ‘had better come’ to his June wedding in Houston. He even said I would be getting a save-the-date card.

I have the same address now as I did for the engagement invitation. Should I call him, or would that be rude? If I am invited, I want to be able to buy my tickets at least six weeks out. -Old Roommate, Milwaukee, WI

A. Clearly the fact that you did not receive a save-the-date-card or a wedding invitation to your old friend’s wedding must be an oversight.

Decide how much attending this wedding means to you. Especially since you’ll have to pay for travel expenses, accommodations, and send a wedding present from the bridal registry.

Ready to bite the bullet? Yes! Then text your friend in your own texteez: Are you expecting me at your wedding? Haven’t received invite.

Don’t over-think this. Guest lists get cut in half all the time. It is all about the bottom line; the cost per person and not about your friendship. They may think that because you live far away, they are letting you off the hook about your not having to pay travel expenses.

When you are verbally invited by the groom, what do you do when you don’t receive the wedding invitation? You ask the groom — or do nothing. Not to give you false hope, but there is a slight possibility that you didn't make the cut for the 'A List' (the first batch of invitations mailed), but after the regrets are counted you may find that you've been invited after all. It's like being wait-listed for a college. ~Didi

Wedding guests inviting other guests

Q. About wedding guests inviting other guests. Please tell me how to include my plus one same-sex partner on the guest reply card to a wedding?

Mark and I have been together for over a year and I think it would be rude of me to attend my friend’s wedding without him. The line where I’m supposed to fill in my name starts with a M__________________ -Jake, Portland, OR

A. Hold your horses, Jake. When wedding guests invite other guests, it gets complicated if there is no indication that you are being asked to bring a “plus one”– as on the reply card above left.

In that case, don’t assume anything. Before filling out the response card, the polite way to go about this would be to ask the person you’re closest to — the bride, groom, bride’s mother — whether or not your invitation includes bringing along a “plus one.” With the cost per person of every guest at least a hundred dollars, your host will be trying to keep expenses within budget.

Once, you’re given the go ahead, fill out the card with your name first preceded by the title Mr., because it is the more familiar name and thus the likely name on the invitation list.

Write out your name on the line using the M as the upper case M in Mr. and add a lower case r followed by a period — r. — after the M.

Like this: Mr. Jake Wilson and Mr. Mark Diaz.

Should the two names be too long for the line, write your guest’s name under the line directly beneath your name.

When sending your wedding present from the wedding couple’s bridal registry, be sure to include on the gift card that it is from the two of you; it goes without saying that the cost of your gift would reflect the approximate cost of hosting both you and your plus one at your friend’s wedding.

Didi Lorillard researches all matters on manners and etiquette at NewportManners where you can Ask Didi your question about love, relationships and everyday dilemmas and receive a personal response.

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